[stressed]

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[WildChild]

You don't say how old you are but all this has been going on long enough that I assume. mid to late 20s? The drinking is an excuse for the behavior and not acceptable. He isn't ready for marriage, he sin't ready for a relationship with a real woman. I think we are going to see more and more of this business of people being caught up in a fantasy world online, cause real life problems.

The violence is a serious concern. He may tell you he is an idiot and wants to change. You need to say, ok do it, let me know when you are ready for a Real relationship with a real woman. This isn't a matter of a low sex drive, not if he's watching porn, men with low sex drives just aren't thinking about sex. You need to give some serious consideration as to how much time you want to put into this and what sort of help he needs to get for you to stay.

[Hopeless Dork]

Don't marry this man thinking that a piece of paper will change who he is, who he has been and who he will be in the future. People are always capable of change, and you can always hold the hope in your heart, but to count on it - to demand it - to expect that it will eventually happen will only serve as a dissapointment.

He physically assaulted you when drunk. If it was trully a mistake and would never happen again and was only because of the drinking, you would think that incident would be enough to show him drinking is dangerous for him. Hopefully you will not tolerate that happening ever again with alcohol as an excuse.

Alcohol tends to lower inhibitions, not create new personalities. It leaves a person more vulnerable to show their true feelings, speak their mind and do the things they want to without feeling worried about consequences. In other words, a saying I've heard many times comes into play " a drunk man speaks a sober mind". Think about that and don't let alcohol excuse behaviors that are his alone and let him blame everything on it.

He's shown you he is capable of lying to you, he has said some very hurtful things about your relationship and you as a person to friends/strangers on the internet. You have been so forgiving and understanding and those are positive traits but please don't think in doing that stuff it will pay off eventually. It may be a case of what you see is what you get.

If it is, if he never changed his ways, would you want to be with him for the rest of your life? You really have to ask yourself that question because theres a high probablity that he won't. You can't love someone with the expectation of them being different than they are. You have to love them as they are, and if they are displaying disrespectful, hurtful qualities its going to be really hard to love them as they are so thats where you have to figure out what you want to do.

I am sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like he has an internet addiction, not porn persay but he loves the confidence he has speaking to people through that medium. A lot of people are able to be more cool, more funny, more confident through text mediums then they are in person and that can be an addicting lifestyle.

You made a good point to address his lack of sex with you. If he has drive enough for the porn, he should be making sure to use some of that drive to help you feel close to him sometimes anything other than that is just selfish.

Its sweet that he lets you peek at his PC, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life checking up on him like a corrections officer - waiting for the other shoe to drop?

[caterpillar79]

You call the shots

I will not yea or nay. YOU decide, after all, it's your life. But before you do, ask yourself if this is what you really want. I totally agree with WildChild and Hopeless Dork. You may brave the storm, but for how long? You have a big heart, very loving and compassionate nature, but until when? A relationship needs balance. For it to be successful, individuals involved should be healthily interdependent, not co-dependent. I hope you can talk to him about getting counseling, together or individually, it is essential, for your relationship to improve.

[stressed]

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[Chantalemma]

Well, All I cna say is that be carefull...If he gets angry and violent when drinking eventually it will be when he is sober and more often... I trully do think you love this man...and my parents story makes me think of you... but my dad was a cheater and got violent... and abused us emotionally liek he does you... Who calls your gf stupid or an idiot? I wouldn't put up with it but that is just me... I know you feel alone and scared... you love him and still have hope for your future together....I would talk to him about couples counselling... it couldn't be worst than it is? I have always said if it is faith and meant to be it will be.. if not it mgiht hurt and you might feel lsot and all but just say you have to sink low tocome back up. I do thin khe has also changed but still has room for improvements.... Check it out...ask him if he would go....??

For your party tonight??? Well,, is it far away? If not go,,, if he gets to be too much...leave him there and tell hi sfriends you enjoyed yourself up to now and that you are going home.... If they are decent they will understand... if it is far you leave and go away from the party.. find a store a restaurant for coffee, take a walk or anything to be away from him...

Good Luck and tell us how the party has gone.

Thinking of you......hope all goes well.

[mn4nu]

How many chances are you going to give this guy? Seriously, I think you've been more than understanding. From the way you've described things in your posts, I would not marry this man. Plus, he already grabbed you by the throat and threw you down. That right there is a huge red flag. You should have left after that for your own safety. Being drunk when it happened is a cop out. Get on with your life. You can find someone better who can give you a better future.

[WildChild]

At 36 he isn't likely to change. At any age You can't change someone, They have to change themselves, all you can do is encourage and set standards. The question is how much time do you want to put into this? He sounds like a young teenager. he wants to be able to "do" things, can't turn down the drink, does it because others are doing it, tries to sneak. You aren't his parent and you are right, you shouldn't be checking up on him, you shouldn't feel like you need to.

You're going to have to decide how long you are willing to do this?

[caterpillar79]

He is a teen-ager stuck in a 36-year old man's body!

While you are in your right rational mind, keep one foot out of the door, ready to go. He's violent. How even more violent will he get when drunk? I admire you for putting up with his for this long, you love him dearly. But I will congratulate you if you are able to escape this plight either with him (in counseling, cooperating well), or without him (you, moving on with your life, hoping to find the partner that you so long deserve).

Take care.

[stressed]

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