[Guest]

my opinion

Let me tell you what i've experienced. First of all I am in my 2nd marriage, for 16 years i was married to an alcoholic who wanted nothing but to get drunk and **** to bed. I've since remarried, running in my 2nd year. My hubby and I (o my) argued constently, (partly my fault) for I would take out my anxieties, fears, and frustrations on my new hubby for all the crap I went thru w/ the X. I didnt realize i was doing such a thing until it was pointed out to me. When I stopped treating my hubby this way, we started getting along better. I stopped concentrating on the little stuff. And....women think with there feelings. What we think grows in our hearts and comes out our lips. Think rotten thoughts, they instill in our hearts, and out the lips they come. It is stated in the Bible the tounge it the hardest thing to tame. And Yes, my hubby likes to play video games, he has a fish tank(he spends alot of time with)and he loves to watch old black&white westerns; but please realize men also need to relax and think. This is how they do it at times. My poor current hubby came into a ready made family, a women and four kids, he gets stressed. Because he was stressed, I was stressed.
So the only pastor you know is your grandfather. Is he still married? how long has he been married? Can he recommend someone? Do you go to a different church? I understand you've been saying NO to counsoling ....Try not to consider it a "counsling session". Talk with his wife, she is the one I would speak with. So the both of you donot want to see a counsler. When my hubby and I were first married, he didnt want to go either. I didn't see a counslor, I went to my pastor and his wife. SSShe is one smart experienced cookie.(her husband became a pastor after they were married so there marriage wasn't always peaches&cream) So i went by myself for myself. I love my hubby. I am not perfect and yes the truth hurts and makes us cry. The only one a person can change is themselves. ((Trust me I know by living with an alcoholic.)) I am a Jesus freak!! My church, bible studies (on marriage and the wifes role), and God have helped me trumendously.(god is a father who will never let me down) We still argue but its not as bad as it was. Now my hubby goes to see the pastor on his own and goes to bible studies (for married men). What an impact God has made. Trust me we both have a long way to go!!!!!!!!! I could go on and on and on. Ask your hubby out on a date even if it just for coffee at a local diner. Your letting the fear of the past run your future. If you've completely forgiven each other, you should be able to move forward. There is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. To forgive means never to bring up the subject again. The forgetting comes with trust on both ends.

[Guest]

Well ladies the only things you have had to say are get some counceling so I guess I am just not asking for advice anymore. Thanks for being open minded. Obviously the help wasn't wanted to be given. Thanks anyways. Hope you all don't have probs and need advice. I am done with this site. Good bye!

[lilwifey07]

Well, you sound like you have been on a bump road. You said you were going to talk to you husband last night and I hope everything went as well as you might have expected it to. All I would like to say is that if you don't like the advice that people give you regarding your probs, don't post your probs. I do understand that maybe this is your only method of venting or maybe even trying to figure out if your problems aren't just your problems but the publics as well. But, you can't get mad at someone you don't know for having a matter of oppinion regarding a matter you clearly posted and wanted help. Maybe if you and your husband are doing so well right now and you have all these thoughts, you shoudl be talking to your husband about them and not us. IF your COMMUNICATION is so great then how come you can't talk to him? I am sorry I am not attacking you darlin I am simply saying don't get mad at the public for something you are shareing with the public. If we all didn't want certain advice we wouldn't be here. And counceling can be the best method for couples. My husband and I received councelling and it was wonderful. Well I wish you the best and good luck with your marriage. Ta ta!

[Laura19]

wishinforanswers07, I dont know if you will even see this considering you said you were done with this site, but i thought i would still say something. I have read A LOT of the posts on here and the ladies that have tried to give you their best advice deserve more than your griping. They have good and EXPERIENCED advice. You say that you wanted open-minded advice but it seems to me that you are the one who is closed minded. Good advice is not what you want to hear but what you need to hear. These ladies understand that much more than you do. Now as for you not wanting to go to counseling than fine, obviously thats not an option anymore. I would suggest looking online to find techniques you can use at home. You don't have to have a proffesional, find a close friend to mediate. Or do something cheesy like setting a timer for your turn to talk. But before you sit down to talk again about the issues between you two write them down, both of you individually. And try picking only two or three things to talk about at a time, or maybe even only one. But if you wont go to a proffessional than the next best thing I could suggest would be to find a technique, even if its cheesy that works for you both. Remember you can't fix everything at once, it will take time. And you might try reading the other posts dealing with the subjects your having problems with, specifically. It helps.

And your marriage will only heal as much as you and your husband let it. If you aren't willing to take the necessary steps to heal it, it wont heal. It doesn't matter what any of us think or say to you. If you BOTH dont try, nothing will happen. Be patient. May the goddess watch over you.

[kaylar]

Let's put it another way


There are some people who feel that by venting
a problem, they have 'solved' it. They don't want
advice, in fact, they want one to support whatever
decision or lack thereof they have made.

For some people simply talking to themselves, saying
the problem, explaining it to themselves, is enough to
clarify the issue, and sometimes the solutions is right
there.

I can think of telling a wife to imagine her husband
was (I used a local example, so just fill in the perfect
man here) and how she would treat him, then treat
her husband like that.

Sounds idiotic, right?

Well,she treated her husband as if he was Perfect Man,
and he began to respond as if he was Perfect Man.

So, sometimes idiotic makes sense.