[Sarah001]

He sounds to me like a control freak, he controls the money and yet you say you work too, he belittles you to keep your self esteem low and that makes it simple to carry on controlling you because you don't have the confidence to do anything about it. It's bullying basically and it needs to stop. I would suggest trying marriage guidance counselling but to be honest I doubt he would go from what you've said so counselling for your low self esteem would be the next best option. If you can learn to think more of yourself it will make you less easily controlled and hurt but I agree with some of the other posters on here that it doesn't sound like a relationship that's worth staying in.

[kygirl]

First off, that is emotionally abusive and I think you both together and him individually need to seek counseling for those issues.

Also, if he is into fitness, do you think he might be using steroids or something of that sort that might affect his mood?

If all of that doesn't fix it, I think you should get out. This is not the type of situation for you and your child when he gets older to be in....

[WildChild]

I watched my ex start taking out his frustrations on our child as she grew. He'd punish her out of proportion to the offence, interpret her behaviour as malicious when really she was just being a toddler and punish her further, externalise his own fears of bullying on to her and then punish her for not telling him about the bullying she wasn't really suffering at school... and it was getting worse. That's the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I could take any amount of his abuse if he was a wonderful dad, but he wasn't.

The other thing he did in relation to our child was assign blame for our weakening relationship to my relationship with her - it seems to me he was jealous of her, resentful. That's a bad sign. If your husband is blaming the baby for your relationship woes (or some of them) you really need him to talk someone about that.

I don't agree with PJ that the only way to fix it is to leave him. If he will accept help you can get through this. Please remember that appeasing him is NOT helping him. It actually makes it worse because he will push it further and further. Standing up to him may or may not help him but it WILL help you. I wish you the best of luck, I hope it works out for you both.

Gee, I didn't know my kids dad had a twin

[PJhavinfunagain]

I did not mean leaving was the "ONLY" way to improve the situation.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Isuelda and PJ makes a good point.

How is he as a "father"? To his child....

I think more so, your husband has "possessions"... You are his obsession, the money is his obsession, it all belongs to him. If his posessions don't stack up, then he shoots a person down for it, whether it's money or looks, or weight, or his home clean, his TV broken..

As such he's cold, has no heart.

This obviously to me, stems from childhood. And, there is a problem, that he needs to fix.

It sounds as if you would bend over backwards to get it right, for him. What ever happened to you? For you?

It sounds like he didn't care about the clothes or make-up because he won, it meant that your heck bent on doing what he is requesting, for HIM...

Your not a possession.. Your an individual person... Gain a little independence, let him see how you can actually think for yourself and feel for yourself as well, that word Love doesn't mean you have to bend backwards to make everything right, for him, it should mean togetherness.

It's time to take more of a stand. If not, you'll find yourself digging yourself into this hole of "it's all about him", "it's all about proving your love", "it's all about looking good for him", etc etc and you'll lose your identity and find it very difficult if ever you did want to or have to walk.

It's normal for a woman to put on weight after a baby and it's normal to NOT rush to lose it all, rather bit, by bit, healthily over a period of time, at least 12 months in my books, unless your an Actress and in public figure and need the wow factor and starve yourself and feel weak.

And, your child does need a happy Mummy.. and if possible a happy Daddy, they learn to pick up on so much at a young age, which will effect them as they grow.

Don't think your baby can't FEEL.. Off course it can.. And, you need to smile more and giggle and push your love to your baby's direction at the moment, whilst you personally, re-gain you a little more..

What do you love about yourself? It's time to share that love with you and your baby.

CW

[purplelicious]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru that and I really don't have much advise, I been with my husband 23 years and my situation is different that yours but just like you I do not WANT to leave him. Keep working on your marriage, no matter what he says just know you are beatiful. once I was told by an older woman that We as WOMEN work harder at our relationship than men. So Good Luck I wish you the best

*******************

LOVE THE SKIN YOUR IN
BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE
NEVER ALLOW OTHERS TO
DOWNGRADE OR DISCRIMINATE,
DEMAND LOVE, RESPECT, AND ATTRACTION
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND
LOVE YOU FIRST

[Guest]

I have seen this time and again with many friends and family members. He may have problems but they can be fixed. I love him and don't want to leave him. Let me say that this is horrible, no matter what kind of relationship you are in, no matter what you look like you should feel safe and beautiful. The circle of violence, be it physical or verbal, starts at building up of stressors that lead to abuse, which than leave the abuser feeling guilty and apologizing for what they have done. This circle continues until some one leaves the relationship or the abuser gets the help they need. This circle is not the victims fault and showing your independence could lead him to abusing your child later in life. This is usually when people realize that the abuser has to get help, by then it is too late for the relationship. I would suggest that you and him get help. More than likely he will say he doesn't need help and you are the one with the problem. He will call you names to make himself feel better for the embarrassment of thinking he needs help with his relationship, but remember you are the victim. To make your home stable and safe for your child these are the steps that you must take. Tell him that as much as you love him and would do anything for him, you feel that his comments about your looks are degrading and hurtful. Tell him that, while you have not been nor claim you are an angel, you feel that you both would benefit from a professional's help. This is a hard passing you are about to emerge on, and getting the help he needs is the only way to make the relationship better.

I do so hope you and your husband get the help you need. Also remember not eating will only hurt your health. You must stay healthy for you and your child. Eat healthy and find out what a healthy weight for your body is.

[Guest]

Here is the Circle Of Violence I was talking about.

Tension Building

Things start to get tense in the relationship. You may feel like:

•You have to tip-toe around your boyfriend or girlfriend so you don’t make them mad.

• You can’t do anything right and that you’re getting blamed for things.
• The person you’re with is always trying to start arguments or fights with you.

Explosion

There is an outburst of abuse that can include physical, sexual, verbal and/or emotional abuse. The abuser may:

• Physically abuse you by hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, etc.

• Scream and yell in a way that scares or humiliates you.

• Rape or force you to go further sexually than you want to.

• Threaten to hurt you.


Honeymoon

During this stage, the abuser will try and make you forgive and forget whatever just happened in the Explosion phase. They might do this by:

• Saying “I love you.”

•Apologizing and promising that it will never happen again.

• Buying you flowers or other gifts.

•Saying that you did something to cause the abuse or blames the explosion on other things, like being drunk or stressed out

[purplelicious]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru that and I really don't have much advise, I been with my husband 23 years and my situation is different that yours but just like you I do not WANT to leave him. Keep working on your marriage, no matter what he says just know you are beatiful. once I was told by an older woman that We as WOMEN work harder at our relationship than men. So Good Luck I wish you the best

*******************

LOVE THE SKIN YOUR IN
BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE
NEVER ALLOW OTHERS TO
DOWNGRADE OR DISCRIMINATE,
DEMAND LOVE, RESPECT, AND ATTRACTION
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND
LOVE YOU FIRST

[hizenberg]

OH MAN that is realy terrible,sorry hunnie ,BUT WHAT A HE IS! no excuse to tell a woman ,who has just endured pregnancy and childbirth, horrible like that. post traumatic stress ok sure,but he needs to get help and not treat you like a peice of , no one is perfect,we all say and do things we dont mean too and i get you see somthing in him that makes you love him. He needs a reality check and you need to go see a counsellor or theripist, dont wait as the longer you take to get help the longer it will be untill you get some inner peace in my opinion.
start the healing first with repeating this mantra,i am beutiful and smart and noone will make me feel differently,
good luck and i hope your man realises the poisen he is spreading will oneday affect his son if he keeps it up,as he will treat women the same way he saw your husband treat you and think it is alright.
be strong.