[Guest]

My friend just got married 6 months ago or so...

I know that her and her husband argue especially when they have been drinking.

When she's been drinking she has told me that he hits her. The very next time she sees me, the first thing she says is that she does not know why she said that because it is not true.

She has told me that he gets violent when he drinks.

I recently asked her flat out "Does he hit you?"

Her reply was "No he does not ABUSE me" she saying that over and over.

She then said that when he drinks he gets very "adjatated" and he might push her and then made a swinging motion (like she was slapping something) and said that he doesn't mean to, he always feels so bad in the morning.

I know that he did hit her once during an arguement but she says it was an accident, that he did not mean to hit her, he was just swinging his arms when he was yelling and he happened to hit her.

I honestly believe that he is hitting her, but she won't admitt it to me.

I am scared for my friends life, please help.

[KISH]

As Concerned As You Are...you Friend Has To Be The One To Find Out Her Mistake On Her Own. You Have Done Your Part....you Have Let Her Know That Something Is Wrong With Her "situation". The More You "pester" Her About It...the More She Wont Listen To You. Maybe You Should Try To Let Her Talk When She's Hurt. When She Does...she'll Tell You More Than You Think She Will. And Wehn She Does...she'll See That You're Not "negative" ( As She Might Have Seen You) And Ask You For Your Help. Good Luck.

[JubesInquest]

She has to accept the matter for what it is: he's physically abusive.

Does he hit while he's sober? While she's sober? Still an abuser.

She told the truth while she was drunk... there's a saying that talking under the influence is like a "truth syrum". Those are the things the person would never say while sober, but all inhibitions are out the window while drunk.

The ball is in your girlfriend's court.

[jen0519]

I have a freind like that to. I don't know what to do! She got pregnant and married this guy within 6 months! Its hard because on one hand, you know its to good to be true, and on the other hand you want her to be happy. So I decided to keep my mouth shut for a while and see how things went. It wasn't long before he was beating her up. He acctually sent her to jail when she was pregnant. He beat her up first then called the cops and told them a bunch of lies! Another time she was holding her newborn and he pushed her up against the wall choking her! I tried to tell her that she needed to leave but she never listened. Eventually he abandoned her. Took off one day without saying a word. Emptied out the bank account and left her to take care of the 2 kids. I was so happy for her!! She was scared but I knew that she would be okay. I tried talking to her about the good parts of being single. She started seeming better. Then all of a sudden he came back! He is too embarassed to face anybody. I haven't even seen her since she told me. She called me the other day to tell me that she was moving away with him! I don't know what to do. She knows that I am telling her the right thing but she doesn't listen to me. She wants to have him around so badly just because he helps her with the kids! I asked her is it worth it to deal with wondering if he is gonna flip tonight. And what about when he kids get older? Is he going to take it out on them? I have been freinds with this girl since high school! I can't figure out how to stop her from making another huge mistake!

[JubesInquest]

It's A Shame

I have a freind like that to. I don't know what to do! She got pregnant and married this guy within 6 months! Its hard because on one hand, you know its to good to be true, and on the other hand you want her to be happy. So I decided to keep my mouth shut for a while and see how things went. It wasn't long before he was beating her up. He acctually sent her to jail when she was pregnant. He beat her up first then called the cops and told them a bunch of lies! Another time she was holding her newborn and he pushed her up against the wall choking her! I tried to tell her that she needed to leave but she never listened. Eventually he abandoned her. Took off one day without saying a word. Emptied out the bank account and left her to take care of the 2 kids. I was so happy for her!! She was scared but I knew that she would be okay. I tried talking to her about the good parts of being single. She started seeming better. Then all of a sudden he came back! He is too embarassed to face anybody. I haven't even seen her since she told me. She called me the other day to tell me that she was moving away with him! I don't know what to do. She knows that I am telling her the right thing but she doesn't listen to me. She wants to have him around so badly just because he helps her with the kids! I asked her is it worth it to deal with wondering if he is gonna flip tonight. And what about when he kids get older? Is he going to take it out on them? I have been freinds with this girl since high school! I can't figure out how to stop her from making another huge mistake!

What can you do?

You've talked to her, reasoned with her --practically begged her get away from this man -- but now, she's moving away with him!

He'll feel even more free to beat her ... too sad.

She falls under the battered-woman syndrome. The amazing is, he left her and STILL she goes away with him!

She really needs to look at her children and see what this is doing to them.

What does this teach a girl? Or a boy?

It teaches a girl that abuse is a way of life ... after all, her mother lives this way, so it must be how you're supposed to live.
Maybe she'll be one of a few females that will look at her mother and say, "This is NOT the way I want to live my life."

It will teach a boy to grow up and make sure that his "woman stays in line" by beating her.
This is what he sees his dad do to his mother; so it is what he thinks he is supposed to do.

She needs to get beyond herself and what she wants and look at her children and see what kind of life they maybe prone to have in the future.

Let me add this:

Many years ago, a relative of mine went to the funeral of woman who's spouse beat her regularly.
He (the husband) kept saying he didn't mean to do it; it was an accident.
See, he jumped on her and her neck broke... it killed her. So, it's like she was supposed to take that beating and NOT die.

I had a very close childhood girlfrend of mine who never knew her mother. He dad beat her mother to death and didn't do a day in jail (go figure). Well, her brothers and sisters were much older than she was; as a matter of fact, the one closest to her in age was almost 18 at that time. So, her mother's mom took her most of the time until she finally got full custody of her.

[loveofachild]

Tidi and jen0519,

There is nothing you can do. These friends have to know when enough is enough. Women are in denial most of the time because they really feel like this is what love is, and they want to stay together for the sake of the babies, if any. You cant not help her until she admits that she needs help.

I have a friend, When she was 13, she was messing with this 19 year old guy, who I believe was raping her. She got pregnant. We were only in the 7th grade. She left school, went to home school. 2 years later she was pregnant again. He was not the father. Her mother put the father in jail because her daughter was under age. When he got out he beat her some more, becaue the new child was not his. She got pregnant two more years later, this time the child was his. He kicked her in the stomach and tried to burn her (while she was pregnant). She ended up having this baby all the while he is kicking herher behind. I barely went over there anymore because he and I used to argue. I didnt want to argue in her house. If he had have hit me we would have fought like two grown men.

The point is my friend is still dealing with this man. Until she gets fed up, or is killed, there is nothing that anyone can do about it.

[jen0519]

Well, not to long after they moved he left her again! I knew it would happen. He hasn't paid a dime in child support. He hasn't called her. He wrote her one e-mail saying that he is going to take her son away. I tried explaining to her that no judge is going to give a child to someone who has abandoned him twice already. That the only reason he wants him, is because she has him. And he knows that it will hurt her to lose her son. Well, all that talk stopped. He is now a male stripper at a gay bar! Or at least he said so. I can't see anyone paying money to see him naked. But she is going down the same path again. She has been with so many different men since then. I am glad he is out of her life, but she is just going to find someone who will treat her just as bad the way she is looking for men. I hate this word but it is the only way to describe her. ****! Is she just afraid to be alone?

[JubesInquest]

Well, not to long after they moved he left her again! I knew it would happen. He hasn't paid a dime in child support. He hasn't called her. He wrote her one e-mail saying that he is going to take her son away. I tried explaining to her that no judge is going to give a child to someone who has abandoned him twice already. That the only reason he wants him, is because she has him. And he knows that it will hurt her to lose her son. Well, all that talk stopped. He is now a male stripper at a gay bar! Or at least he said so. I can't see anyone paying money to see him naked. But she is going down the same path again. She has been with so many different men since then. I am glad he is out of her life, but she is just going to find someone who will treat her just as bad the way she is looking for men. I hate this word but it is the only way to describe her. ****! Is she just afraid to be alone?

LOL, I can't stop laughing at this:

He is now a male stripper at a gay bar!

All that beating up on her and he was just mad because he didn't want to admit to himself that he was gay. He took it out on her..... shame on him.

She has been with so many different men since then. I am glad he is out of her life, but she is going to find someone who will treat her just as bad


She's dealing with the abuse the only way she knows how. One man is not going to replace the hurt she feels or help matters any. She has to get to know HERSELF. She needs a therapist to help her through all that physical, mental and emotional abuse; she also needs to let her kids get some help.

None of what happened is good for any of them; and she's only making matters worse by chasing down all these different men. Has she stopped to think what all this does to her children?

[frogger]

Don't turn your back on her!

Have you used the words Domestic Violence with her? Is she aware that DV is not always physical or violent? (I didn't know that until four months ago). Give her information on abuse, i.e. printouts from the web or books from the library or women's crisis center. Keep them at your place so that you can both go over the material together and without him breathing down your necks.

My friends and neighboors "didn't mention it" and "kept their opinions to themselves" and "didn't get involved" so it took alot longer for me to figure it out on my own. It never accured to me that I was a DV statistic because he had never hit me. He did control everything with words, guilt, and self-doubt. It's been 17 years, we have children now and life is very complicated.

I hope you will not listen to these other posts that sugget that you walk away or ignore this friend. That would be very wrong. She needs you most now even if she kepts telling you that she is not in this kind of relationship. If you really care, you will stay the course. HELP HER BY BEING A GOOD FRIEND.

[LadyLane]

I took a course in Domestic Violence. There are different kinds above and beyond physical abuse. There is the emotional abuse, being cursed at, screamed at, called names, etc. There is financial abuse, where money is withheld and doled out in small increments, so the wife can never save any, and has nothing of value in her name. There is isolation, where the abuser slowly cuts friends and family out of the abusees' life so that no one can be told what goes on in the house. It's ALL domestic violence. It is all grounds for divorce.

TIDI - What you can do is keep a record of when you see her that she's mentioned she's been hit or they've had an altercation but she won't say that he hit her. Write down every incident with the date and a description of what she's told you. You don't have to tell her about it because she's too defensive of him right now, and may be for a long time. Just do it for her because she may need it someday.

This way, if she ever decides to leave him, or he really hurts her - which he's going to, I can tell you now - you've documented it all for her. That is friendship.

Ladies, let not any one reading this thread think that these women we're reading about have self-esteem issues, bad parents, were alwasy screwed up, attracted to bad men, etc. Some men don't change until they're married. And some men are very good at the manipulation - a girl who is assertive and self-assured cannot believe what has happened to her the first time her boyfriend/husband slaps her. She's stunned. She's ****ed. She's going to leave, call her parents, separate from him right away. But he maybe cries, begs forgiveness, buys flowers, writes out a beautiful card, maybe makes her breakfast the next day. He assures her, "This will never happen again. You just got me so mad." So she doesn't tell a soul. She thinks, "It will never happen again. He loves me. I would never be with a man who would hit me again."

This is termed the honeymoon phase. And it may last a long time, meaning, he won't do it again, maybe for six months. Her fear is long gone, her trust in him is built back up again. But then one day she argues with him, or sighs, or rolls her eyes, and he'll hit her again, harder or somewhere else, and there will be another honeymoon phase. And as this continues, the self-esteem begins to deplete, and she becomes unsure of herself, because she never knows what will set him off, or when, and those honeymoon phases get shorter and shorter, until there is no longer even a simple "I'm sorry."