Hi there,
I've been married for 6 years, and for the most part it's been great. I'm 28, he's 35. Before I met my husband, I was a passenger in an accident that left me with chronic pain in and around my spine. This has been a part of my life for years, and I am accustomed to it and deal with it everyday without much thought. I've always been honest and up front about my situation, do my exercises to help improve it daily, and go on with my life. Two years ago I was a passenger in yet another accident (as luck would have it!). It was just a minor fender bender, but it exasperated the pain that was already there, and as a result, I've had to take time off work.
The good thing about my situation is that I've been through worse before and know that I can heal. I am determined to get better and spend about 6 hours a day doing rehabilitation for my spine. My spirit hasn't been crushed, and I always look to the future with a glass-half-full mentality.
Unfortunately, lately I can't say the same about my marriage. Since my last accident, my husband has been completely avoiding reality. I haven't changed physically (I'm not paralyzed or in a wheelchair or anything noticeable), and I am still the same person I always have been inside, but because my husband has always seen me as a strong, not vulnerable, woman, he is having difficulties adapting to the idea that I, for the time being, am having a rough time health-wise.
Before this accident we were both working while I was finishing up my degree part time. Now, because I can't work, we are living solely off his income. Unfortunately, he chooses to work in a minimum-wage job, despite having a degree. He hates his job and comes home every night complaining about it. I will support him in whatever he chooses to do, and encouraged him to look for a new job since he doesn't like the one he's in now. He refuses to look for one, though, and continues to complain about his current one. His job does not pay enough to support both of us, so for 2 years I have had to live off loans and credit cards to eat. Recently, I ran out of credit, and had to go to the food bank. I was nervous, because before this accident I used to volunteer there, and felt humiliated at having to actually use it. Despite all this, he still refuses to look for a new job.
We've always had great friends, and would hang out together, or have guys or ladies nights with our respective groups of friends. However, since my last accident, it feels like he is avoiding me altogether. He'll call me during the day to check up, but as soon as he gets home from work he'll zoom out the door to go hang out with someone. I'm never invited and he will stay out late all week to the point where he will have to call in sick from exhaustion. His exhaustion is also his excuse as to why he never wants to have sex anymore. If I'm lucky, we might have sex once a week if I pester him long enough. Also, if I'm getting together with mutual friends, he will never go with me- he'll accept their invitation, then 5 minutes before we're supposed to be there, he backs out. Every time. Like clockwork. Then he asks me to make up an excuse for him, which I did for a few months, but won't anymore.
Here's the thing. His quality of life hasn't changed at all since my accident- he doesn't have to take on the burden of extra responsibility around the house, and even if he did, he wouldn't because he's never home. I didn't realize this before my accident, but now realize this- he avoids responsibility at all cost. I was always the one in the relationship to pay the bills, make the appointments, grocery shop, etc. He's never had to keep track of his money, and when he does, he just blows it all anyway. I thought it was just the way our relationship worked, and now I realize that it's just he won't take on any responsibility (other than going to work) if his life depended on it.
It's hard for me, because if it were the other way around, we would never be in this bind. I would get another job if necessary, do the groceries, take him to his doctor's appointments, make sure everything was being taken care of because I love him, and I made that commitment when I married him.
Now, we don't have enough money to eat, let alone for my medical treatment. He won't even drive me to the doctor's when I have my appointments and he's off work. When I suggest a date night he'll be all gung-ho until about an hour before the date- then he'll disappear to his brother's house or another friend's.
I've been honest and up front about how I feel and what this is doing to me. It makes me feel like I am the one ruining his life because I have this temporary injury. But then I realize, no, I am trying my best and have never been anything but honest with him. He hasn't had to change his life in any way to adapt to my needs. We've talked so much about our situation, and he always promises he'll try to help out more, but never does. I know he's not cheating on me because he's too conspicuous. He just doesn't seem to like me anymore but refuses this when I suggest it. I think he's scared to be alone, so that is why he still says he wants to be with me. In fact, I think fear has a lot to do with his choice to avoid reality: he fears getting another job because he has low self-confidence, he fears helping out with me because he doesn't want to know how bad my health really is.
My problem is this: I'm in a unique situation where I can't exactly leave him and move into a new place on my own (unable to work and have trouble walking, etc). I'm also still in love with him, even though he really hurts me. However, our relationship is only getting worse by the day. Just tonight, when he realized he didn't have any other friends available to hang out with, he befriended this neighbor we've had for 5 years that he's never talked to before, just to get out of the house. He said he's going to go kick around a soccer ball with him because he feels sorry for him since he lives alone. All I could think of when he said this was, "Your wife lives alone too, but you don't feel sorry for her!"
His daily nights-out have become a joke around the people I know. My doctor wonders why, in the shape I'm in, he doesn't drive me to the clinic. My friends can't believe that he won't look for another job to support us. I'm embarassed when I go to the food bank because they know I'm married. Our mutual friends joke that he doesn't really exist, because they haven't seen him in two years.
To top this all off, he hid the fact that he gets stoned off pot all the time from me until about 9 months after we got married. Now he's stoned or drunk every night.
Here's the kicker: Two weeks ago, I finally had it. I visited a separation resource centre and found the name of a women's shelter that could help me if I needed to leave him. I told him that I thought it would be best for both of us to try a trial separation for a couple of months. I told him that I didn't believe him when he says he wants to be with me still. He said he would kill himself if I left.
I don't think he was serious, but who knows? Now I'm scared something bad will happen if I finally do leave- even just temporarily.
What can I do?
We've tried couples therapy before, and it didn't take long for him to start playing hooky from those appointments. He's been to substance-abuse rehab. Both didn't work.
He's a really nice guy, even though I know he doesn't sound that great. It's his actions, not his words, that are hurting me. If he was a total ***hole all the time, this wouldn't be so hard.
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated- Thanks so much.
I've been married for 6 years, and for the most part it's been great. I'm 28, he's 35. Before I met my husband, I was a passenger in an accident that left me with chronic pain in and around my spine. This has been a part of my life for years, and I am accustomed to it and deal with it everyday without much thought. I've always been honest and up front about my situation, do my exercises to help improve it daily, and go on with my life. Two years ago I was a passenger in yet another accident (as luck would have it!). It was just a minor fender bender, but it exasperated the pain that was already there, and as a result, I've had to take time off work.
The good thing about my situation is that I've been through worse before and know that I can heal. I am determined to get better and spend about 6 hours a day doing rehabilitation for my spine. My spirit hasn't been crushed, and I always look to the future with a glass-half-full mentality.
Unfortunately, lately I can't say the same about my marriage. Since my last accident, my husband has been completely avoiding reality. I haven't changed physically (I'm not paralyzed or in a wheelchair or anything noticeable), and I am still the same person I always have been inside, but because my husband has always seen me as a strong, not vulnerable, woman, he is having difficulties adapting to the idea that I, for the time being, am having a rough time health-wise.
Before this accident we were both working while I was finishing up my degree part time. Now, because I can't work, we are living solely off his income. Unfortunately, he chooses to work in a minimum-wage job, despite having a degree. He hates his job and comes home every night complaining about it. I will support him in whatever he chooses to do, and encouraged him to look for a new job since he doesn't like the one he's in now. He refuses to look for one, though, and continues to complain about his current one. His job does not pay enough to support both of us, so for 2 years I have had to live off loans and credit cards to eat. Recently, I ran out of credit, and had to go to the food bank. I was nervous, because before this accident I used to volunteer there, and felt humiliated at having to actually use it. Despite all this, he still refuses to look for a new job.
We've always had great friends, and would hang out together, or have guys or ladies nights with our respective groups of friends. However, since my last accident, it feels like he is avoiding me altogether. He'll call me during the day to check up, but as soon as he gets home from work he'll zoom out the door to go hang out with someone. I'm never invited and he will stay out late all week to the point where he will have to call in sick from exhaustion. His exhaustion is also his excuse as to why he never wants to have sex anymore. If I'm lucky, we might have sex once a week if I pester him long enough. Also, if I'm getting together with mutual friends, he will never go with me- he'll accept their invitation, then 5 minutes before we're supposed to be there, he backs out. Every time. Like clockwork. Then he asks me to make up an excuse for him, which I did for a few months, but won't anymore.
Here's the thing. His quality of life hasn't changed at all since my accident- he doesn't have to take on the burden of extra responsibility around the house, and even if he did, he wouldn't because he's never home. I didn't realize this before my accident, but now realize this- he avoids responsibility at all cost. I was always the one in the relationship to pay the bills, make the appointments, grocery shop, etc. He's never had to keep track of his money, and when he does, he just blows it all anyway. I thought it was just the way our relationship worked, and now I realize that it's just he won't take on any responsibility (other than going to work) if his life depended on it.
It's hard for me, because if it were the other way around, we would never be in this bind. I would get another job if necessary, do the groceries, take him to his doctor's appointments, make sure everything was being taken care of because I love him, and I made that commitment when I married him.
Now, we don't have enough money to eat, let alone for my medical treatment. He won't even drive me to the doctor's when I have my appointments and he's off work. When I suggest a date night he'll be all gung-ho until about an hour before the date- then he'll disappear to his brother's house or another friend's.
I've been honest and up front about how I feel and what this is doing to me. It makes me feel like I am the one ruining his life because I have this temporary injury. But then I realize, no, I am trying my best and have never been anything but honest with him. He hasn't had to change his life in any way to adapt to my needs. We've talked so much about our situation, and he always promises he'll try to help out more, but never does. I know he's not cheating on me because he's too conspicuous. He just doesn't seem to like me anymore but refuses this when I suggest it. I think he's scared to be alone, so that is why he still says he wants to be with me. In fact, I think fear has a lot to do with his choice to avoid reality: he fears getting another job because he has low self-confidence, he fears helping out with me because he doesn't want to know how bad my health really is.
My problem is this: I'm in a unique situation where I can't exactly leave him and move into a new place on my own (unable to work and have trouble walking, etc). I'm also still in love with him, even though he really hurts me. However, our relationship is only getting worse by the day. Just tonight, when he realized he didn't have any other friends available to hang out with, he befriended this neighbor we've had for 5 years that he's never talked to before, just to get out of the house. He said he's going to go kick around a soccer ball with him because he feels sorry for him since he lives alone. All I could think of when he said this was, "Your wife lives alone too, but you don't feel sorry for her!"
His daily nights-out have become a joke around the people I know. My doctor wonders why, in the shape I'm in, he doesn't drive me to the clinic. My friends can't believe that he won't look for another job to support us. I'm embarassed when I go to the food bank because they know I'm married. Our mutual friends joke that he doesn't really exist, because they haven't seen him in two years.
To top this all off, he hid the fact that he gets stoned off pot all the time from me until about 9 months after we got married. Now he's stoned or drunk every night.
Here's the kicker: Two weeks ago, I finally had it. I visited a separation resource centre and found the name of a women's shelter that could help me if I needed to leave him. I told him that I thought it would be best for both of us to try a trial separation for a couple of months. I told him that I didn't believe him when he says he wants to be with me still. He said he would kill himself if I left.
I don't think he was serious, but who knows? Now I'm scared something bad will happen if I finally do leave- even just temporarily.
What can I do?
We've tried couples therapy before, and it didn't take long for him to start playing hooky from those appointments. He's been to substance-abuse rehab. Both didn't work.
He's a really nice guy, even though I know he doesn't sound that great. It's his actions, not his words, that are hurting me. If he was a total ***hole all the time, this wouldn't be so hard.
Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated- Thanks so much.
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