[CK001]

I'm sitting here crying over everyone's response. What the is wrong with me? All I know now is that he's opened up my eyes and I really don't want it to go back to what it was. I really want to change our relationship.

Why did I let go so on long? Why didn't I notice the problems first and want to change? It wasn't all passionateless - we had some great moments, but they were getting fewer and far between. I use to be a very passionate person - I've just felt like life (kids, work, laundry...) swallowed it all up.

But my kids are getting older and less needy, my hip is finally healing, I'm finally on a great project (I'm a consultant), I finally am starting to feel OK about myself too.

But what really hurts is it's just too late. I'm starting to realize what I want but it's just too late.

I am going to go to counseling. I need to because I think I have been depressed for way too long.

But there's nothing I can do to save my marriage is there...it's just too late.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Remember, never say never

The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Don't start blaming yourself sweet, everything takes two...and you may find that he "will find", it different, a sense of loss, he will remember the beginning, the good times, if you focus on what you are thinking above, and on you and all those changes and believe and truly believe that it's your turn to shine, and FOCUS only on you for now, he will also see all of those changes, instead of "thinking" your just talking.

That's what's needed for you and for him and for any posibility of getting back together later.

Go to councelling, it's fantastic that your hip is getting better, you need to understand that, that was a major trauma in your life, major and off course it's going to put you off anything, with trauma often comes depression and you had every right to feel it, experience it, and now your letting go of it.

I would guess that he couldn't see that, comprehend that, and just ignored all of that, which is not part of what constitutes a relationship either, so stop beating yourself up there.

Work on you and see what happens as a result a little bit down the track.

Most "affairs" don't last, some do, granted but most don't as the other person gets comfortable, all their true colours come out as well.

Just try to smile, be happy when you have to see or speak with him, keep him seeing the changes in you and the non clingy, or begging, flirt a little, stir him, let him wonder....

But have no expectations just a belief... and stand tall sweet.

CW

[CK001]

CW - thank you, thank you, thank you. This was what I needed to hear. Of our 12 year marriage, probably only the last 4 years were passionateless. It use to be so good...

I remember we had just moved into our new house and I found out I was pregnant with our first child...I asked him to go dance on the deck in the moonlight. He laughed and said why. I said because with a new house and birth of a child, I knew our life was going to get crazy. I wanted to make some good memories there so that one day we could say, "remember when we use to dance on the deck."

Self-fullfilling prophacy, I guess.

I have to take care of myself and my kids too. Yesterday, I went to the playroom with my son and helped him setup his Thomas the Train tracks. He has a million tracks and we use to spend so much time building intricate tracks. He turned to me and said, I'm so happy you are here Mommy, you haven't played trains with me in a long time.

It broke my heart.

The one thing I did learn with my last surgery was how to relax more. I was in pain for a few months before and on complete bed rest for 2 months after. I had to let things go because things just couldn't get done. Laundry waited until I had a good day. Online shopping and groceries were depended on. The kids had to learn to pick up after themselves.

I am going to use this as an opportunity to play again.

CK

[CHANDLERS WISH]

LOL's yep..

It's funny in life, there will always be obsticles, but there will ALWAYS be opportunities

You saw something yesterday, you saw something the other day, you saw something today, this is the new beginning what ever that brings, pftttt...

I too was bed ridden for 3 months, and injured quite badly for 1 year, so I know how that feels and what gets left behind etc, and I had a husband that just said "get over it" and "expected" from me .. It was extremely, difficult and I have no idea how I remained me, focused, and pulled through it all.

There's a time for tough love and there's a time for understanding and love..

Love yourself now and your kids, your heading in all the right directions with your mindset, feel proud....

GO play!!

I love the idea that you had and "did" about dancing on the deck in the moonlight, how romantic.

I think you can get you back.

And, I think you can show this man of yours exactly who you were and now are and I think he's in for a shock....

Just remember, to be that way even when you feel down, in front of him.. make him wonder...

Please keep us posted,

[jnd2009]

Just wanted to apologize for my reply yesterday- I must have been really tired- CK, I thought TX red was your husband. Whoops, sorry!

[happy ending]

i am glad you are going to see a counsellor it may be too late to save your marriage but you can separate with dignity. i am sorry your marriage has broken up, but it is good you acknowledge where you went wrong, its a pity that your hubby didnt make more of an effort to talk things through, especially as you had serious health issues. anyway if you take the advice of someone who has been there and done that, the most important thing is putting aside your feelings of anger and being a good parent. i hope although he has left you he is still there for your kids and doesnt try to get at you through them. in my opinion that is the worst thing they can do!

[pretzel]

I'm sitting here crying over everyone's response. What the is wrong with me? All I know now is that he's opened up my eyes and I really don't want it to go back to what it was. I really want to change our relationship.

Why did I let go so on long? Why didn't I notice the problems first and want to change? It wasn't all passionateless - we had some great moments, but they were getting fewer and far between. I use to be a very passionate person - I've just felt like life (kids, work, laundry...) swallowed it all up.

But my kids are getting older and less needy, my hip is finally healing, I'm finally on a great project (I'm a consultant), I finally am starting to feel OK about myself too.

But what really hurts is it's just too late. I'm starting to realize what I want but it's just too late.

I am going to go to counseling. I need to because I think I have been depressed for way too long.

But there's nothing I can do to save my marriage is there...it's just too late.

I unfortunately know exactly how you feel. That was me 7 years ago. Before my ex and I finally divorced, we ended up being in the "business" of marriage. We got along fine and did a pretty good job of raising our kids and getting along fairly well with each other, but we had drifted so far apart in what was important to each other and to our relationship that divorce just seemed a natural extension of where we were. A twenty year relationship where at one time we both shared the same values and perspectives on love, marriage, and parenting had vanished.

It goes without saying that it takes two to tango in a relationship but we can only be responsible for ourselves and the actions we take (or don't take for that matter). From reading the thread, you're actions especially in recongizing that some of the things you've done in the past has had an adverse effect on not only him but the relationship as well. You were willing to make changes and to accept that part of the problems were you doing.

He chose not to make the same concessions and accept his share of the responsibility. That is not you doing and you should not feel guilty because of the choices he made. He has just as much responsibility to make the marriage work and the relationship work. He has decided not to.

Your positive outlook now should be a beacon that can shine elsewhere. You should look at this as a new beginning. I did when I was at this point where you are.

(and as a word of caution, the past has a tendency of repeating itself. Be careful of that, it's not nice when it does)