Somebody Please Help Me, I Dont Know What To Do

[b0sslady704]

Hello All,

Im in desperate need of some advice. I have been married for 11mths now. Boy the last 5 mths have been soo rough. My husband doesn't seem to want me anymore, everytime he gets mad he tells me to leave. I lost my job in Nov due to this recession and since Im not contributing to the househole like I used to he tells me "this is my house and you can leave". I dont have any family up here where we live and im not all that interested in moving back home and living with my mom or my little sister. We survive off of his paycheck and my unemployment (which isn't much of nuthin) but now he takes it from me. I dont understand why he treats me this way now that I need him more than anything. I love him soo much, I always try to make him happy but more and more he tells me I get on his nerve or he's being just plain hateful. The more he does this to me, the worse it hurts. He even went as far as telling his sons mother that I am intimidated by her, now what is that to say about your wife. I try to make things better, I cant find a job right now. He tells me I dont cook enuff, I cook everyday (he thinks Im suposed to cook a meal everytime he says he's hungry). I feel so low now that he takes my unempl check and gives me what he wants me to have, (like im a child). I really want my marriage to work, Ill do anything but now Im trying todecide should I stay or should I swallow my pride and go back home. Ill have to start my life all over because he wont let me take any of the furniture (which was mine before we even got together). Help me Please...Im so confused, sad, hurt, angry...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

A man does not own you when you marry.

Your furniture is "your" furniture, he can not take any of it.

It's not swallowing your pride love. The fact is, that as soon as finances changed, he decided to treat you like dirt, take over every decision and give you nothing but pain and heartache and you really don't love him at all, rather the thought of marriage and babies, and I would guess also that he treated you without much respect beforehand as well.

You need to converse with your family sweet and let them know what is happening.

CW

[Guest]

Get in touch with your family and go home!You chose badly,but it's not to late to have the marriage anulled and get your property back.I'm sure once your family hears what he's been doing,they'll want to throw him a blanket party.

My wife has lost more than one job,and guess what?The hard times seem to be when we close ranks stick close and watch each others backs the most.

And last I'm sorry to hear things have gone so bad for you.huggs!

[sourpuss]

Get out while you can sweetheart. It's not 'swallowing your pride', it's respecting yourself enough to not tolerate someone treating you like that.
He can't take your furniture, it's yours.

Talk to your family and come up with a plan to get out and get your stuff back.

[b0sslady704]

Still Trying...but I know I wont win

Thank you all for your concern...I did speak to my mom about whats going on, she told me I can come back home (which I knew, she always told us that). So far, Im still here. Trying to find the courage to leave. I tell myself that I need to go but making the move seems so hard. I find myself looking for every excuse in the world to stay but reality sinks in and I know I should go. I never felt so much pain in my life. I dont understand how could he do this to me, I would do anything for him, when he wasn't working, I took care of everything, never once did I complain, or treat him any less than a man. I guess Ill never understand this, I guess...when I ask him he just says (Im not you, dont expect me to do what you did) How rude is that..Today we did have a decent conversation for about 5 mins and he told me its just me, he doesnt want to be wit me. I asked him to work with me, give me some time, His reply was "I wont work against you"...so now Im sittin here prayin, wishin, hoping that he changes his mind. How do I push myself how the door? This is waaay too hard

[suzy21]

hey

Hello, i know exactly how you feel, its so hard to let go specially if you are in love with him.. But hey i ca guarantee you that you will get through this.. You need time thats all, you have to leave thats it he has been very clear to you, if you stay you wont be happy... It will be super hard when you do leave him you are going to feel like , dead inside but when time goes by you will look back an realize you are much more better and deserve a good man who will love you and cherish you.. and remember a marriage is matter of two, you guys have to be a team, if you are down then he needs to bring you up and he hasnt been doing that soooo HIM! You can do it you are way better than that and you are not alone!!!!!!
Much love

[happy ending]

i cant really add any thing but to agree with the others who say go and stay with your mum, you need support and love at the moment. not abuse and degredation. i have been both the job losee when the business i was managing was sold and i lost my job my nasty (now ex) husband thought i was trapped and his behaviour became abusive. recently however my lovely boyfriend lost his job, and although things dont look good we have actually become closer through our problems. good luck sweetie - things will improve. your mum is probably worried about you and would prefer to have you at home, where she can help out.

[kms]

Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. First thing: you are swallowing your pride by staying with a man who has no respect for you whatsoever. You will show respect for yourself by standing up for your rights and leaving. No one deserves to be treated like that, and he should face the consequences of his actions.

Second: our families will always be concerned about us, criticize our decisions sometimes, give us a hard time - but most of the time it comes from a good place - because they love us. So they will absolutely welcome you back and help you when you need it, as it sounds like your mom is doing.

Third: it's very hard to leave, especially when you're used to taking a passive role in the relationship (or in life). It's hard to take an action that you know will cause even more conflict - when you'd rather just smooth it out and live peacefully. But in reality, if you choose inaction, YOU aren't living peacefully or happily. You're suffering while everyone else is doing whatever they want without fear of consequence. You're denying yourself your basic human rights of existence. No one else will stand up and get that for you - only you can do that for yourself.

With that in mind, if it's difficult to take action, then ask your family or someone you trust to help you move out. I'll share the fact that a few years ago I was in a bad relationship but I was unable to take action and move out, just like you. I also worried that I would be humiliated for letting my family know, because my dad in particular wasn't sure about the whole thing - but I did it anyway. Nevertheless, the second I finally told them what was going on and that I was having a hard time doing anything about it, my parents and brothers drove several hours to come and get all my stuff and move me out. No questions asked. No nagging. No telling me "I told you so." They just expressed how much they loved me and how proud they were of me for doing the right thing (gosh I'm getting teary-eyed just remembering all this). They waited til he was gone and went in and got all my stuff. I was so emotionally overwhelmed that I started having horrible pains in my arm and couldn't lift anything as a result. So, they just put me in charge of telling them what was mine and they did everything else. In essence, I was still playing a safe (passive) role yet taking the step that needed to be taken.

So I wonder if you could do something like that. Get people to come help you so that you are pretty much 'forced' to go along with it and you're not doing it completely alone, talking yourself out of it constantly.

And remember that you deserve much better than this. Even though you may not feel like it. You need to surround yourself with the people who DO truly care about you, and who have your best interest in mind. Reach out to those who love you because this is too much to bear all alone.

[b0sslady704]

Thanks for your advice...I dont know how I got in this mental state that Im in now. I used to be a very independent, strong person. I remeber seeing this situation with some frinds back home and never once did I think I would be here. If they saw me now, they wouldn't believe it either. I will definitely be in touch with my family and friends because I have lots of people at home that really do care for me. I know I will make it through the this.

[sourpuss]

Have you left yet? He's given you every indication in the world that he's not going to change. Staying and torturing yourself will not make him see the light. Time to go and be with your family, the ones who actually do love and support you. The sooner you move on the sooner you can start over.

Be strong!