[Tango]

I'm looking for a place to speak my mind and maybe for some words of encouragement.

My husband and I are planning on trying to conceive this summer. He's nervous about finances, the responsibility... normal stuff.

I'm nervous about starting a family, and then having our marriage fail. My parents got divorced right after I was born, and the majority of my family has gone through a divorce. I have no reason to think our marriage won't work out other than statistics and the history of my family.

I know children can add a lot of stress to a marriage and 1. I wouldn't want it to break us apart 2. I wouldn't want my child to have to live through what I went through/ and still deal with.

I know marriage and family is a lot of work and I just hope my husband and I are strong enough. They say 50% of marriages fails and I'm having trouble seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty.

[Guest]

well it is a good thing that you are looking to think it through instead of it just happening. you didnt mention how long you two have been married, if both of you work, what would be the plans for who keeps on working or not after the baby is born, whether or not you could survive on one salary, if there are relatives nearby who could provide childcare, etc.

i really cant much advice without knowing a bit more, but i will say that having a kid to try and save a relationship is always a bad idea.

[rcoreyus]

Well - you are right to be thinking about this - it is an enormous step - far more important than getting married or buying a house. One you have kids, you are committed for the rest of your life. Many people really love their kids, but not all do, and I know some who desperately wish they never had them.

Some thoughts:
You could try taking in a foster child for 6 months. My wife and I did that years ago - and became convinced that kids were NOT something we wanted - and she had been so sure before.

Do you spend a lot of time with kids - babysit for friends etc. I'm surprised at how many people decide to have kids when most of their input comes from movies. (!)

The financial burden is huge as well. Will you want to send them to college? All family trips cost more. You can't spend all your money in your retirement - need to save for their inheritance.


I'm not trying to discourage you (much), but it really is a very very big step .


If you enjoy the time you spend with kids. If you don't mind that your life will be completely different (not worse, but completely different), then it may be OK. I'd suggest spending as much time with kids as you can before you decide.

One other thing - you both really need to feel on board with this. If one of you is feeling pressured, it is a recipe for disaster. Some people go along with having kids because they think they "should". Only do it if it is what you both really want.

[LanaBear]

It's always nerve wracking when you decide you are going to attempt to start a family. If you are not 100% sure, don't start until you know.

It's a huge step. Both my hubby and I come from divorced parents, so yeah, we had some of the same feelings. You want to have a strong relationship before hand before having a child. Like Sperosi said, don't have a kid to save a relationship, it won't work.

Do you have room? Are you willing to change a lot of what your life is about now? Will both work? Stay at home dad or stay at home mom? If you both work, can you afford childcare? Who will provide the childcare ie daycare center, in home care, etc? IMO, there's a lot of things to think about before deciding when to have a kid.

I don't think you want to necessarily judge how you interact with other kids to decide whether or not you want your own. I love my two boys more than life itself, they are my world, but, I have a low tolerance for other people's children, especially misbehaved ones.

[pinklilies]

I'm looking for a place to speak my mind and maybe for some words of encouragement.

My husband and I are planning on trying to conceive this summer. He's nervous about finances, the responsibility... normal stuff.

I'm nervous about starting a family, and then having our marriage fail. My parents got divorced right after I was born, and the majority of my family has gone through a divorce. I have no reason to think our marriage won't work out other than statistics and the history of my family.

I know children can add a lot of stress to a marriage and 1. I wouldn't want it to break us apart 2. I wouldn't want my child to have to live through what I went through/ and still deal with.

I know marriage and family is a lot of work and I just hope my husband and I are strong enough. They say 50% of marriages fails and I'm having trouble seeing the glass as half full instead of half empty.

I am getting married this summer and thats when my fiance and I plan on trying to start a family. I am scared and nervous as well and I always have a bunch of thoughts running through my head.

You say a majority of your family has gone through a divorce. Thats your family not you and your husband. If you two care alot about each other and are there for each other and communicate during the good and bad times I think you have a great chance to make everything work. Yeah having kids can be stressful but if you are there for each other and you are on the same page about how to raise your children you can get through anything.

I hope that helps.