[London29]

I recently discovered that my husband liked to watch men having sex with men. I knew he liked porn we have been together over a year and married since Feb 09. I just had a baby in April 2009. I like to watch porn myself but he is uncomfortable watching it with me. A few months ago I went through his phone and he had a comment on a man's page telling him he liked what he saw....which was a pic of a penis. I let it go for the mean time b/c I found it the day before I went into labor.

About a week ago I went through the phone again and there it was several videos of men having sex with men. I asked him about it he says that he likes to watch it but that he has never been with a man and began to cry.

I already felt insecure about the porn movies, magazines, comments, and phone videos its like he is addicted to his phone now I really feel insecure I feel like I was worried about the different women that attract him but now I am worried about the different men attracting him. I feel like he is looking at the men and women and not me. I also feel degraded like there is nothing I can do to please him now. I dont feel sexual in anyway its like he would rather go in the bathroom and jack off. Please offer me some advice......feels like he would rather all that rather than me.

I have talked with him about being insecure and feeling like I am no longer attractive to him in the past he insists there is no problem but we have no romance and the sex has tapered off big time!

[HALFNOTHING]

Seems like he is a gay.. you can't change the nature of a gay.. you really need a face to face talk..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wow, that must have been one heck of a shock for you to find...

He may not have done anything but obviously it facinates him.

I think that you should initially take the approach of talking to him about what he likes about men and why he enjoys those conversations and viewings and do it calmly.

It may be a fetish but not something he will act upon.

But, bottom line is it is something you need to know in its entirety...

What if he was abused as a child for instance and is trying to work things out in that regard? Nothing more?

We know some "gay" men hide behind marriage but as I said, he may have issues that he needs to address, and if not, he may have decided that's more to what he likes not women in which case I am very sorry especially as you have a baby, but you need to know so you know how to deal with it and what you want to do with that information for you.

CW

[rcoreyus]

It may not be as bad as you think. He might just have a bit of curiosity / fantasy / fetish for other men, but never consider actually doing anything.

[HALFNOTHING]

weird right..?

[Hopeless Dork]

I'd agree with Rcorey on maybe just a curiousity IF he wasnt actually conversing with a person telling them he liked the picture of their penis. That goes a tad beyond curiousity and borders on cheating.

A lot of men with attraction to other men will fight that attraction tooth and nail and try very hard to fight those feelings as the life of a gay man is not an easy route to be on. They will hide it and give being with women their very best try , but like with anything else, suppressing things like that never lasts forever.

I am not saying he is gay, he could be bi... but he definitely seems to have an attraction to men in a sexual way. If he was only fantasising about it, not cheating on you and was still having a sexual attraction to you as well, and keeping you satisfied I would say you have less to worry about it.

However you say he isn't being intimate with you, your needs aren't being met. You just had a baby and I can't advocate up and leaving him willy nilly like that but staying for the sake of the baby alone never ends well either.

What bothers you the most? The porn? Or the lack of intimacy he is providing you with? If its the latter, talk to him about that. Don't accuse or judge, just let him know how it feels when he is not innitiating sex with you. How it feels to be alone in a relationship. Maybe there is hope for him understanding and trying to change how at the very least he handles satisfying you.

I would never be one of those people that think being gay could be a phase, one that he could "get over" or "change" but regardless of who people occasionally fantasize about they can still be in a committed relationship and attracted to and loving the person their with while desiring something different (no acting on it, just desiring) occasionally.

Some guys fantasize about gang bangs, watching a woman with 50 guys. They'd never want their wife to do it ( of course some would, but speaking in general here) but they might occasionally like to go online and watch videos about it, talk to people that have similiar interests etc but the reality is they don't really want it.

What a terrible position you are in right now, I am so sorry that you are having to pick and prod and discover this way, its really a shame that he couldn't have been honest with you from the beginning or as soon as he started developing this attraction if it happened later.

[WildChild]

I'd second what HD has said. Do communicate what you are feeling and need. Let him know that you still love and desire him. Maybe ask him if he thinks talking with a counselor would help him sort out his feelings. That he cried, rather than saying he was just curious may indicate that he has some sexual confusion. The sooner it's sorted out the sooner you know what you are really dealing with.

[mygdalia58]

Honest advice you need to take your beautiful little baby and leave, make your own life with your new baby. Your pretty much newly wed and I can see if he is looking at women porn but men girl you need to draw the line, get the hint and leave him with his fantasies.
he probably married you to proove that he was not gay, but your not intimate he likes men having sex with men and youve been married few months, no honey its over the day you said I do.

[Rose in the thorns]

Hiding this from you may mean he's gay or it may mean he is bisexual but afraid to admit it.You need to have a serious chat and decide what you want out of life.do you want a sexless marriage???or do you need to start a new life no matter how painful it is.i think he may have taken his curiousity too far, either rell him back in or get rid of him for your own sake.You and your baby matter in this situation will you be second to his gay fantasies???

hope this helps.

[caterpillar79]

It's all on what you want in life. Consider your baby. What would it be like growing up without him close by? Or, what would it be like growing up knowing my dad is bi - ...whatever. It is all up to you, how you see spending the rest of your life. Married or divorced?

Open up to him, tell him your concerns when you find the right time. Yes, timing is crucial in such conversations and so does the way you say it. So be very careful. Weigh all the pros and cons. Make a list and choose what is best for you and your babay. BTW, congratulations for having your little angel!