[Justme25]

I am a newly married mother of two with my husband also having a child. It has always just been me and my kids and he has raised his son pretty much on his own also for the last 3 yrs. When we got together I always knew that things would be hard if we got married to blend the family together, that is not always an easy thing. My two have adjusted wonderfully...his...not so good. We have been together for about 1-1/2 yrs now and you would think that by now i would come first being that I am the wife. Still to this day his little one comes before any of us, before me, before anything. Whatever he wants he gets and I cannot get it through to my husband that things need to change. We still have sleeping arrangements that are crazy..he has to sleep with him and then he ends up in bed with us if my husband even comes to our bed. He whines and gets his way, dad says no and then 5 minutes later lets him do what he wants. My husband still says that I need to give it time, he is still adjusting. Are you kidding me...its been long enough, he is almost 5 and it is about time to "cut the cord" if you know what I mean. I sit in my room alone at night while he sleeps with his son, my kids sleep in there own beds why shouldnt his ? This is one of those battles that I just don't know what to do about. Most people say that this is crazy and they cannot believe that but then I think that maybe I am just being a bitty about it. I don't think that I am, I am upset, I feel lonely, I feel like I come in second here and I really need to be first. I am the wife here and I just feel like it doesn't matter to him. Like he is still living his life for just he and his son, it is all about them. I just don't know what to do, I feel like I am being mean and a bad person here but at some point I am the wife here and my opinion should matter.

[golden_nemesis]

This is less of an issue of his priorities as it is an issue of having little concept of how to raise a child correctly.

Now, I am no mother, and don't plan to be for a while, but I have been at the receiving end of some very good parenting, if I do say so myself. My dad has always said that you have to have two things in mind when raising a child: structure and love. If you use too much of one and not enough of another, you will either have an affection-starved child or a little brat. Sounds like his son is suffering from the latter condition.

Blending families is hard. Have the two of you sat down and discussed exactly what roles that you are playing in the lives of each other's children? If they are all pretty young, I think it would be appropriate that each of you has equal authority when it comes to the parenting of any of your children, but that is something you will have to decide on yourselves.

It does sound like he needs to learn to say no, to mean it and stick to it, and not let any amount of whining or fits affect him.

[WildChild]

I raised my kids with a "family bed" until they were 4 and 6-1/2. Then we started working on getting them into their own beds. I made getting their own beds exciting and we made it a gradual adjustment. My son had one of those jr beds that uses a crib size mattress and my daughter had a bunk bed with the full sized mattress on the bottom and a twin on the top. I slept on the lower full sized, for a while until they got used to being in their own beds.

Your husband needs to work on this and he needs to get a more balanced relationship with you and the kids. Otherwise sounds like he got a free housekeeper and sex whe he wants it. You got... two more kids?

[Tina Lee]

I agree with everyone, blending a new family is not an easy task.

But there needs to be some balance in the household. Everyone should have their "special time" with their parent, but a husband & wife need "special time" with each other as well.

[blondie80]

Ok to start with I know this may sound silly but does his son live with you guys full time also? That is the first question, it looks like there should be room to compramise on both points here and there is always going to be differences in how you raise your children as everyone has a different idea and its harder when you already both have your own but there needs to be common ground. How old are your children also? Have you guys been living togehter for the last year and a half or dated and married and moved in in that time?
Different circumstances to different children, it depends on what sort of life he has had as well what he has been braught up with, yes this probably needs to change but at the same time I cant say anything until i know other things that have happened.
My partner and I have been together for nearly a year now I have 3 children and he has 1 they have all adjusted well but his son is 5 yrs younger than my youngest child and doesn't sleep over yet but he has had alot of time to adjust to it being a new family dynamic and still slowly adjusting further, the point being some kids just cant be pushed, some kids wont be or are unwilling or scared they are losing their parent in these situations that is why I am asking the questions, Im not saying your husband is doing the right things either, also how is your relationship with his son if you dont mind me asking.

[HALFNOTHING]

agreed to above posters..

dad must have balance with you.. talk with it on how you can solve the things..
explain him to the way he can get your point exactly for you might sounds for him childish.

right blondie80, relationship of her and the son of his husband is matter most..
it's very difficult to blend families. there must be a lot adjustments to do.. but, her and her husband only can solve it.. talk and solve what missing.. consider the people on the house.. balance.. it's not that his son is 5.. 5 is already mature for me.. he may act like childish for he has bad experience.. for the mean time, be close to the boy.. treat him like yours and maybe he will love and follow..

That's the essence why you love your husband. I bit, you knew he has a children before married.. take the consequences. lol.. i'm not blaming you. you two are responsible for this... talk about this..

[hippiechick2405]

Ok, I wasn't going to respond to this thread, but then my mouth got the best of me! I think that you have to realize that he is a FIVE year old little boy, first. And, I'm not sure if you guys have full custody of him, but if you don't and he only comes over on weekends and holidays, that is so hard on a kid. And, if that is the case, then that is why your husband gives in to him all the time. He doesn't want to be the "disciplinarian" (sp?) when he doesn't get to see him too often. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I went to my Dad's on the weekends, and I got away with ANYTHING! I would definitely talk to him about needing him to treat your kids the same, and how you two need to have a "united front" when it comes to raising kids. If you guys work against each other, the kids are going to figure that out real quick and your marriage is going to deteriorate because of it. But, just remember that these three children have obviously been through quite a bit and that they are KIDS. *We also had a "family bed" until my boys were 5 1/2 and 7 1/2 (now almost 10 and 12), then made a huge celebration of getting them their own beds.*

[golden_nemesis]

Just because kids are facing challenges doesn't mean you have to give into their every whim. My parents went through a divorce when I was 5. Did that mean my dad felt guilty and let me run amock? Definitely not. Love them, listen to them, cherish them, but give them some rules or EVERYONE will be miserable.

Also, it sounds like its a bit too late to make getting his own bed a celebration. He has one, he either just doesn't sleep in it, or has his dad sleep with him. I suppose you could still make an attempt at making a big deal out of it, bring him along to select a bed that makes him happy, like a bed that looks like a car or something. Maybe even a twin bed that would be too small for him and his dad to sleep in together.

[hippiechick2405]

We have been together for about 1-1/2 yrs now and you would think that by now i would come first being that I am the wife. Still to this day his little one comes before any of us, before me, before anything.

Does he come first? Even before your children? I am still married to the father of my children, but I can not even fathom the idea of a new man (not their father) coming before them. That is honestly strange to me.

Are you kidding me...its been long enough, he is almost 5 and it is about time to "cut the cord" if you know what I mean. I sit in my room alone at night while he sleeps with his son, my kids sleep in there own beds why shouldnt his ?

You aren't far into this marriage and you sound so resentful towards the child. I really hope that you are not letting your feelings about all of this be apparent to the kid. That could honestly be one of the reasons of him acting out. And, yes, your kids sleep in their own beds, but every kid is different. Which one of you moved into the other's house when you got married (or whenever)?

[hippiechick2405]

Just because kids are facing challenges doesn't mean you have to give into their every whim. My parents went through a divorce when I was 5. Did that mean my dad felt guilty and let me run amock? Definitely not. Love them, listen to them, cherish them, but give them some rules or EVERYONE will be miserable.

I completely agree that kids can't be given into on everything. But, I really think consideration for his age should be taken into account. And, sadly, a lot of father's feel guilty and let their children "run amock" when they get them every other weekend or whenever.

I suppose you could still make an attempt at making a big deal out of it, bring him along to select a bed that makes him happy, like a bed that looks like a car or something. Maybe even a twin bed that would be too small for him and his dad to sleep in together.

That's a good idea about letting him select his own bed or maybe even just special bedding would work. I don't see the problem with his dad sleeping in his bed with him though. If it makes him feel safe and secure, what is honestly the harm?