[luvlife]

I've been with my husband for 8 years and like many of us we've had our ups & downs and managed to get through them all..Im sure as time goes on I will begin to believe & trust him but I'm having a hard time...So here's my story...It was May 2008 and we got together with some of his old Navy friends and we were at our house having a bbq..We all drank quite a bit, my comadre(in spanish)(she baptized our daughter) & I were pretty out of it. I ended up getting sick(vomiting) and fell asleep...my comadre ( I later heard fell asleep too on my bed...I thought nothing of it.....So now 1 yr 1/2 later I got a phone call at work from her husband telling me that my husband took advantage of her....I was confused...Couldn't believe it!!! So anyways I confronted her and she said that all she remembers was seeing him on her and that she told him "no this shouldn't be happenning" and that he placed his hands over her mouth so she couldn't say anything...So the next day she called him to tell him what he had done and that he was in schock....didn't say much to her except that he didn't remember a thing..Is that possible to black out and not remember a thing??? The worst out of all of this is that she claims that he raped her on our bed!!! How can someone hold such a thing inside of them and pretend that nothing happened (both my husband & her) we went to their kid parties they came to ours, we've had dinners together, basically they were like our best friends....She says that she didn't want to hurt me by telling me which I think is a bunch of BS...I still ask my husband what happened and he says he doesn't remember other than looking for me and walking into our bedroom and waking up to the wreck that he had later that night....I don't speak to her or her husband. I don't have no respect for her as a woman..she takes no blame and wants to blame my husband 100% for what happened... I feel decieved, confused,disgusted, curious to find out the truth, and most of all HURT!!! What should I really think???...I do love my husband and willing to work things out but don't know how to go about forgiving him....Someone give me some helpful advice...Thanks

[Hopeless Dork]

Firstly many people are able to hold such a thing inside them and pretend nothing has happened. It is, in fact, a very common reaction to aquaintance rape (not saying whether he did or didn't do that).

I don't understand how you say you have no respect for her as a woman for ...?? For waking to having her mouth covered (if thats what happened?) or for not reporting it to the police or to you directly after it happened? What is it that makes you not respect her as a woman?

If she is telling the truth and passed out drunk and woke up to being violated... how would that be her fault? I am not saying that is what happened, I am saying...were that the case, she would not be in the wrong.

If it did happen as she said, she was probably confused, felt responsible for being drunk and putting herself in the position for it to take place... the guilt and shame of a lot of rape victims, those feelings however are not justified... but they are common.

Carrying on as though nothing happened is a coping mechanism for some victims. If they *act* like nothing happened, they can pretend nothing happened, maybe they can convince themself nothing happened enough to be 'okay'. But bottling that up can sometimes be painful and some do.... speak out later because they can no longer bare the burden of that secret.

Where were you when she was in your bed? Has your husband ever acted in anyway innapropriate in the past before this incident or after it? It sounds like you don't want to hold your husband accountable for anything, which is fine, because how you deal with it is completely up to you.

She may be outright lying and NOTHING happened between them, she may have been a willing participant in activities with your husband, or she may have in fact been assaulted by him as she claims to have been.

If your husband can't even remember enough to deny it or confirm it... then you don't even have his side of the story, he has no side ... his side is lack of memory of the events.

You know your friend better than we do, has she ever made up stories like this in the past? Would she have any benefit to lying to you?

You know your husband better than we do, does he have a roving eye? Has he ever cheated? Has he ever tried to have sex with you while you slept through it? Can you in the pit of your stomach believe he would or would not do such a thing?

I sympathise with your situation. I know you must be heartbroken and confused... you are going to have to trust your instincts, and if you think he didn't do it... then stand by him... if you think your friend is lying then you will have to let her go and not associate with her anymore.

I think you will need to do some soul-searching... since this isn't a case of him saying he knows he didn't do it and she's lying outright... he doesn't know whether or not its true... he can't remember so that makes it all the more harder for you to heal from this.

If you want to work this out with your husband, obviously alchohol consumption is going to have to be dealt with, maybe some marriage counseling and finding a new group of supportive friends or family to be around at this time.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Our minds are very powerful.

"This shouldn't be happening"... he put his hand over her mouth....

She didn't move, riggle, try to scream, pass out? All she remembers is saying it should be happening.. Not "No"...

That to me says she wasn't totally out of it, was drunk, ceased the moment...

It's possible he can't remember, alcohol can do that for sure, it's possible he's using it as an excuse, you'll never know.

He instigated it in her books... But, why did she go to a marital bed? You didn't, you passed out somewhere, where on the lounge?

Were they flirting before hand "drunk?", that's my guess.

I am thinking of times I was "drunk" we all have been... "This shouldn't be happening" is a defense in my opinion of how to get out of it tomorrow, coupled with going to your room to sleep.

Where was her husband? Yours was there, you were there?

The thing is she remembers... "something", which makes me think she knew, we're little vixens when we are drunk and flirt and decide in our minds that, we are going to take.

I don't buy it frankly but that's me.

I don't buy that he doesn't remember either, as If I was drunk as a male, I would have laughed or ignored, I wouldn't think of my wife, not far away, I would be too drunk.

It is what it is, it happened.

Your decision of what to do, but you will never know the truth, it won't be told.

CW

[luvlife]

From what I understand is that her husband (which was also there at the bbq) had laid her out on my bed to sleep for a bit b/c she was passed out on the chair... That's how she ended up in my room. My husband went looking for me not knowing that I got sick and that's how he ended up in the room. At first he said that he thought that my friend was me...b/c the lights were out...Bunch of bologne to me b/c how can u not know that the women laying there was not his wife? As far as the rest after him entering the room I don't understand and never will I just have to some how try to cope with my inner feelings....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It is possible, in the darkness, in his own bedroom, drunk that he intially did think it was you...

But, he then said to her " he didn't remember a thing" but what did he say to you, because you said, " at first he said", so what was the second thing he said?

[rcoreyus]

It sounds like everyone involved was very drunk. In that case it is almost impossible to figure out what really happened - probably no one has a clear memory. After all this time I think there is nothing to be done except get on with you lives, and realize that you will never really know.

[WildChild]

I think R is right. You will never know and they may not really either.

[luvlife]

UPDATE: It's been a little over a year now since I found out and since then my husband & I decided to attend marriage counseling (it really was his suggestion, I was ready to throw the towel in) because it's very hard to cope especially the minute I lay my head on the pillow....my mind just keeps going. I still have trust issues with my husband and don't know at this time if I could ever gain his trust....It's true, I will NEVER find out what "REALLY HAPPENED", so I try to block things out if I want my marriage to work. I haven't seen her and don't think I will be kind when I do...I'm still very upset with both of them for holding such awful secret for so long. Wish me Luck with coping.