[fluffybride2b]

Hi,
I just needed a bit of a sounding board, I am so stressed out!!! My fiance and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, he is 26, and I am 24, and we are getting married in August. I love him more than anything and can't picture my life without him. Unfortunatly, I am back at a boiling point with him. It seems like at least once a year I get to this point. I think that he is addicted to porn, he will not admit it, and gets very defensive whenever I try to talk about it, even if the conversation is about us viewing it together. He views porn daily, and has even done it with me in the room in the past which is what started the last problem. The fact that we have not had sex in over a week is what brings me to this again. It seems like he doesn't care about my feelings, and is only concerned with himself. When I have tried to discuss it in the past, he has told me that if I am not satisfied, than I need to start viewing porn as well. I have no desire to do this, and I want to be with him, not a computer, to me there is a major difference. I try to spice things up all the time, he likes it, but it doesnt stop him from viewing the porn. He makes me feel so small, unwanted, and inadequate. I already have self esteem issues, and this kind of thing just brings me down further. I have told him in the past that it I don't mind if he views porn as long as it doesn't interfere with us, that fixes things for a while, then they are back to the same old. He trys to blame our schedule differences, and says that it is may fault because I get home late, yet he is still up every night when I get home, on the computer. I have asked him many times to see someone, but he doesn't think anything is wrong. I also forgot to mention that he is a sexomniac, and wakes me up multiple times a week. I am just so irratated with feeling like any time I want to have sex we can't and it is my fault why we can't, but yet he can wake me up whenever and get his way. Sorry if I sound a little nuts, I could just use a little advice on what to door even just knowing that someone is out there listening because I feel like I can't even talk to my firends about this; I am so tired of feeling worthless, and unwanted.

[WildChild]

Welcome to the club; porn, sexual selfishness, we've had a zillion threads on this.
Speaking as a woman who married knowing there were unresolved major issues that gave years of heartbreak before ending in divorrce all I can say is-
DO NOT marry him until and unless this is satisfactorily resolved.
Postpone the wedding. Don't worry about invitations having been sent, embarrassement or anything other than getting this resolved.
Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? It won't just get better once you are married. If he treats you this way now, after you sign on the dotted line, it's likely to get worse.
Let him know you are serious about having an equitable relationship, sexually and otherwise.

[Fallen1]

When I have tried to discuss it in the past, he has told me that if I am not satisfied, than I need to start viewing porn as well. I have no desire to do this, and I want to be with him, not a computer, to me there is a major difference.

Here is your answer right here. Pure selfishness and no desire to see that you are pleased.

I agree with WC, don't marry this man until this issue is resolved. If it can't be resolved then you must decide if this is the way you want to live your life with him.

And as WC mentioned in her post there are countless threads here on the same issue. Do a search and read some of them, you may find some helpful opinions from both the men and women here.

[rcoreyus]

If you haven't already, make it clear to him that the problem isn't the porn, the problem is that he is using porn instead of having sex with you - that he prefers pictures to a real woman that he says he loves. Maybe it will make it clear to him how far his problem has gone.

It sounds like he does have a serious problem - put off the marriage until it is settled.

[herbie]

its easy to see from the outside uhmmmm ....to be frank he really doesn,t care your not doing anything serious about it.....so he will continue on as long as you keep doing what your doing witch is nothing... talk is cheap ......Go to a family members house for two days don,t even tell him once he realizes your gone he will find you then tell him its porn or you...... his choice if he agrees and you catch him again your gone it really is that simple to me ....hope this helps ps. if he doesn,t agree see yah later

[Hopeless Dork]

I agree with the above... you don't want to marry this guy, not the way things are. It sounds like you enjoy sex and intimacy, that you are fun and adventurous and want to try new things and be close to the one you love and that is such a beautiful thing many men would feel blessed to have in their life. Unfortunately the one you love is more interseted in masturbating and PC monitors... and can't appreciate what he has in you. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling unsatisfied and inadequate when you don't deserve to?

There is nothing wrong with you, he's selfish, and from what you said... sounds like he has zero interest in making things better. Does he at least try to pleasure your body? From the sexomnia to the porn instead of sex thing, it sounds like his ailments are geared so that he gets his needs met when he wants them met ... and yours... well ... you "just go watch porn"... uh. Rediculous.

[SaharaJim]

This is really a disturbing situation. But let's take the "sex" out of it and ask: If he were letting anything else in the relationship cause this kind of grief- would you stand for it? Say he was drinking alcohol to excess and unwilling to treat you with any consideration; would you tolerate that? Or would you say: "Choose, booze or me?"
While I don't like condemning porn wholesale; this behavior is unacceptable in my book. IMHO this isn't about his relationship with you but with his relationship with porn that is destroying his life. The first step in recovery from alcohol addiction is admitting that it IS a problem. You say he denies that it is a problem- in my experience alcoholics deny that alcohol is a problem until it destroys everything they value in life. My advice is to stop "enabling" him. Until he sees it as a "problem" it will control his life.

[Maximus]

Instead of taking it upon yourself, let alone questioning the quality of what you are giving him,
you might consider returning the questions to him.

Most people, especially men, would use porn as a mean to deflect their attention from something important that they must look into. As they lack the courage, patience or whatever is required the pattern is to procrastinate. The form chosen is to watch porn.
You might learn a great deal together by engaging into discovering what is it he is running away from.

The form to bring is equally important, without fear of hurting, only through the love and the desire to grow together.

The "watching porn" is clearly an indication there are some unresolved issues about him, that he needs to look into.

As for the wedding, better postpone.

[jns]

From other threads, it seems like the recidivism rate of guys who spend their time looking at porn when there is a ready and willing partner right there with them and attempt to quit, is high. You may get a temporary change of behavior, but it probably won't last. Guys tend not to change. If you want something different, you need a different guy.

[samanthatallon]

i disagree slightly that you need a different guy, although the wedding should be put off until you can solve this matter. He is stuck in a selfish rut and needs to get out of it. Whats strange here is i am normally pro porn as a lot of guys get blasted for doing it on the sly once or twice a week and yet they are still having it with their women, but here is different he is pushing you to one side and its not fair. He needs to be told (pretty much like a child) that as a fiancee he is ignoring his commitments to you as a partner. He may simply be obsessed with it or like the others said, using it as a distraction.
You really need to talk about how your feeling as if he has any consideration for you whatsoever. I f he doesnt listen then you may want a trial seperation. If long term things improve then go bad, you know perhaps its not something you can solve, there is the counsellors route of course, as to why he is doing it all the time. But that would be the last idea i would have, if that didnt work then i would probably save the hassle and leave.

Best of luck to you and your partner.
sam x