[genny1]

Hi CW
I agree that this is my comfort zone & makes it hard to just leave.I'm a registered nurse & even my crazy work schedules can't take my mind off the problem. like I said earlier I'm constatntly reminded & become suspicious whenever he visits his mum in that girl's city, cos that's how it all started. I really don't mind if my ex & I fall in lust afterall we were once in love right? He lives in US & I live in Canada, i've declined his invitation for me to visit. However, he's already sent my b'day present & wants to come to my city during my b'day week in July. I'm not encouraging nor discouraging him to do that, I just want to leave my options open for whatever happens! I bet hubby will not remember my b'day come July.
To rcoyerus, that rarity of sex is mostly due to me, I refused his advances frequently so I guess he got tired & stopped asking. I really wish we could work things out for everyone's sake but almost everything he says/does seems to provoke some anger in me. We have'nt really sat to talk about it, it only comes up when we quarrel & i list my grievances. He expects me to get over it cos it's been so long!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Your dead inside.

You have been for a long time, way back, the day this all happened.

You can't sleep with your husband because you feel discust and where some can "Forgive" but not "Forget" you can't do either.

It's over. Seriously, and yes you are in a comfort zone, and yes, you feel that by staying you get the financial rewards, nice home etc, and yes, you feel that you are WINNING.

But the anger builds up more and more and more... You know you will cheat with this guy come your birthday and you know that your excuse will be 1) my husband did it to me and 2) my husband forgot my birthday anyway.

WRONG on so many levels.

See ,what he did was wrong, "don't get me wrong", but if you can't forgive or forget let him get on with his life.

You continue to miss that special something and now you believe that you will get it from this ex, so you are okay.

That's temporary anyway, and how will you feel after?

It's time to forget the comfort zone you live in and both move on with your lives I beileve...

Life is too short love.

And, there's two parties, you owe it to both of you to let each other go and move on.

CW

[genny1]

CW, ur quote below is exactly how i feel!

"Your dead inside.

-(but i don't want to be dead inside, i have feelings too)

You have been for a long time, way back, the day this all happened.

You can't sleep with your husband because you feel discust and where some can "Forgive" but not "Forget" you can't do either."

we've both threatened to leave but none has taken the first step. I left our home for about a month when i first learnt about the affair yrs ago. my mum & his talked me back to our home, we had only one child back then.
As for ex bf i don't expect to have anything permanent with him so he will not be a factor in what happens to this marriage but he may be a benefactor.
Why hasn't hubby moved on then? cos he's also in his comfort zone, I take care of all his business including his kids 100%. sometimes i fell like i'm just a babysitter,cleaner,cook & everything else except a WIFE!

Thanks so much for hearing me out guys, this is my only outlet.
genny1

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why hasn't hubby moved on then? cos he's also in his comfort zone,

If that is what you believe, then sit down and discuss staying in the house-hold for the "children" but living your own separate lives.

It's natural for "parents" to try to get their "children" to stay together to work things out, but you never jumped over what happened and that's not your fault, we all hope that marriage is a committment and forever, sadly, the majority of cases, it's not so.

Just realise and undestand, when you meet this ex-boyfriend and you sleep with him, you are going to be in 7th heaven because you will let yourself go no doubt and all that tension and anger and missing will be replaced for an "instant" and then it will eventually only be a memory.

But, I want you to serious consider something.

Again, there is a SECOND party... His wife.

All men that cheat "CLAIM" it's because they are not happy.

ALL.

She probably cleans and cooks and takes care of his kids, his affairs 100% too and feels rejected.

Imagine her pain? Just like you had yours? And, the years she then has to go through of knowing her husband cheated!!!!!!

Do you really want some other woman to go through what you went through just because?

Think SERIOUSLY.

I think you should share the house and live your life, if that is what you both can handle for the time being and class yourself as separated and go out and meet people and find a "single" person to make you feel all those things you were missing.

As I said:-

WRONG on so many levels.

I am not judging either by the way, I do feel for you, and I do understand the "adventure" thoughts but I simply and purely want you to sit and close your eyes and see that other wife, hearing the news and watch the movie unfold that will remind you of your earlier days and ask yourself if it's worth doing that to another woman.

CW

[genny1]

CW, thanks for ur candid advise, it's a very wise one that I can live by. No I don't want to hurt ex bf's wife & I think I can easily back off from him. As I said in my previous post, he's not a deciding factor in which way our marriage goes so I can surely do without him.
I will appreciate any other advise/input on this matter. Thanks all, genny1

[Hopeless Dork]

I think staying away from the ex is paramount. You do not want to become the catalyst to him hurting his wife in the same way you yourself were hurt. Sure if a man's going to cheat, he's going to do so as you well know, but you don't have to be the one shouldering the burdeon of creating so much pain in someones life - pain that you know all too well.

I think some women/men move on from their spouse cheating easier than others. For some they can trully forgive and forget enough to be happy again. For others, once that trust is shattered its gone forever.. you spend the rest of your life subconsciously punishing him (and in doing so punish yourself).

If you are pushing him further and further away sexually, you yourself aren't getting your needs met so everyone suffers. Not to mention, believe me I don't think not providing sex for a spouse is a liscence to cheat, if he isn't getting it from you and managed to cheat when he WAS getting from you - how hard it would be to resist future temptations. We are all only human after all.

Everyone needs to feel loved and wanted and most affairs don't even happen for the actual sex, they happen to fill that hole of still feeling sexy and attractive to someone. Of course some just happen because the person is a selfish douchebag and doesn't matter if their S.O is giving them everything they need and more and they still do it anyway.

Either way, I think CW has offered some excellent advice. I think that you need to do some soul searching and find out what it is that makes you happy, really happy. What sacrafices you are willing (or not willing) to make to save this marriage and how to go from here... this point right now... how to finally heal from what he did to you, whether or not you stay with him, you are going to need to find peace with what happened.

[solonelyrightnow]

Ofcourse he tells you the right things he figures with the right talk he will be able to convince you into bed, if he was really serioues he would be divorced right now. But sweetie don't make this problem turn into a bigger problem, two wrongs don't make it right. Work on your current relationship first, staying for the kids is wrong , kids can see right through the BS they know mom and dad aren't the same.