[PBMama]

My husband had a job when we met and was always a hard worker. Highly motivated, lots of ambition, and always happy go lucky. However after some college courses I landed a really great job. So he sacrificed his "ok" job to stay home with my 2 kids so I would not have to miss any work and I could keep my new job. The job he had was about an hour ferry ride from where we live so if there was an emergency he wouldnt make it back quick enough.

Its now been close to 2 years and he just started back working again. A job I was able to get him with my boss from my second job doing odd jobs at his home. He has become very unmotivated, mopey, anti-social, and very lazy. Which is not like him at all. He even seems to be depressed. He does take care of my children and is a wonderful man. I have been starting to resent the situation because I feel like he should be doing more.

We have been struggling financially which is mostly my fault because I have the need to take in "strays" and we always get used up and spit out. However Im working overtime at my regular job and even got myself a PT job that requires a LOT. I just get so frustrated when I come home after a long shift...needing to do a few hours of office work for my PT job...and finding out that there is no plans for dinner and its almost 5pm. My oldest daughter does the dishes and the youngest one does trash and floors. He cleans the bathroom but thats about it as far as the house goes.

What can I do to get my husband back to the way he was? I think I spoiled him for to long and now he even feels like something is owed to him. Meanwhile I feel the same way. All my funds are going into bills and family yet his check I only see half of it for bills. Granted he has only had 2 small checks so far.

I just wish I know what to do to snap him out of it. We have been together for 4 years this May. He saw me through a divorce, painful custody battle of my 3 step children from that marriage, numerous health issues, and much more.

[p3375]

First, it isn't only hubby who needs to change. Sounds like what you two are doing isn't working, so it's time to re-eval everything from finances to distribution of duties between you two.
do a budget to see where your $ is actually going - you'll be surprised on how much can be spent on work clothes, lunches, transport to work etc.

talk w/ hubby - what's he thinkin about? goals?

start there and work on it
P

[Risch]

The natural instinct of men are to be the providers and the protectors. When a man can't/don't provide anymore (whatever the reason) they have lost their place in life. They need to feel needed, much more than us women. His depression might stem from a feeling of inadequecy.
Give him back his place as head of the house. Only you can do this, he cannot just take it back - that's our role: supporters & nurturers. Make him feel needed again. That YOU need him. Not with nagging. Not with orders. With your attitude towards him. He senses your frustration, and REacts on it. yes, by doing even less. Praise him for what he does do. Appreciate the smallest thing. (not condescending). Once he feels important to YOU again, his self image and self worth will increase.

[Ashlee T.]

So he is working also? What is his work schedule like? Is it possible he just really doesn't like the job?

It almost sounds like maybe he's been a bit emasculated. Not necessary by you personally, but by the situation as a whole. He stays home with the kids as a Mr.Mom which although is more common nowadays, still not near as common as mom staying home with kids while dad works. You've been the breadwinner, therefore he has lost the feeling Risch spoke of, the natural instinct of men to be providers etc.

Then he gets a job, a job that YOU got him...... and now he's slacked off on his other responsibilities. There's a very good chance he has lost his self worth as a man and as your husband.

Eventually, if not dealt with this will be devastating to your relationship. Sit down and talk with him. Try not to be the "boss", try not to control the conversation..... sit down and talk with him as his equal, as his wife.