[mollymandy5]

I have been married to my hubby now for 5 years,and i did as every one does think he was my soul mate,i knew he had his little issues like alot of men (selfishness) but he to my knowledge has never lied to me,hes always been truthful to the point of sometimes hurting my feelings ,but i liked it that way,he has always told me he shares my opinion on porn that is if you want to watch it that fine as long as your partner likes to watch it as well ,and that if you watch it on your own then your either single or not getting what you want out of the realationship and therfore shouldnt be in it.
Last month i found alot of porn films hidden in his work van and confronted him ,he told me he watched it while we were going through a bad patch and that he wasnt getting sex from me when he wanted it ,so he got the porn ,i asked him to move out for a few days and in that few days he bought himself a new laptop and tv and watched more porn and started up on date for sex sites,hes back home as i dont want to throw this marriage away but i dont know what to do ,he says he loves me and dosnt want to lose me but i really find it hard to understand that if he thought that that much of me then why would he be wanting to number one watch porn and number 2 just meet up with a new woman after 3 days of being apart from me and have sex?
He has said he needs help with talking to me and that he finds it hard telling me things ,so i suggested a bit of marriage guidance but we are not in a financial posistion to be able to do this,i feel as if i have lost the man i married and some cheating sex maniac has replaced him, i just dont understand it and im finding it hard live with.

[Hopeless Dork]

I understand getting hurt feelings about porn, trust me. But I do wonder if you are really taking into consideration his needs and feelings as well. It sounds like you didn't see anythign wrong with your sexual relationship when you found the porn... and are just mad that he was watching it.

He mentioned he watched it when you weren't having sex with him. Were you not having sex with him for a period of time? And if so... what would you expect him to do? I think its unfair to ask that your partner be celibate with no sexual feelings just because you don't to have sex with them.

I am not condemning you for not having sex with your husband... but generally I could see getting upset about porn/masturbation if you weren't getting the sex that you wanted... but if you are not interested in sex with your husband as much as he is.. I don't see why you would want to kick him out for trying find a safe way to get his needs met?

I think kicking him out for having some porn DVDs was a bit of an overreaction... especially if your sex life has been meeting your needs. It doesn't seem that he's neglecting you in favor of porn -- it sounded as if he'd prefer you, but turns to porn when you are not interested.

The dating websites and planning to meet other women is a whole other batch of ick that you will have to look at and treat seperately. Although in your situation its hard to know if that was what he truly wanted or if he was just reacting to having been kicked out of his home for having some porn DVDs.

You should try to have an open communication with him... and thats not going to happen unless you are willing to compromise and be non-judgemental in what he has to say.

Would you have more sex with him if thats what he wanted? If not... is it fair for you to ask him to live without sexual feelings if you go through phases where you don't want/have sexual feelings?

I agree with you that its selfish, but only if they are being satisfied to their hearts desire and still indulge. Or if they have a partner that needs/wants them sexually and they reject intimacy in favor it. To me those are all selfish. But if they WANT sex with their partner but their partner doesn't want it... If they aren't getting sex with their signifant other.. I don't think turning to porn is as much selfish as a way to try to keep a balance without causing more problems in the relationship by begging for sex all the time, only to get rejected.

But him going out and trying to meet someone online... thats going to be a harder thing to get over. It sounds like you guys have so much talking to. Probably some resentment, some misunderstandings... to sort out and some real honest diaglogue about what you each need to feel satisfied, healthy, happy and wanted in this relationship

[rcoreyus]

Just want to second everything Hopeless Dork said - I agree with all that she posted.

[stressed]

On the other hand, looking for sex partners online as soon as there's a serious problem in your marriage does not show maturity. Yes, he obviously seems to be fed up with their sex life but we need to know:

1) How long this had been going on
2) Why on earth would he want to cheat so easily? If he's not happy with her he might as well say so, not hide behind lies. He obviously hasn't been honest with her and him saying what he did about those who watch porn could have been a lie, or just what she wanted to hear. I've heard the same story before and he had been watching porn anyway.
3) Why can't they communicate as a couple

I need more info before I put most of the blame on the OP...

[rcoreyus]

This may be a case of both sides escalating. Going through a bad patch is unfortunate. Watching porn during a bad patch when your spouse won't sleep with you is bad. Asking your spouse to move out is a serious step. Looking for online dating sites is even more serious.

This sounds a bit like both sides are more interested in "winning" than in fixing the relationship.

Of course I (we) can't really know everything that is going on. "Bad patch" can mean a lot of things. There are lots of things happening that aren't described here. I'm just suggesting that both of you need to make a serious effort to fix this or it will just get worse. Don't worry about who was right or wrong - try to go back to being the loving couple you were before .

[Myself]

mollymandy5, recently found myself in the EXACT same situation with my husband. This has been very hard for me to deal with. We have had several long, calm talks about his behavior. He promises to never do anything like this again, but I find myself constantly searching his computer, phone, etc for evidence that he is still cheating. I have not found anything wrong since I confronted him and he said that he would stop. However, I find myself wondering if he has just gotten better at hiding his behavior. This is obviously going to take some time for me to get over and for him to prove that I should trust him again. Good luck with your situation, and know that you arent alone.