[Kara01]

Hi everyone-I am new to this forum but I just wanted an opinion. I feel uncomfortable discussing this with my friends/family...My husband and I have been together 7 years (married for 3) and we have a one year old son. He has always had a bad temper. I am not sure when I first noticed but it was probably a year into the relationship. I guess I am writing now, because last week he slapped me on the face and when I tried to walk away he grabbed me, and screamed some not so nice things in my face. We got into an argument because I forgot to pick up his dry cleaning on the way home from work. I was having a really bad day and was already running late in picking my son up from day care. He has not hit me before and I just cant get over it. He later apologized and said that he had a stressful day, but so did I and I dont call him bad names and treat him like a child. Can I consider this a one time thing?

[WildChild]

Probably not, having gotten away with it once he is likely to do it again. These things usually escalate. Getting him into counseling and anger management NOW would be a good idea.

[LanaBear]

It needs to be nipped in the butt immediately. He needs to realize that there are repercussions for his actions/temper. You need to talk to him about his temper, raising a child in such an environment, etc. He needs to do some serious contemplation about anger management counseling, etc. He needs to tell you where in the world he felt it ever right to hit you. Stressful day or not, it's a lame excuse.

Be strong!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He has always had a bad temper. I am not sure when I first noticed but it was probably a year into the relationship.

Sweet, you already know the answer.

You knew about the temper ignored it...

It's not a once off and you know it.

Take that all aside, how does he treat you normally without stress? Like a Queen, tends to your needs, is great sexually and gives you pleasure, loves his child, they usually do, just waits for the food on the table and ignores you predominately?

Tell us a bit more.

CW

[Gahzilla]

Set your hard limits in your mind and make sure you follow them. No hitting - if he hits, I am out of here. If he wants to work it out, then he needs to prove to me he is worth my time and my child's time. I am worth so much more than that.

You know, you don't get hit over forgetting dry cleaning. What else is going on? A stressful day a work won't produce something like that. What is he doing daily that could possibly be manifest onto you? Like, with my 1st ex, he was a porn addict and a cheater extraordinaire, but he blamed me and told me I was doing the cheating (story for another time) and made me suffer because he had his own issues. Your situation is seemingly like that. He's putting off on you something that is inherent in him.

Draw that hard, concrete line and paint it a bright, alerting red. And stick to it. And girlfriend, I know how hard it is to make that decision to stay with your hard limit. But you have to do it for yourself and that child. The little one will be proud of you for it. My kids are proud of me for standing my ground. If I can do it, you most certainly can!

We're in the 21st century, and I swear, some men still sport furrowed brows and have callouses on the back of their hands from where their knuckles were dragging on the floor..

[Guest]

Is it okay for a female to slap a man in the face?

[Kara01]

Thanks for the advice...I guess my big concern is the baby, and I do not want my child to see things like this. Normally we are good together, and he has a been a good father. I dont know anyone who has ever been hit by their husbands/boyfriends so I just cant really understand.

I guess, CW is right in that the hitting may have only happened once, but he has thrown things at me, hit walls, and generally threatened me before. He just explodes at the smallest things. I know stress is not an excuse, but he does a stressful job where he works long hours. I guess I always thought guys that hit women are losers that cant hold down jobs, are jealous, etc. He is none of these things. We have no problems financially, and even though I dont make as much money as him I still make good money.

Maybe I will suggest some type of counselling but even though he apologized for what he did, he also said that I was being thoughtless and careless. I feel like I try really hard to balance everything (work, child, home) and sometimes I slip. I am only human.

[Joy]

Hi Kara01, welcome to the forum! I know the physical altercation was probably a shock to your system. Forgetting dry cleaning is not reason to be struck by someone that loves you and you trust. Get into counselling for yourself or both of you go to marriage couselling together.

OTYR no it is not alright for women to go around slapping men... but until you have the anger and blind rage of a 6'2 230 lb man bearing down on you.... you don't know what you are capable of. I would suggest to any woman run for saftey or swing back and make it count.

Men and women who are physical bullies need serious help. Hitting will not resolve anything.

[Kara01]

Hi Kara01, welcome to the forum! I know the physical altercation was probably a shock to your system. Forgetting dry cleaning is not reason to be struck by someone that loves you and you trust. Get into counselling for yourself or both of you go to marriage couselling together.

OTYR no it is not alright for women to go around slapping men... but until you have the anger and blind rage of a 6'2 230 lb man bearing down on you.... you don't know what you are capable of. I would suggest to any woman run for saftey or swing back and make it count.

Men and women who are physical bullies need serious help. Hitting will not resolve anything.

I completely agree, nobody has a right to hit anyone but I am not sure about fighting back when the man significantly outpowers you.

Yeah, I am completely shocked. I am feeling anxious as well. He does not want to do counseling because he doesnt think he has enough of a problem. I guess, I will just hope it doesnt happen again. Does anyone think I am overreacting?
I would be worried to leave him, he has a lot of money to fight me with and I would worry he would get custody of my child...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Have you spoken to your family about this?

Are you suggesting your an un-fit mother? He works loads of hours, your the baby's mother, why would the Courts take him away from you? More importantly, he has a history of violence yes? His friends, his parents can ascertain that, he knows it and now your family must know it... No Court will allow a person who is violent to look after a child...

If that is a fear and your only fear, then go and report this immediately to the law what happened... have it on paper.... don't press charges, just have it recorded...


Secondly, punching walls etc, has now escalated into punching you... next your child?

He doesn't feel he has a problem and he's blaming you for the reasons for his anger, it's your fault, denial.

It's time you went home to your family and told him to sort himself out, before you and your child will return...

He won't go to counseling and you have to be strong on this and realize that every abused woman, takes it again and again because she has fear of leaving, escape and often believes the other person that it's their fault.

You guess you will see what happens?

Imagine the next powerful hit?

Imagine your child seeing it?

Imagine him accidentally knocking your child for a sixer at the same time?

When in danger what do you usually do?

Get out of there now.

but he has thrown things at me, hit walls, and generally threatened me before.

I am feeling anxious as well.

even though he apologized for what he did, he also said that I was being thoughtless and careless.

I guess, I will just hope it doesnt happen again

CW