[genny1]

hi all, I joined this forum cos I need some urgent help/advise. I'm in my 30's married for 12 yrs with 2 kids. My marriage got strained/stale and husband cheated about 7yrs ago. I'm unable to forgive & forget & lost trust in him completely. we've taken lots of fun vacations togehter , did not change our situation, were still very distant.There's no romance, sex is once in a blue moon, the only thing we do frequently is argue. I'm happier when I'm by myself without him, our marriage is just there for the kids i guess. My old boyfriend got in touch (1 month ago)after 15 yrs, we got seperated cos we travelled to live in different parts of the world.
he's married with 1 child and claims to be unhappy & wants to continue from where we left off. I think it's unrealistic but still tempting,we talk on phone but have not met. Not sure what i feel but i look foward to his phone calls & text msgs. the ex bf tells me the right things & calls me the sweet names.

Should I meet him or just keep contact on phone or cut contact completely?
what about hubby & the marriage? he provides all the materia things i need except: physical love,care, show of concern, does nothing special on my birthday,mother's day or wedding annivesary. To be fair my own attitude towards him now is *** for tat. Anyone please advise.

thanks

[HALFNOTHING]

similar to what i've been right now..

have a time to think first before you met your ex.. consider the kids, your feelings and the family of your ex. there are lot of people might hurt..

Is your husband still cheating?
If he doesn't.. try to give him a chance. think again and give him another time..
time will reveal the truth. time will found out whats the best thing to do

[stressed]

This might seem like a crazy advice, but we're talking about many years of unhappiness where cheating is involved, so I'd say think about it for a couple of weeks and meet your ex just to talk as talking might help you feel better. You have to be careful as he's an ex for a reason and there are children involved. Even if you would decide to try again with your ex the best would be to be by yourself for a while to clear things in your heart and head before trying another relationship. Before you do any of that though, you have to explain to your husband that you are unhappy, you're not over his cheating and that you probably never will be. Trace the reason for your arguments and try to explain how you feel.

[WildChild]

Two wrongs won't make a right. Even more wrongs won't do it either. You need to look at why you can't let go of this, you are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed? After 7 years you are still POd? Sex is rare? How long to you intend to punish both of you? Adding some else, an affair of your own to the mix, won't help.

You need to get your own head straight before you start messing with this possiblity. Think about this, you would be cheating (what you've been fuming over for all these years) the exbf would be cheating. How must trust can either of you really ever have? What happens when the s hits the fan in either household? Deal with what you have on your plate now before you go adding more to it.

[Tina Lee]

It's not a good idea to meet the xbf. That's adding more complications to the situation.

An ex is an ex for a reason. I wouldn't try to re-live or rekindle the past. What I would do is sit down, and try to figure out what you want in your life. If you want a life with your husband, then you might want to think about counselling for both of you. If he's interested.

If you decide that your happier without your husband, then I would definately get your life, feelings, and thoughts straightened out before adding a new flame.

And just from my own personal experience, please don't stay together just for the kids. My parents fought when they were married, seperated, and even divorced too. It does not make for happy, safe, secure children.

You have some tough decisions to make, and I wish you all the best!

[mr.mansview]

i completely agree with WC..you will never be able to work on getting your marriage straightened out while you are carring on a "fantasy affair" with an ex..you need to obviously learn to forgive hubby for what he has done if you intend on improving this marriage....perhaps you need to talk to a professional about your concerns..

[genny1]

I appreciate all ur replies, u guys all make sense. This is to WC: we live in the same house , sleep in same bed. I can't let go cos the girl he cheated with lives in the same city as his mom. (6 hrs away from us) so whenever he visits his mom after all these yrs I still cringe & suspect him. I think i can only get my head straight when I get EVEN, that's why i encourage conversations with my ex bf. I'm stuck in the middle, when we argue I bring old hurts up and i feel like leaving but some days i feel we can work it out. I suggested professional help yrs ago, he was not interested, yrs later he suggested it & i had lost interest so we did not pursue it. I'm not inlove with him anymore but i thought i could just like him and stay married but my trust is dead and i miss and long to be in a loving & affectionate relationship again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he provides all the materia things i need

Comfort Zone and so you stay.

i miss and long to be in a loving & affectionate relationship again.

This only leads to you cheating which in reality is your question is it not?

See how tempted you are, as he obviously was, however, he did it, as WC says two wrongs don't make a right.

If your not working, get yourself work, save yourself some money and move out and find happiness, not with a "married man" words are words, ACTIONS are different, LUST is Lust and LOVE is what your searching for.

CW

[rcoreyus]

Can you forgive him? If not, move on, it isn't fair to either of you (or your children) to be in a relationship without trust and love.

Is the rarity of sex due to you or to him?

[Joy]

my only advice is to end one relationship before you pursue another. So sorry you and your husband could never heal together and spark the love you once shared. Its hard when one cheats.... so many other options are out there.. open relationships or open communication about the fact that cheating is the next step.

You deserve to feel that love, closeness, and the intimacy you crave. Good luck on your Journey and the decisions you face.