[east98606]

I am 46. My wife and I have been together for 25 years. I can understand not wanting to give up after so much time has been invested. BUT....
He is controlling you and in a way you are allowing it. He is trying to control the money, the space.... all of it. If your son is serious about letting you move in with him then pack your bags and go.... like now.
The state assistance obviously is joint.... to the both of you. Get ahold of a womans shelter. I'll bet they'd be a great resource for you with respect to some of your obstacles. Google some attourneys. There has got to be someone who will help with a legal separation. IF that is what you need to get some help from the state. I can not begin to understand what you are going through. But you have kids that will help. The first step in moving forward has to be to at least take ONE step forward. Move out.... clear your head...contact some professionals and BE SAFE!

I have been married to my husband going on 37 years now, and we have 8 grown children and beautiful grandchildren. The problem is that my husband is verbally abusive towards me, shows me disrespect in front of my kids, and in front of my daughter inlaws, and we have absolutly no communication between us.

His last stunt was kicking me out of our bedroom, and he hasn't spoken to me since. It was over something so childish, but to me it means he wants nothing to do with me. I just turned 51, and he is 58 but we are not even attracted to each other. Let me explain what led up to the latest events. My husband is on disability, and sells on Ebay to supplement his income.He went totally over board and always buys more merchendise than he sells. He has me and my daughter doing his listings, and shipping his packages. We don't have access to his account so the money all goes to him. He is paranoid now that he invested all his money and is angry at us because he doesn't think we are doing enough to sell his stuff. He know's the economy is bad and he does sell, but he uses the money to purchase other items and then panics when the rent is due because he falls behind.

Anyway, he told me to cancel my account, and to only have his ebay account. He wanted to make sure the money was going into his account only. I kept my account active because I have credit cards I am paying and I need gas money since I'm not working. That is also his fault but I'll get to that later Anyway, one day out of the blue he asked me if I was selling anything on ebay under my account and I told him that I had a few things listed. He insisted on seeing my account, and went balistic when he saw that I had sold a few things. He then wanted to check my paypal account and then my bank account to see if I had any money. I didn't hesitate because I had nothing to hide and allowed him to check my accounts to avoid ****ing him off more, and thinking I was trying to hide something.

I swore up and down that the items I had listed were not his, I bought them with the money my daughter had given me, and I was selling because I needed money to put gas in the car and to have spending money. I don't ask him for money, and he never offers me on his own without having to know for what. He started calling me every dirty name in the book, making me feel like garbage. He called my oldest son, and told him that I had a secret bank account behind his back, and that I was selling behind his back, and he didn't feel he could trust anyone in the house anymore. My son was understanding with me, and told me to just let him vent, and ignore it.

He has ignored me since that day, won't eat the food I cook so I stopped cooking for him, don't go in my bedroom, I sleep in the spare room, I took all my belongings out and let him have the bedroom. I am seriously thinking about filing for a legal seperation but I don't have the money to afford it and I don't really want to go move in with my sons because they both have families and live in small apartments. My younger son is telling me to just leave without filing the seperation, and live with him and his wife until I figure out what I want to do.

I am trying to get a job so I can take care of myself. I use to have a nice job as a caregiver and I loved it. He was taking my money but I was able to just go to work and escape for 8 hours and not deal with his bs. He wanted to be able to keep his medical card and public assistance so I had to quit my job when we got cut off due to me working. He always complains about not having money yet he would rather us stay on public assistance so he won't risk losing his medical card, than to allow me to have a job.

I'm fed up and disgusted with my life. I want to leave him so bad but am afraid. I know that once I find a job, I will be able to leave and take care of myself. I feel guilty sometimes just thinking that we have been married for so long, and I don't see a future ahead for us. I am always lonley because we never talk, and when I was working I would come home and try to tell him something exciting about my day, but he would cut me off and tell me to go put him something to eat, or just plain stop talking , I don't want to hear it.

I'm lucky I have my daughter, and grand daughter living with us. My daughter is my life saver but the poor girl is the one suffering. Her father calls on her to do everything he won't ask me to do for him. That's another reason he feels he can push me aside, he feels he can just ask her to run all his errands. She feels like , the way he's always calling her to do this or come do that, or asking her for money alll the time. She went through a nasty divorce herself and collects child support for her daughter. She always contributes more than her fair share of the bills and then some to help out her dad but he always wants more. She has too much respect to say anything to him but we share each others pain.

Please give me some advice because I am at my end here. I only want to be respected and I deserve to be happy. Is there anyway of getting away from him? I am broke, no money, no job, and no resources. He even told me to give him my bank card, and paypal card but I refused, then he told me to give him the food stamp card and he won't let me have it back. He went to Walmart the other day and bought some food himself so he could eat. He is so lame. Please help me ladies, I need some solid advice here. Thank you, and many blessings.

[mowaynat]

i need help please

If he treated everyone like that, I would think it was dementia. I even mentioned it to our doctor but she said I should go get some counseling even if he refused to go. He seems to pick and choose, he knows who he can mess with and who not. He will be in the middle of an ugly name calling scene with me but then the phone rings, and he see's that it's a friend or his sister, and he will become a totally different person in minutes. We blamed it on his meds at first because he takes a lot for various things, but he knows who to pick on, he's in control. He can be rude and obnoxious to the receptionist when we go to the doctor, he doesn't care. It's embarresing sometimes the things he does. He has developed habits which cause the ones who know about him to shy away from going out in certain places with him. He has a tendency to switch price tags every time we go shopping, and he gets a kick out of it because he always gets away with it. My grown kids have seen him, and they don't like to go with him anymore because of the habit he's picked up. Imagine standing in line, and some of the items are not scanning right because the price has been changed. The thing is, I know that the cashiers, and the store security suspect him but can't do anything without actually seeing him. I split from him as soon as I walk in the store because it is so disgusting. I wanted to take them aside and tell them so they could watch him but I don't want to be a part of his crooked scheme. There are so many things he does now that is so disgusting. The verbal abuse is something I don't think he will ever stop. I have left before for a few days, and he will be ok for a week tops butthen starts up again. I heard that the courts sometimes waives fees or allows you to pay them on a plan if you don't have income. I don't think it's fair for me to have to stay with him because I don't have any income. There has to be a way to get legal action started.

[pretzel]

If you want out, find a women's shelter. They are extremely well suited for these types of situations. They have a myriad of resources both legal and emotional that you can have access to.

If I may, it sounds like you were 14 or 15 when the two of you started the relationship (I say this because you said you are 51 and have been together 37 years) that is not only a long time, but you're age at that time unfortunately seems to say that there may be a feeling of "owning" on his part. I hope I'm wrong.

He's miserable, lazy and irritable. You're right in that since it's selective, it's intentional. That's not good for you. He's taking all his problems (that he's created btw) and is taking it out on you because he can. The other people he takes it out on is because no one holds him accountable.

[WildChild]

In most states you can file your own paper work. You don't own a house, there is no child custody or visitation to deal with, I'm guessing neither of you has a retirement plan or investments? It shouldn't be too complicated. Why not look into it? The courts may have assistance with filling out paper work for low income people (they won't give legal advice but will tell you what forms you need) The sooner you get started, the sooner you can reclaim and start rebuilding your life. I'm starting over. from nothing (but some debt) at 50+, in this economy a lot of people who thought they had it all lined up, lost it all a couple years ago or are losing it now as the process continues it's progression. You won't be alone starting over.

[mowaynat]

I need help desperatly

I want to thank everyone who has responded to me . It's hard for me after being with someone for so long but I know deep down in my heart that it will not get better. I am just going to grow older, and be in the same situation unless I make a move now. I am thankful for my beautiful children, and grandchildren, and altho I know children no matter how old they are never want to see their parents fall apart, my children will understand in the long run. They are grown, have families of their own and they know I am not happy with my current situation. I called yesterday to schedule an appointment with a counsler. I think it will help me to talk to a professional, and get counseling. If I am choosing to file for seperation I know it will be a tough battle on my heart, and I will have to move forward. The first step is always the hardest and I am a strong person deep inside. I keep thinking he will stop the charade, and talk to me but every day brings a new story. Today he came out of the bathroom asking my 7year old grand daughter if her mother was home yet. She said no, and he started opening up cabinets obviously looking for something. He started cussing under his breath, slamming doors so loud that the poor child became frightened and came by me. She wanted to know why he was slamming doors. All that because he didn't want to ask me for whatever it was he was looking for. A shame that he has to act so childish at his age. Funny thing is, he won't leave, well he did try to convince my son to come move in our place until he goes overseas in April, and he would stay in their apartment. My son said no because he didn't want to move his wife outof their place just to please his dad. The guy is a nut case.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Quit with the culture... that doesn't give him a right to be abusive...

You need to tell your son exactly the pain you are going through your son is going to follow his path otherwise, and he needs to understand the respect of people, therefore women, therefore you.

The culture is I AM man you shut up.

No you are woman, you deserve to be you and not to accept old fashioned carp.

CW

[mowaynat]

I need help

Chandler, you are right about the cultural thing. He wants to be in control of everything, and at one point when my babies were young he controlled everything. It's strange now looking back over the years at things he would do, and then I had no control because my main focus was my children, and making sure they had a family inviroment. Now that they are grown, it should be me and him enjoying our time together. That's what we always said we would do, grow old together. I wanted to grow old together as a couple enjoying each other's company not me in one room alone, and him in front of his laptop all day bickering at me or just calling me to bring him this or that. I can't even show that I'm bothered, or irritated because that ****es him off. If I'm in the middle of moping my kitchen floor and he calls me for something, he will get mad if I make a comment or get frustrated because I can't finish what I'm doing. He usually gets in his moods, and I can forget about sex until he is in the mood for it. He has gone for 2-3 months at times avoiding me and with holding sex, prehaps as his sick way of punishing me? I have learned to just stay away until he is ready. It's always about him. He says I know exactly what to do to turn him off. He doesn't realize that he is always a turn off himself, expecially when he degrades me. I called and made an appointment to speak with a counsler and I am planning to go over to the court house today and see if I can get the paperwork neccessary to file for seperation. I was told there are waivers I can get if I have no income. The worst case being I have to pay in payments until I pay off the fees. If I could just get a job, I will be fine. I am a certified caregiver so I am always looking for open positions. I just hope and pray something becomes available soon. Blessings to everyone who has responded, I am gratefull.