[CopperSky]

Well, here it is, the holiday season again and yet another disagreement about me taking part in my BF's (of 5 years) family functions. I started going to his family events the first Easter we were together; it unfortunately set the tone for all future events to this day. Long story short, my BF's SIL seems to like to get a literal "rise" out of my BF. She tends to know every salacious comment or action in the book ~ from innuendo to subtle brushes with her breasts or hands on his thigh to over the top, bend over and let him see her anatomy in tight jeans. She is a sly one. BF admits she is flirtateous; but he will not remove himself from an advance. This SIL is also bi-polar and he attributes her inappropriate behaviour to her mental illness. Okay, I bought this for a while....but she only does this with BF, not any other male I see in her company. Being bi-polar doesn't mean you don't know right from wrong. The SIL will actually look at me for reaction if I happen to be in the room ~ I simply give her an icy stare. BF doesn't seem to think it's disrespectful towards his brother or me ~ and that I am the only one overreacting to "innocent" flirtations. He actually thinks his brother doesn't pick up on this; I beg to differ. The last straw was when his father suddenly died this October and while his body was being removed by the medics, SIL remained alone with us in living room and decided to throw BF a salacious smile while she bent down directly in his line of sight. It was so totally foul. When I mentioned it to my BF a few weeks later, he tells me I'm crazy and that I have issues ~ to leave her be. He provides no comfort, no allegiance Her actions, his inaction ie silent condonement has literally left me wanting to run screaming from this man; I highly suspect a longstanding affair. If you have had similar experiences, please tell me how you handled it.

[LanaBear]

Sounds pretty disrespectful... I'm not sure how you could just let this be and go on ignoring it. So, you have a few options.

Talk to her about it.

Talk to the brother about it.

Leave it be.

Leave your boyfriend.

If you he really loves you, he'd give her the smack down and tell her to knock it off or would talk to his brother about it. He's obviously acknowledging it, so it's not as if he doesn't see it happening.

If you really love him, you should talk to her and see how that transpires. If all else, you leave or give him an ultimatum (but those suck and I don't necessarily agree with them, but sometimes the situation warrants it).

[CopperSky]

SIL and I had words early on...it subsided for a couple of events then returned in full measure wherein she told me she could touch her family members whenever she liked. I've also attempted to have calm discussions with BF which normally lead to condescending rages telling me I'm psycho/crazy, etc. - that I'm trying to break up the family dynamic. I know in my heart where this is going; I appreciate your answer LanaBear.

[Guest]

have you discussed it with any of the other female family members? have any of them said anything about her behavior?

[WildChild]

The interpretation of a look is often with the beholder. Has your bf done anything to give substance to your thought of an affair? Does she act flirtatiously with women as well? I've encountered some people (usually women, a man who did it would probably get disabused of the behavior by another man at some point) who act this way with everyone.

You can't change her behavior, only she can do that. Since her in laws don't seem to be bothered by it, your best approach may be to change your response to her. Instead of an icy stare why not give her a warm smile or wink? She may just be out to get your goat, so to speak. Taking a lighter approach may disarm that behavior, in any case you could be more relaxed and enjoy yourself more.

[Hopeless Dork]

Have you tried talking to your boyfriends brother about it? If he is blissfully unaware perhaps you could draw his attention to her behavior. Maybe once he notices it happening he could be the one to ask her to cool it.

Your boyfriend is getting attention, in his eyes harmeless attention if he loves his brother and you and knows he wouldn't do anything with this woman.... but it isn't harmless if its hurting your feelings. His few seconds of feeling the object of her desire are not worth the repercussions of you feeling disrespected and hurt.

Since its not overt and only subtle...she's toeing a line. She is doing things that we as women know are on purpose... the bending and what not... but she can play it off if called out on it, she knows what she's doing and she knows you know.

Ask your boyfriend if he'd mind if you disrespected him in the same way. Bent over and smiled at some guy while he has to sit back and watch this other guy get a thrill out of HIS girlfriend shamelessly seducing some other guy in front of him.

Is he this inconsiderate about other things or just this?

[CopperSky]

The interpretation of a look is often with the beholder. Has your bf done anything to give substance to your thought of an affair? Does she act flirtatiously with women as well? I've encountered some people (usually women, a man who did it would probably get disabused of the behavior by another man at some point) who act this way with everyone.

You can't change her behavior, only she can do that. Since her in laws don't seem to be bothered by it, your best approach may be to change your response to her. Instead of an icy stare why not give her a warm smile or wink? She may just be out to get your goat, so to speak. Taking a lighter approach may disarm that behavior, in any case you could be more relaxed and enjoy yourself more.

Well, believe it or not she has done this to her father-in-law. He also said she was outrageously flirtateous. I've not seen her be this way with any one else but BF and FIL, she's not even this way with her husband. She's been in the family 15+ years, given the parents a grandchild, so their stance on it is that "it's just Eunice (not real name)". BF's mother mentioned one time that when confronted on anything, she threatens to leave her husband (with child)...so I have an idea why they tolerate it. I didn't mention that she lost their house, put her husband $25K in debt and didn't watch the baby so he had to move in with his MIL (who is a saint) to get theirselves out of financial ruin.
I know SIL's perception is askew...BF says if I confront her it may send her into a bi-polar tailspin.

[pretzel]

I know SIL's perception is askew...BF says if I confront her it may send her into a bi-polar tailspin.

Maybe that is what is needed to get her some help?