[Ben]

My wife and I have been married for 8 years we have a 16mo old child and wife is 10 weeks pregnant. I am a very faithful busy executive sometimes travelling all around the world. Wife is a stay at home mom and taking great care of child, but overwhelmed. When home I help in all ways cooking cleaning, changing the baby etc all the time. Problem is I have to do everything exactly like she says. If I do things not in her order she gets mad at times screaming at me. I can't say maybe we should do things this way. ie eat earlier so child doesn't get fussy. When I offer different ways she says I am pushing her. Basiclly she says I must do it her way and if I don't I am just creating more work for her. I do not feel like I'm part of the relationship but rather just her servant. We went to councelling but wife got frustated because councelor focused on her and said I was fine, so she stopped going. I am committed to this family. Who can I talk to? How can I get her back to councelling? Help, I'm running out of patience.

[WildChild]

This is a toughie, if she won't meet you half way it's difficult to resolve things. Continuing the counseling yourself may be useful if the counselor can give you some help with coping. Perhaps if you discussed her reaction, the counselor could adjust their approach with her to at least get her to go in?

[kms]

How long has she been overly emotional and controlling? I'm wondering if perhaps it isn't because of the hormones and being pregnant and all that... although 10 weeks isn't that terribly far into a pregnancy. I'm also wondering if other things are going on with her, like postpartum depression? Having difficulty adjusting to being a mother with a very needy little one underfoot? Feeling unappreciated or unimportant from not making an 'impact' on the world (by working or volunteering, etc)? What kind of lifestyle did she have prior to having the baby? It just sounds to me that perhaps she's controlling you because she feels like she has no control anywhere else in her life...? And you're the easiest victim?

Also, if you think it's difficult to talk to her about all this, is there anyone that is particularly close to her that she might listen to, like her mom, a friend, etc? You might go to that person to let them know what's going on and see if they can't help by figuring out what's really going on with her, or give caring, gentle advice to stop being so selfish and remind her that her behavior could potentially ruin her marriage.

The best, healthiest way is to just sit her down and talk to her about everything, in a nonthreatening or blaming way, just be logical and empathic, so that she realizes how you feel about what's going on. I just wonder though if she's always been this unapproachable (which would make it much more difficult because she'll feel threatened and uncomfortable with it being insinuated that she's doing something wrong), or if it's just a more recent thing, likely having to do with hormones, and difficulty adjusting to a huge lifestyle change.

[Ben]

Thanks for your replies. Just knowing someone out there cares and helps was really nice. You all have made many good and true points. She has felt this way ever since her mother died over 7 yrs ago and never really got over it. She has always had trouble keeping a job and nobody ever lives up to her expectations. Psychologist said I do too much in the house and need to stop so she will feel more appreciated and important. Tried that but then get criticized for not doing enough. I am not perfect in our marriage and a marriage is 2 people so I know the problems are not all her fault. Either way this is a deep and complicated relationship problem to which I will always be committed to my wife and family to resolve. Time to get more professional help. Thanks again.

[WildChild]

This is my book night, have you read John Grey's Mars and Venus books? They have a lot of the same info. He addresses the issues of how to best 'help' women when they are overloaded and it may apply here. Doing so much for her may create a sense that you feel she can't cope.
I lost my mother early in my adulthood and while I didn't think so at the time, I've come to realise since that I did have some unresolved issues with her. I wouldn't have listened to anyone telling me so for several years after her death but I have seen it since and I think have or am dealing with it. People can do awfully funny things in reaction to events and sometimes it simply makes no sense but it is what it is. I hope that you find further counseling helps.

[Ben]

Thanks again, I'll try the books you mention. I have heard of them.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Was her Mother a perfectionist and therefore, in missing her, in the non closure of her death she has become more like her... It's possible. Perhaps she has things she wishes that she had said, done and didn't and is holding on to this and that with bringing up a child, and being pregnant and you away as well, is all to much for her to cope with.

Have you ever just sat down on the lounge and said " I know you miss your Mum, " why don't you write her a letter and tell her all that you wish you could say to her now or start a journal, kiss her on the forhead, tell her you love her, then walk away so she can think on what you just said.

I would suggest to you that she never lived up to her Mother's expectations and this is where this is stemming from, now she's being her.

Making her aware that she hasn't had closure over this, may help you... She may think about what you said, and write away... and in doing so realise that she was a good person, she was good at what she did after all.

Slowly bring things into it, every couple weeks such as a sport that you know she was good at as a child for instance, and bring one of your kids into the conversation, you know " .... is going to be just like you, smart and good at basketball". that type of thing..

Use encouraging thoughts without her realising.. Even if you have to delve into her past without her awareness, of ascertaining what she was good at.

Bringing those things to lite, has to help her heal and realise that she was good and is good.

At present, it sounds as if she has to do everything better than you, she has to have more knowledge than you, she has to .....

Seems to me this stems from her Mother....

CW