[sad-n-hurt]

I just discovered that my husband has been unfaithful and I feel like it's not real.

Last night I was on my husband's computer and I was going to copy and paste something... when I thought I had copied it, I pasted it & instead I found my stuff did not copy but was an email my husband has sent in response to an online ad for sex partners. I was completely freaked out and I didn't want to read it but of course curiosity struck and I then quickly pasted it again into a blank email in my mail own mail box.

I read it briefly and then just had to not look at it anymore. It immediately made me sick to my stomach. We have been together for 9 years and we just celebrated our 4 year anniversary. Our sex life was much more abundant 9 years ago, but it hasn't stopped. There are times when I'm too exhausted and he wanted to have sex and so I probably pushed him away.

He likes to do things in the bedroom that I have tried, but I'm not comfortable with. I have tried to let my guard down, but it has not been easy. I have also prevented us from various positions because I have an issue with my weight. I am a big girl and I don't want to squish him. He has told me to not worry about it, but it is very hard when it is something I think about constantly. And now, it has affected my sex life with my husband and now he has cheated. It has been a chain reaction that I am not trying to blame myself for his cheating, but I almost can't help it.

I confronted my husband this morning since I couldn't sleep last night and I felt like I was faking a normal conversation.

At first he denied it, but he kept apologizing. He finally broke down and said he did it. He then got very sad and embarrassed and was crying hysterically. He says he loves me and I know he does, but he said he became weak and he felt lonely in some areas of his life.

He says he thinks we both got lazy. In my opinion, I have to agree with him. We have different schedules and we stopped making the time to have a sex life.

He said that if I wanted to I could destroy his life and make him into nothing. But that is not my intention. I know he was sincerely remorseful in his breakdown this morning, and I absolutely do love him. i told him I think we should seek counseling immediately and he agreed he would go. On a side note, I think he may be a sex addict. He has a very large collection of porn and he like to go buy toys at adult toy stores. I told him I think we both need individual counseling for our problems (his possible sex addition and my weight issues) as well as couples counseling. It's the only way I know to solve the issue. i don't trust leaving it to be what it is.

I have so many more questions and I don't know how to bring them up again. We've had a fairly normal day cleaning the apartment etc, but I still have ideas pop in my head about whether I can trust him anymore. He's a real estate broker and how will I not think the next time he tells me he has an appointment, that he's not going out to meet someone else. I don't know how long he has been doing this and I want to ask him how many people has he been with, but then on the other hand I don't want to know.

I just have always thought, once a cheater, always a cheater and I would never stand for it. But now, I find myself in those shoes and I can't believe how much I'm just hurt and sad and not extremely ****ed off or enraged.

I want to wake up from this nightmare, but I'm afraid it's real.

If you have any consoling advice if you've been in a similar situation I would like to hear how you've made it out on the other side. I don't want to leave him.

Thanks for the advice.

[mr.mansview]

since he has agreed to counselling, go for it..your idea of seperate and joint councelling is a good one..start immediately..good luck

[Hopeless Dork]

It doesn't seem real and you don't seem angry, likely because its all just now hitting you. It's only been a day. You are going to go through a range of emotions, likely, anger may be one of them at some point.

If you truly came across the email via a missed copy/paste job... its almost as if the universe wanted you to see it. I know that probably sounds kooky... but to me, you saw it for a reason. Perhaps if you didn't know and confront this now he would have fell into a deeper hole of lies and sex addiction.

Maybe you can go in, the both of you, and get the help you need to fix this marriage. Not to just heal from the hurt of his infidelity but to get to the core of what caused him to stray and working on that.

You not wanting to do certain acts should not have led him to cheat, you are not responsible for that. He has to learn to sacrafice some pleasures to give you peace of mind. But of that same token... you are going to have to learn how to be comfortable enough with yourself to let him express his love/lust for you in more than just the ways you choose all the time.

Its give and take. Love is more than sex. To me I would be just as heart broken if my guy went on a date with another woman that didn't even end with a kiss as I would if he had random sex with someone. It doesn't matter how many times your husband did it, not really it doesnt. It doesn't matter how many different women, if it was just 1 or if it was 100 it would hurt equally, it really would.

If he did only certain acts, or many, all of that , knowing it, wont help you heal. Putting a bandaid on your feelings and believing he will change isn't good enough either. He knew before how much his cheating would/could hurt you and did it anyway.

If you tell someone, if you hit me over the head with that hammer, I'm going to cry, I am going to be injured, I might not even recover... please don't do it and they go on ahead and do it, knowing all the risks involved - they either have a problem, or they don't care.

He sounds like he cares, so he must have a problem. Hopefully counseling can work it out for you guys.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Firstly, can I say to you, as a "Real Estate Proprietor", in the whole 12 years I have been one, predominately, it's "couples" you deal with, or elderly, or the young, rarely do you have a "single" person of your age and if you do, rarely are they gorgeous, sexy and give you the "come heither"..

Okay, naturally I am a female, naturally I have been hit on, but point being, in the past two years I have been separated " If only ", would beat dating sites, or friends hooking you up with someone.

Secondly, you have tried to apease him in the past, as his fantasies that he wants to be "real", are not exactly what you agree with anymore.

But, obviously at the beginning you were "okay" with it, to a degree and maybe you need to both compromise a little there.

Being overweight can make you feel a tad, down, you don't feel as "pretty", as you did, I have put on a little weight and I know that feeling as well, it doesn't matter how much you put on, any amount over what you feel good about yourself with, makes you feel un-comfortable.

Don't worry about his job, don't worry about your weight, don't worry about his porn, etc, etc, worry about what you two have and what you had and do what your doing, working at getting that back.

People can "look" when feeling neglected, it doesn't mean that they act on it. You talk about an on-line sex email. Is this what you refer to as "cheating"?

From what you have written, he has only "looked", "chatted", but you know, if your going to give this ago you both have to be 100% honest no matter what..

If he has cheated, you have to know and work out if you can handle that, not knowing will make you wonder for the rest of this journey and it will break the journey as you will continue to worry, wonder, check, etc.

Be honest with each other over everything, ..

Good luck.

CW

[sad-n-hurt]

Thank you.

Thank you all for your post. I know I still have many questions to ask him and it will take time to "start over"... I just am still in utter shock and disbelief that this has happened. yes, I found the email, and I don't know if he has met and acted on it, but I just feel that he has and I haven't had the courage today to ask him straight up. I don't want to know details, I just want to know if he followed through or did he stop before it went that far. It's going to hurt regardless, but I am committed to going to counselling starting this week. I have already located a few to get an appt and will call first thing tomorrow morning.

Again, thank you for your responses. I will continue to re-read them as they made me feel like not all hope is lost and we are heading in the right direction.

[gina13]

im so sorry for that happeniing to you,,, do not blame yourself for pushing him away or any nonsense like that,, i can totally understand feeling a little inadequite about yourself ,, especially in certain positions,, i mean come on you are naked with nothing covering yourself at all,, its hard not to be a little self concious in front of a man you adore and want nothing but his undying love,,,,, but those questions that you have that you thought of,,, i would suggest writting them all down,, because if you say oh i wil remember toask him this,, sometimes there are too many questions ,, when something like this happens,, so write them all down,, try to get eery possible question you have for him,, and sit down with him again,, tell him you wanna talk about what he has been doing,, bc you have questions that you need to know,, and if he strays and says do we really need to talk about this ,, or that he doesnt wanna talk about it,, remind him,, that he is the one who cheated and you have to know the answers to your questions if your ever going to truly keep loving him,, and ever really trust him again,, then state your questions,, and go from there,,, again im truly sorry this has happened to you,, i hope it all works out for the best for you,, and dont think you pushed him away,, if he loves you,, then he should understand and be fine with the fact that everything he wants you dont want, even if it is just one or two things, and there maybe some things that you want,, that he doesnt like or just wont do,, as the old saying goes its a two way street,, he needs to respect your feelings on subjects and especially bc its about being sexually intimate,, which is a very delicate subject..

[medicmom74]

I feel your pain. I CAUGHT my husband cheating yesterday. Right now...I HATE him!!! I am unsure what to do. Would love to chat more with you. Please send me a private message. Maybe we can help each other out!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi medicmom74, the poster may return but on the left hand side it shows you when she last posted. July.

Also to send Private Messages here, you have to have posted around 33, but just so you know you can send Visitors Messages from the beginning....

Keep smiling somehow... Remember your worth.

CW

[rcoreyus]

There is one thing going for you here - you know why he cheated (assuming he actually did, and wasn't just reading / writing ads). It sounds like he felt he was missing something in his sex life - and you can provide that. If you want to stay together, you can provide what he wants and he will have no reason to cheat again.

I think if the motivation remains, he will cheat again.

Of course you also have every right to end it.

I'm not concered with rigth or wrong here, just what will keep your marriage together if you want to.