[jimmykef]

Hi all,

UK guy here that's come on looking for comments/moral support/advice etc!

Met my wife 5 years ago - all fabulous - both very similar - married April '09. Back in '07 she had an e-mail-thing with a guy she once knew and I found out before it went any further, which it definitely would've done.

Took me a long time to get through this but I did and all's been great. About 2 months ago she started late-night chatting on Facebook to a guy she fancied/knew years ago. The chat was quite explicit (helped by wine) and has bought back all of the intense hurt from 3 years ago.

She swears it was just flirting & that it would never have gone any further etc etc etc. Trying to move on yet again but finding it hard! Not even sure why I'm on here typing this!

Comments??

Bit more info - we have a comfortable lifestyle, both very busy at work, love 2-4 holidays a year, love weekends, have similar interests & outlooks, lovely home, no kids, tell eachother every day 'I love you'.

What more can I give?! The trust that took over 2 years to re-build has now been completely destroyed.

[Guest]

This is even worse than the "guy looks at porn and I don't like it thread" This is not typical female behaviour. Yes women are difficlut to understand and I learnt a long time ago to apply no logic to things sometimes, but this is out of order. Are you sure she's not paying lip service to the "I Love You" statement. I'd tell her it's got to stop or you'll start going to lap-dancing sessions as you enjoy them. best of luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Jimmy, welcome to the Forum.

Yeah, same, we can never understand men

You may be over-reacting, flirting is just flirting and it seems that she is interested in, having a glass of wine, and chatting on the net of an evening. I used to do that when I was "bored/ or un-wind from a stressful day "..

Seems you don't really have too much to struggle with and life is just breezing by, you mention interests so do you both have hobbies? What do you do every night, whilst home... could she be bored? Or trying to un-wind and can you maybe change those patterns of your evenings so that she doesn't feel the need to turn so much to a computer?

Just throwing thoughts out there.

Also, it seems that she was having an "emotional" affair and that she is again searching for that again, it may very well be she has no intentions of cheating on the physical level, but when people have any type of affair something is missing, although some will disagree with me.

Relationships take work, understanding, communication. Does she want a child? Do you both use the "love word" but not really actively show it really to each other, in and out of bed, go out, date, holidays are fantastic but, what about day to day living...

It's good that your analysing the whys.

CW

[jimmykef]

Hmmm, from just 2 replies my confidence in ladies is returning....!

Chandlers Wish - marry me.

;-)

[CHANDLERS WISH]

haha.

Yessum, well answer some of those questions and I bet you'll get more replies, cause then people can see a bigger picture

[JadedQueen]

You sound like you have a good relationship aside from the flirting/trust issue. Does your wife have low self esteem? Sometimes women with low self esteem needs to feel desirable to feel better about themselves. You said you tell each other that you love each other everyday.... but, do you tell your wife that she is beautiful or make her feel desired by you? Flirting doesn't always develop into cheating.... maybe it's just an ego boost?

[Futureboy]

My tips to improving a relationship

>Buy flowers randomly for no reason, even send them to her work (if this is acceptable)
>Look her in the eyes every now and again to tell her you love her, emphasising the meaning
>Play cards or games or share an interest every now and again at home after work, I have a friends who play 'PS/Wii Rock Star ' (vaguely ammusing as he's a lawer and she's a business consultant and this is such a non work thing)
>Work on your sex life, there's hundreds of threads on here
>Hold her hand in public, not in a persessive (not all the time)
>Work on the man belly that's probably developed in the last 5 years
>Keep her attension than she has less time for internet

My Questions
Are you together just 'cos its comfortable like old slippers?
When you hold hands do your palms touch?


PS A note of causion I am single and I will never understand women but I do love them

[WildChild]

What you are dealing with has nothing to do with "women" but rather with one woman, one you are married to.
There could be a lot of things going on here. I have a close gf who is in what appears to be a very loving relationship but recently she has started chatting with a guy she dated in HS. They have a school reunion coming up and will be seeing each other. I doubt very much anything inappropriate will happen. But I can see that her husband might be unhappy. No doubt if the situation where reversed she wouldn't like it. However she is open to husband about the communication.

The trust is the issue. Why do you believe that her earlier convos with a man would have gone further? What did you do about it? She is an adult and you aren't her parent. A committed relationship is a voluntary association, marriage or not. If someone is going to cheat there is a reason, all the monitoring and policing in the world won't correct it. It's a cop out on working on the relationship. THINK. Has she given you messages about what she needs that you may have not recieved? I've dealt with this. More than once I've sat down with a man and stated in no uncertain terms, this is really bothering me and it needs to change. There has been discussion on how to meet both's needs and then nothing has changed or its gotten worse. Then I've stated very plainly, if this doesn't change, I will leave. I've even put a deadline on it. IE: lose the gf, get employed, quit doping, you have 6 months to make progress on this. In 6 months I packed and he was shocked and furious. I've been through this more than once.

Not saying this is your situation exactly but something isn't right for her and somehow the two of you aren't communicating. Restriction, monitoring, demands or upset won't help. It could be that she just doesn't belong in a relationship, it could be you are making a mountain out of a molehill, it could be there are major issues in your relationship that aren't being dealt with. Knowing only a little slice of the situation from a short posting we really can't say here. All we can offer are some possiblities and options. The best thing I can suggest is talk with her, with her not to her. And actively LISTEN. Forget defending, forget thinking about what you are going to say, forget that you are upset and HEAR what she is really saying. Very few people seem to be able to do this. We all have challenges with it. We hear through our own filters instead of our ears.

[Hopeless Dork]

Actually, sadly to admit... I don't think its much different than guys looking at porn. Many guys while IN A RELATIONSHIP... still feel the desire to have sexual feelings stirred up or satisfied by other women... if they are not cheaters, they do it in the 'safe, no cheating way' of looking at porn. They get to have those extra needs of variety met , and its fair and okay because its 'only watching'.

For a lot of women... porn doesn't cut the mustard for stirring sexual feelings, for many, feeling wanted, desired, having someone tell them they are beautiful , sexy... etc...is what gets them stirried up. If they wanted to get those needs met in a 'safe, non cheating way' flirting online is about the only way to achieve that. Not saying its right, especially if it hurts the partner. But I feel the same way about porn too.

If a man wants sexual feelings, his need for 'visual stimulation' beyond what their partner does, he can do porn and call his wife crazy and controlling if she has a problem with it. If a woman wants sexual feelings, her need for 'emotional stimulation' beyond what their partner does... she can do nothing, even online... as any interaction is considered cheating.

I understand one thing involves looking and not touching (except themselves) and not talking... and the other involves conversation. But again, a lot of men and women have different needs in that department.

I can look at porn all day and it doesn't arouse me really, I get more turned on being the one getting attention, not giving it. To me i think flirting online would be an equalizer to have a safe, non cheating way of feeling that way, even superficially. I personally don't do that, because I don't think its right, deep down, I guess.

But in all honesty I see online flirting being the same but different than online porn. Ones emotional stimulation, One is visual stimulation. Neither involves either party actually physically cheating.

You tell her I love you everyday, but do you make her feel sexy? Do you tell her she's hot, do you notice her hair? Do you ever take her out and make her feel like she's the only woman in the room in your eyes? Not saying its your fault... but if you are one of those guys thats got all these celebrity crushes and have to tell your wife everytime you notice a fit chick, if she dresses up and you don't notice... its going to be more likely that she needs to hear that stuff from someone else than if you make her feel sexy and desired.

[BasketCase]

You sound like you have a good relationship aside from the flirting/trust issue. Does your wife have low self esteem? Sometimes women with low self esteem needs to feel desirable to feel better about themselves. You said you tell each other that you love each other everyday.... but, do you tell your wife that she is beautiful or make her feel desired by you? Flirting doesn't always develop into cheating.... maybe it's just an ego boost?

My thought exacly. Sometimes if you have been together for a while and your women feels board and her confidence is low it's possible that it was just an ego boost for her. Make sure you remind her every day how much you love her and how much she means to you. And try a few things to bring the spark back. E mail a naughty message to her while she's at work. Because it seems to me she's missing that intensity and desire and thrill that comes from a new relationship. But don't get me wrong. I am not excusing her behavior.