[morgandy]

So here is my dilemma. and first off i'm not interested in hearing opinions on what happened, only what to do next.

I am the "other woman". I was friends with a male co worker for some time and after about 2 years i realized i had feelings for him. we are both married and we both have children.

we had been talking in a flirty way, which turned into a sexual way, which then turned into exchange of pictures etc.

eventually i told him of my feelings and it came out that he had feelings for me too. it came about that i decided i didnt want to be a woman he had an affair with. i wanted to really be with him and i didnt want to take it to that level. i felt it wouldnt be right. i wanted to be with him and i wanted us to leave our spouses and be together.

i soon realized he was all talk, he wanted me to meet with him and stay married. so at christmas i wrote him a letter stating we could no longer be friends and havent talked to him since

recently i found out he had told his wife a different story because she found out about us talking, that i had come on to him, that i was always turning it around to talk of sex. basically that it was all me and that he was just stressed out.

now that i know this i want to tell her, but should i? shes the victim here and he'll do it again, should i just let her discover on her own?

[LanaBear]

I would leave it alone... The damage has been done at the fault of both of you, no matter what you tell her, she more than likely will believe her husband because you then become the "wronged mistress".

Does your husband know? If he doesn't, you may consider telling him because she may retaliate and find a way to tell your husband the story that she knows.

[morgandy]

yes he knows everything we are in the process of getting a divorce

[LanaBear]

Well, I guess I still wouldn't say anything. I mean, what do you gain out of telling your side of the story to the wife of someone you had an affair with. Close that chapter of your life and move on to an entirely new one.

[morgandy]

yeah i would tend to agree with you. i guess some part of me thought it may save her some small part of heartache and surprise the next time. thanks for the advice. i really appreciate it

[LanaBear]

In theory, that's great... But he beat you to the punch, he's played the it was all your fault card. So IMO, anything you say at this point just makes you look like a fool in her eyes. He will be there, the one to tell her, "See babe, I told you she would say it was me too, that's why I came clean with you..." blah blah blah

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think saying anything to her would be for the benefit of her. I'm not saying her knowing wouldn't be to her benefit... I'm saying I don't think you telling her would.

You were okay with being with her husband and not telling her about it while you guys were actively seeing each other... now that things are over between you guys, whatever logic that kept you from telling her when you guys were having the affair should still apply.

You have to stop and ask yourself why you really want to tell her, and why now , now that its over? Is it hurt and frustration over the fact that he wouldn't leave her? And wanting to get some sort of emotional revenge? Is it to hurt her because she still gets to keep her husband?

He doesn't sound like much of a prize, at all.... but its likely she knows that. Women's intuition is crazy sick strong and generally only be clouded when a women chooses for it to be clouded. If he's told her about you guys somewhat, not the affair... but you hitting on him, etc... its obvious he's trying to cover some tracks -- does he already fear you telling her? Did things end on a bad note with you guys?

Either way my suggestion is to leave it alone... she has no reason to believe you over him, your motivations would always be questionable to her as she will not deem you trustworthy (either you were someone that was sleeping with her husband, or someone that was hitting on her husband (his story) ) either way... whichever angle she takes it from you are not someone she would be sure isn't out to hurt her.

So I'd suggest leaving it go, dealing with your own situation and letting him fix up / make more mess of his own marriage.

[morgandy]

thank you for your opinion hopeless

i wasn't really ok with him not telling her when we were seeing each other, and i'm not sure you could call it seeing per se. i never even kissed the man.

emotionally however, the line was obviously crossed. after thinking about it i suppose part of my motivation would be frustration and the other part sadness for her i guess.

i agree with what you've both said. i'm letting go of it. i'm sure she already knows what she's got and chooses not to acknowledge it.