[Hopeless Dork]

You have to find away to work this out with him, but try to understand him, try to understand yourself too and what bothers you and let him try to help you come to terms with it. If you can't... you will probably have to leave him . You either love him as he is, or decide you can't. You will only fail at trying to change him as you are experiencing now.

[stressed]

(Personal info deleted)

[stressed]

(Personal info deleted)

[Hopeless Dork]

But stressed, he is breaking that promise and sneaking because you have made him promise in the first place not to do something that he has a desire to do. Thats like a husband forcing a wife on a diet, not her choice -- telling her she must lose weight and promise to have no more junk food... the minute he leaves she's grabbing for a snickers bar. Can you blame her? She's resentful, she had to promise not to eat things she wasn't ready to give up eating.

If its only the lying and sneaking that bother you, why did you ask him to stop doing it in the first place? Obviously the porn was bothering you. Was it the porn or his lack of interest in actual sex? If he was jumping your bones every chance he got and still watched porn would it hurt as much? If not , you need to tell him that.

You need to sit down and figure out for yourself - what all the things about porn bother you.. are you worried he would rather have someone else than you etc. Let him know your fears let him know why it hurts and have him try to eliminate them, ask him how its supposed to feel when he wont have sex with you but will still look at porn. Ask him why he thinks he is doing that.. not in a mean way but try to come to understand his reasons and try to get him to eliminate your fears.

Its so hard, trust me I have struggled with pain and heartache when my boyfriend looks at porn, but I had to come to the decision to either learn how to accept or to walk away because I know in my heart I wouldn't want him to even TRY to alter his life, things he enjoys just to pacify me. No one wins that way.

I came to understand what it means to him (and to many men) and its so different than how I saw it, (how many women see it) and I feel so much better about it, about him and about us.

[stressed]

(Personal info deleted)

[Hopeless Dork]

Stressed I completely understand your position, especially that last part. If a guy masturbates less, of course (one could hope at least) that it will increase his drive for the actual thing. If he is not providing you with enough intimacy to satisfy you, then of course it makes sense to take that stance.

Him lying, saying he can change knowing he couldnt WAS wrong. You need to let him know that too.. and how that makes you worry about what else he can say and not mean. That is important.

But getting to the heart of the matter is going to be crucial in saving your relationship, and that matter is , his lack of interest in physical intimacy with you and his increased interest in fantasy.

There is no way to get there, to the heart of that but to be open and honest about everything you feel about it, and letting him be open and honest about everything HE feels about it too.

If he was single a long time , porn was probably a huge part of his sexuality, and likely will always play a role to some degree. In order to make this relationship work he is going to have to come to terms with the reality that its not all about him and his needs anymore. He needs to focus on you and yours and make sure that you are satisfied too.

When he knows that you are craving intimacy and prefers to go off in a corner and masturbate instead of providing you with the touches and closeness you desire.. he has to understand how much that hurts, how selfish that is and how much resentment it is causing to the porn. You sound like an open-minded woman sexually, yourself indulging in porn before etc.. and the way he is handling this is changing your opinion of it and only he is to blame for that.

No one wants to feel like they are not enough stimulation for their partner, and to many women that is what porn feels like. It feels like a direct hit to our ego that they need / want something other than us to excite them sometimes. We all know men COULD NOT handle it if the shoe was on the other foot. If we needed/wanted to pass up sex with them to stare at naked men on the computer, especially if those men were perfect looking and endowed to the max.

They would lose their marbles over it, but fail to see how we feel because they just don't have to experience that. Women prefer the turn of our partner touching us, looking at us to the cold blank stare of a porn star.

But thats where we differ, and where the misunderstandings start. We a lot of times need to feel something for the things that turn us on and they... DON'T. So when they are being turned on by something we project what that would mean to us on to them when its so far from what they are feeling.

Men are wired to be visual, sure, but we are wired to crave attention and feel desired. He needs to understand that you cannot thrive in an environment where all his attention and desire is going elsewhere and you are left feeling unwanted.

It takes a lot of talking and a lot of understanding but if you love him and he loves you it will be worth working out. Life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.

[stressed]

Stressed I completely understand your position, especially that last part. If a guy masturbates less, of course (one could hope at least) that it will increase his drive for the actual thing. If he is not providing you with enough intimacy to satisfy you, then of course it makes sense to take that stance.

Him lying, saying he can change knowing he couldnt WAS wrong. You need to let him know that too.. and how that makes you worry about what else he can say and not mean. That is important.

But getting to the heart of the matter is going to be crucial in saving your relationship, and that matter is , his lack of interest in physical intimacy with you and his increased interest in fantasy.

There is no way to get there, to the heart of that but to be open and honest about everything you feel about it, and letting him be open and honest about everything HE feels about it too.

If he was single a long time , porn was probably a huge part of his sexuality, and likely will always play a role to some degree. In order to make this relationship work he is going to have to come to terms with the reality that its not all about him and his needs anymore. He needs to focus on you and yours and make sure that you are satisfied too.

When he knows that you are craving intimacy and prefers to go off in a corner and masturbate instead of providing you with the touches and closeness you desire.. he has to understand how much that hurts, how selfish that is and how much resentment it is causing to the porn. You sound like an open-minded woman sexually, yourself indulging in porn before etc.. and the way he is handling this is changing your opinion of it and only he is to blame for that.

No one wants to feel like they are not enough stimulation for their partner, and to many women that is what porn feels like. It feels like a direct hit to our ego that they need / want something other than us to excite them sometimes. We all know men COULD NOT handle it if the shoe was on the other foot. If we needed/wanted to pass up sex with them to stare at naked men on the computer, especially if those men were perfect looking and endowed to the max.

They would lose their marbles over it, but fail to see how we feel because they just don't have to experience that. Women prefer the turn of our partner touching us, looking at us to the cold blank stare of a porn star.

But thats where we differ, and where the misunderstandings start. We a lot of times need to feel something for the things that turn us on and they... DON'T. So when they are being turned on by something we project what that would mean to us on to them when its so far from what they are feeling.

Men are wired to be visual, sure, but we are wired to crave attention and feel desired. He needs to understand that you cannot thrive in an environment where all his attention and desire is going elsewhere and you are left feeling unwanted.

It takes a lot of talking and a lot of understanding but if you love him and he loves you it will be worth working out. Life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.

Thank you for your long reply, I appreciate it a lot

What made him agree to stop with the porn was the question "how would you feel if you wanted sex a lot, knew that I was masturbating to porn while you were at work and turned you down almost every time?" That made him understand the situation and even if we had been talking about it for days it was this question that ended the discussion with him agreeing to stop, as he realized he'd also feel bad about it. And, ok, maybe he wasn't actually watching porn this time and it was just pictures of an actress for a few minutes, but he could at least respect that I was out there doing something he should have done instead and that acting "tired and lazy" just to stay home and browse was disrespectful. I talked with him about it and he thinks that I'm just jealous and says I have nothing to worry about because I'm his dream woman etc. but it's not about that.

I don't know, it could be that my ex was really into sex and I never missed it while I was with him but my fiance is so different that it makes me wonder. I never thought about my ex watching porn, it never crossed my mind because he practically showed me he was sexually happy with me and I even had more than I wanted at times, so even if he did watch porn it's nothing I'd mind, it would even be for the best.

Our sex life has been bad since almost the beginning because he hates condoms and I wasn't on the pill at the time, so he became very insecure about himself (you know how men are with losing their erection and such) so I was very supportive with him and wasn't demanding anything. We talked about it and said that when I'll be on the pill things will get better. I've been on the pill for two months now, he hasn't had any problems in the last 6 months (with the pull-out method), yet, he still doesn't want sex on a frequent basis. So here I am now, starting the pill again, agreeing not to use condoms for his sake and what do I get, the same thing all over again. He has no reason not to want sex, considering that he has no medical issues, he says he enjoys it a lot and he finds me attractive, now I'm on the pill too so even better for him, but, nope, nothing for me. So having porn on top of that is just too much.

I totally understand that it takes time for someone to adjust to a relationship after being single for years, he's used to porn and quick & easy methods, but I've been supportive for a year now and things progress very slowly. I'm 25 and feel like my sex life ended at 19.

When I asked him how he would feel if he knew I was watching porn at times he said he wouldn't mind because porn is better than cheating. But you know what, I believe this shows insecurity. He's told me before that he's a little bit worried that I have sex with men I meet on the internet (even if I don't chat or meet people online). It's something he's mentioned once or twice without arguing or anything, more like mentioning a small doubt in his head. He said he wished he could come home earlier from work one day so he would surprise me and find that I have no man at home, but he's also worried to just show up in case I do have someone at home and that would be devastating. He always texts when he's on his way home even if I haven't asked him to do that.
So him not having a problem with porn only shows that he's even more insecure than me because he goes as far as to wonder whether I cheat on him or not, as I complain that I don't have enough sex with him. So of course porn can be seem as a relief by him. I've never had any doubts about him cheating since I moved in.

I agree with what you said. Men and women may want different things at different times and it's easy to be misunderstood. It takes a lot of open talking to find a solution.

[halibug]

No its not just porn. If he loves you he should respect you. I wouldnt want my husband or fiance looking at any other naked woman but me. And i hate the mindset of the world today women are just like let him be a man. No. Just because hes a man doesnt mean he has to do the things he does. It ****es me off for people to say well its just porn. The fact of the matter is, is if he has to watch that then wat in the are you for? If he is watching porn or looking at pics ots no different than if he were sleeping with those women and doing those acts.

[NJMAN]

I am on the other side of the coin

I am going thru the same thing with my Fiance. I have been a bad boy saying that i have when in arguements searched for other women online but i have also pasted that point and i have agreed that i will no longer try to contact other women thru the internet or any other way for discussion or anything. I have been accused of wanting these other women but the simple fact of the matter is that i don't know why I insist on doing it I don't even maturbate to them i just have a curiosity and i click on this then this and some times i end up on womens pics in like a google search then i stay on it looking at all the women nude i love to look but i have no interest in cheating on my Fiance or anything but i can't seem to convey that message to her in a way that she can understand to benefit our relationship.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Be careful with the word "marriage" here.

He's been on his own for along time.. He obviously found porn and masterbation came hand in hand ( no pun intended).. I don't think he can work out what a real relationship is about totally....

He's lazy.

He worries that because your not getting sex you will cheat on him.

He goes behind you back.

He commits and then takes it back.

You didn't have a great sex life with him from the beginning.

Your trying to work out this relationship and add it in so he doesn't need porn.

What seriously do you have that constitutes being engaged to this person?

Do you feel you can change him? Because you can't... It's not a pattern that you can oliminate because there is a woman in his life... He has traits that he is accustomed to and used to and more importantly that he has no intention of changing he doesn't want to...

CW