[aniya3790]

Hello, I need some advice. My husband and I just got married in April 2009 and prior too us getting married we been together for 2 1/2 years but just moved together in August 2008. With that being said, I am asking how am I suppose to deal with being a stepmom, I have a daughter of my own and he has two prior to us being together. When we were not living together everything was ok, with his girls listening to things that I say, but now it seems to go in one ear and out of the other. They are 7 and 4, about to turn 8 and 5. My daughter is going on 7 years old. I need to know how am I suppose to take it when they do not listen to what I say, when I mention this to him he constantly keeps telling me that I have to understand that there mom is in there life, but I dont think that gives them a reason to disrespect me under any circumstances. When they do certain things he gets on them sometimes but don't say anything at other times. I know being a stepmom is going to be hard work but this bothers me a lot. My daughter currently listens to him and he says thats because she doesn't see her father that offen. When we were talking about the situation and I brought it up to him, he turned things around and mentioned what I allow my daughter to do and get away with, which she doesn't get away with much, he just said that I don't see everything she does and he do, but just doesn't say anything. So I asked him what do he expect me to do if it's something I don't see and he does but don't tell me. I admit my daughter is a little forgetful at times and I try to correct her and not get her for every little thing, but sometimes I see myself constantly yelling at her over small things. I need someone that has been in this situation or is currently in this situation that can help me out.

His youngest daughter is very hardheaded and constantly hits on people and he says that's because people ignore her and don't want to play with her sometimes, but I don't think that gives her a right to go around hitting people. When I watch them while he is at work, the older for the most part listens but the youngest doesn't. And since I can't discipline them, I told him maybe he should find someone to watch them while he is at work instead of me because I am not putting up with no child that is being disrespect or doesn't listen to what I say, especially when we are out in public.

I think I am currently in a ruff situation and need advice on what to do bad! Someone please help. I don't want things to get to out of hand and we only been married for 3 months. It gets frustrating and I have little patients, so I need to know what to do!

[Guest]

Assuming you and the husband show utter respect for each other in front of the kids....

First and foremost, you need to hammer out ground rules with your hubby on how to treat/discipline the children and also how to negotiate new issues you may run into. They all need to be treated the same, no question. It doesn't matter if they are your kids or his. It doesn't matter whose children sees more of their biological parents. When they are with you two, your agreed upon rules with be the last word.

A united front is the only circumstance that will demand respect from the kids.

If your husband goes against the preset ground rules...talk to him in private. Don't argue in front of the children.

Good luck.

[blondie80]

Oh thereyouare is right you two need to talk about what it is you are meant to do, parenting is hard and even harder at times when you both have different ideas on how to bring up children and when you both bring your own children into the relationship the children feel threatened as well you need ways to combat this.
Now that the relationship has been made more permanant by you two getting married his children are probably feeling like you are trying to take him away from them. Before they wouldnt of been so worried, but now you are married and as horrible as it sounds you took away the hope of their mum and dad getting back together, I remember feeling like this when I was younger and my parents seperated I seen my step dad as a huge threat.
I would try doing little extra things with all of them as a group, ask your husband if you can organise your family day out stuff and things that make them all important, it may be hard but give them all your individual time, do something different with each one of them to make them feel like they have cemented their place in the family.
It takes alot of patience and kids will often cry out as a way of disagreeing with whats going on around them and also to get attention they think they are missing out on good or bad, but it doesn't excuse their behaviour.
You really need a plan with your husband and bring it all up in a nice way or otherwise he is probably going to get defensive because he will feel like you are attacking his children and that really wont help either.

[Karma3]

You first have to get the respect from your husband. If he is not giving you this in regards to his kids, then the kids will see this and follow suit. Kids are not stupid, they know how to read people at very young ages. Yes, these two girls have a mother, but they need to understand that when they are with you, they need to follow rules. Same goes true when kids are at other relative's houses or over at their friends house....rules have to be followed and respected. When they are in the care of their mother, then yes, she is the boss....but when they are not with her, she does not make the rules.
Your husband giving his ex respect and not you is not right. He needs to get his priorities straight. He divorced her and married you right? He needs to move forward with his life with you and his kids....not his ex and his kids.

[aniya3790]

Thanks all for your responses. I really appreciate it. My husband and I have some work to do.

[starjoy08]

Ok, I am a new stepmom. It has been hard because I never wanted kids. They are small and I only get to see them about twice a month or less when school is in. My husband and I had a long talk before I would spend time alone with the kids. I told him that I am not there mother and will never try to be but when they were with me and in my house they had to listen and respect me, due to it being my house. I was not trying to be mean, I was simple saying that if they were under my care, I wanted to do the best job possible and that meant they had to listen to me. This has worked out great so far because he had supported me in this. It sounds like you and your husband need to make ground rule and the kids need to live by them. Good Luck

[kessie]

My parents are both remarried to people with children, so I have seen (and been a part of) family-blending twice. It is by no means easy, but I agree with all the advice you have received thus far--united front, set ground rules, stick to them, discuss what behaviors can slip by/are considered acceptable or at least tolerable, and which ones need to go ASAP. You also need to do activities that include your step-daughters along with your daughter, so that they can feel like a part of your family (example: spend an afternoon baking and decorating a cake with the girls, surprise your husband with the end result, making sire to emphasize "look what we all did together this afternoon!" and things like that...) You should not back down on issues that are important to you. A child who shoves at 4 because she is "ignored" and is condoned for it will very possibly still be shoving at 10. Be clear with your husband that every time he retracts a disciplinary statement of yours it undermines you in front of the girls. Ask him who has a better sense of proper behavior--you, or a 4 year old? Just because their mother is in their lives doesn't mean they shouldn't respect you. My mother had to fight a lot for respect from my step-siblings, and succeeded. Don't give up hope. This is the beginning of a long process, but with the proper outlook you can do wonders. Good luck!

[OG612]

Well gosh-darn-gee-golly-whiz! It looks like we're really missing the kids' point-of-view here.

You've been together for 2.5 years and married for 3 months. I think you said you didn't move in together until you got married.

How long have you known his girls? What was your relationship like with them before you moved in/got married?

Do you know if their mom is remarried? Or has someone in her life? How often do they get to see their mom?

These questions are important, especially the last one, because their mother can be very damaging to your relationship with them. My mom had me brainwashed about my dad and his then-girlfriend (current step-mom) when I was just a little kid (about 10 or so). If your relationship has changed with them for the worse, it could be their mom at work. And that just sucks!

Once my relationship improved with my dad and step-mom while they were dating, she didn't want to discipline me, my brother, or sister out of fear of it ruining her relationship with our dad. She also had a hard time telling us what to do around the house. Not because we didn't like her, but because she thought we'd rebuke her. Once she took a firm stance and said "OK. These are the rules of the house..." everything improved.

Once she treated us just like she did her own daughter (who is older than all three of us) we gained a lot more respect for her.

You're going to have accept his kids as your own, but keep in mind that there is a line that you can't cross. At least not yet. It's not just your "husband's house." It's your house, too. Therefore you have rules that everyone needs to follow equally. This includes your own little girl.

You're a family now. Step-family, blended-family... it doesn't matter. You are a FAMILY. You're not trying to "replace" their mom, or be a detriment to their relationship with her. But you are family now. You all live together, eat together, and sleep in the same place together.

On your next day off, plan a picnic or something fun together so everyone can bond and become closer. If you go the route of a "united front" with your husband, you're setting up the mentality of "Us vs. Them." That's conflict. You don't need that.

Granted you and your husband need to be united in your actions/decisions regarding raising and disciplining your family together, but you need to reach out to his girls and make that relationship grow while including your own daughter in all of this as well. You can't alienate her which is a huge mistake a lot of people make (especially men for some reason).

OG