[tooconfused4words]

My husband of nearly 22 years admitted to an emotional affair with a co-worker about 4 months ago. He says they were really only involved for a couple months, but he is the one who hired her into her current position in his office (where he is the boss) about a year ago after knowing her for 15 years prior to that. (I had no idea she existed until he hired her into his office.) So it seems unlikely his just began a few months ago.

This is at least the 4th emotional affair he has had during our marriage (although I know he cheated on me before we were married). The odd thing is he always picks the same type...short, fat, homely and uneducated. I am none of those things. I just don't get what he sees in them. He says that he doesn't "want" them, but keeps them around to bolster his ego...which, if true, still makes him a pig.

I have never cheated on him and he knows I won't, regardless of what he does. I won't stoop to changing who I am because he is morally void. But I do admit that he would be well served by getting a BIG dose of his own medicine.

Anyway, I do not think I can stay anymore. I have stayed in the past for our children, but if our children are not important enough to keep him from repeatedly behaving this way, I can no longer be responsible for this.

I guess my question is how many people out there have husbands who have repeated emotionals affairs, but have not (according to him) ever taken it to a physical level? (He and the latest little tart did take an overnight trip together, but he swears nothing happened besides having dinner and watching tv...would any of you actually believe that because I cannot honestly say that I do...)

I want out of this marriage...but I cannot get him to leave and I do not want to leave my children or disrupt their lives anymore than necessary. He needs to go, if only to give us both time to decided whether we really want to be together, but I think he is afraid that I will get away from him and like it and I think that terrifies him.

Any input anyone has would be helpful. If your husband who is emotionally connected to this other woman told you that he took an overnight trip with this woman but nothing happened, would you believe him???

[rcoreyus]

Why do you think he is doing this? An emotional affair is a different thing from a sexual one. He isn't after simple physical pleasure. What does he think is missing that makes him go outside of your marriage.

I'm not in any way blaming you - but I think it is important to understand what is going on before you decide what to do.

[Hopeless Dork]

The quality of the females he chooses to have emotional affairs with is pretty irrelevent. You wouldn't feel any less confused or hurt about it if they were uneducated bombshells, or brilliant and dumpy or neither of either.

Its more of an indicator of his self esteem, or lack of it. He needs his ego boosted and picks the easiest targets to do so, women with even LOWER self esteem.

I doubt he intentionally seeks remarkably unnatractive women, its more of a case that he likely targets them feeling like they'd be less likely to reject him. If his goal is an ego boost.. picking a woman that might just smash it is probably not part of the plan.

If he's not in counseling, he should be... whether or not you guys try to work it out. If he's done it before, and you were hurt by it and he stopped. He either doesn't care about you hurting or cares about his own ego more than any pain you may experience from his actions.

And that is a major problem. Outside of his emotional connections to these women... how is his emotional connection to you? Do you guys have a healthy sex life (as in one that satisfies both of you)? Are you both affectionate with each other? Do you still share your hopes and dreams, your joys and dissapointments with each other?

[tooconfused4words]

Well, he says he felt detached from the relationship. When asked why, he said he felt we were "growing apart". Ok. I get that. The problem is that we have never been the "attached at the hip" type of couple. And we did and still do the same things together we have always done...we enjoy sports and play on teams together; we enjoy outdoors and did things outside together even as he was nurturing the other relationship. We enjoy boating and do that every summer. (BTW, I have always worked to take interest in things he enjoys like motorcycles and he has rarely showed any interest in anything that I enjoy.) I think the "growing apart" thing is just an excuse, a cop out. A rationalization for doing something that he really has no good reason for doing. Which seems to indicate that he doesn't really know why he keeps doing the same thing over and over...and perhaps is at a loss for how to stop. That is a HUGE concern for me!

The other thing about this is that during all of this, I was going through some pretty serious stuff at work and had parted ways with my best female friend because of her affair with a mutual friend's husband. I really needed him to be there for me and instead of offering even minimal emotional support, he openly did not support me and instead took a girl friend on the side.

As for the "what is he missing?" thing. I also get that. Something was definitely missing for him, and perhaps always has been as he has done this sort of thing multiple times. Maybe he just isn't that into me. right? But that leads me to this question...why stay with me for so long? Why not just go with one of these little climbers? All of them have been no doubt looking to "better deal" their husbands (my husband is professionally very successful and does well financially...I can see where he would be an attractive choice for a woman who is unhappy in her marriage and looking for someone to rescue her.) Why not just do it? THey would no doubt be needy and clingy...and sometimes I think that he thinks that is what he wants. But I promise you he would be feeling the need to strangle a clingy woman in no time! But hey, if that is what he wants...more power to him. I cannot control what another person thinks they need.

Another thought...while he may have felt he was not getting what he needed out of our relationship, I can say with certainty that I wasn't getting what I needed either. And I could have handled it the way he did, but I didn't! Not getting what you need seems to me to be a two way street...and how you handle it shows your character, or lack thereof.

The sex question...we never stopped sleeping together. Even as he carried on this other relationship. Fulfilling sex...I can only truly speak for myself and I am satisfied. But him? Who really knows? Something is definitely wrong, right? I mean, men are hardwired to be innately sexual creatures...so who knows?

I agree, he needs counseling. I have told him this. He says he will go for me. I don't want him to go for me. He needs to go for himself. Because it seems to me he is not prepared to be in a relationship with not only me, but ANYONE at this juncture. He has some sorting out to do. I cannot help him with that. But I think we need to be apart while he figures this out. Because I cannot wait ten years to discover that he cannot stop doing this...or that he found someone else. I would rather get that over with now. At some point in time, emotional self-preservation has to kick in for me...I cannot live my life worrying about every unattractive, over weight woman that comes along. I just cannot.

THANK YOU for your feedback and any advice you can offer. I really do not know what do...but I know I cannot do this again!

[rcoreyus]

For what it is worth, I have taken trips with another woman, shared a room, and nothing physical has happened (yes my wife knows about it).

OTOH, that almost makes this situation worse. If it was simply sex, it would be easy to understand.

Can you talk to him? See if he can tell you what he is missing - and can you listen without getting upset (at least at the time). I feel like some part of the puzzle is missing here - and that it is important to have it make sense.

I guess my question is how many people out there have husbands who have repeated emotionals affairs, but have not (according to him) ever taken it to a physical level? (He and the latest little tart did take an overnight trip together, but he swears nothing happened besides having dinner and watching tv...would any of you actually believe that because I cannot honestly say that I do...)

[Guest]

Have a heart to heart talk with him and see if he should need a rehab sort of thing....