[Fallen1]

I feel like such a baby ....... he's been gone 5 days and I am still very upset over this. I'm really exactly not sure when he's coming back. He stated Friday as when he was coming back but also mentioned at one point the night before he left that he had planned on originally staying until Sunday. I'm not going to ask ..... I guess I'll know when he tells me he's on his way.

WC, BD and HD you're all right about using this as an opportunity. This type of situation has happened multiple times and each time it does I get hurt even more because of the fact that I've told him I feel left out.

I've got to get the communication going on both of our parts before I start getting resentful. I am very afraid of that happening.

[jns]

He definitely should have given you more input on the trip, especially if you were going to go along.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know from a woman whom's only been in a relationship with someone for 6 months, and in that, a child, 12yr old girl who he adores, I know what it's like to 1) have to sacrafice and 2) feel let down and 3) play second.

BUT I also know that he has difficulty in telling me, out of the blue, "oh, I've got .... on Friday" as it's school holidays, when Fridays are ours, and he kind of leaves it till the last minute.

It's hard for a man, I think to juggle.. He loves his woman to death and he loves his children to death, and he's happy in his life, but knowing that he needs to do what he did before we entered their life, and can't change that, can be hard for us to comprehend, especially when they leave it till the last minute to tell us.

He mentioned it before. That was his "Fear" , "ice break" phew, I've said it. Then with the non communication, he just blah, blurted can you take this and that day off? And your reaction was normal, WT? No...

All I can say is their children is their world, as your children are your world your son's birthday... And, communication and comprise has to occur.

It's hard.. It's only new... And, everyone is trying to fit in...

But, I just want to say this to you.. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you equally, it's what he was used to and he's finding it hard to bring these things up when the time comes, as there's no communication there.. I'm still doing my ghaaa and then sitting back and thinking on it and realising I went into this relationship, knowing that there was a child and compromise and I accepted that and it's not all that bad. After all I know he loves me and shows it, when she's not around.

I think if we take it personally, then it manifests and as each day goes by it gets worse...

Let him know that you understand. Let him know that you both have to actually talk about these things in advance, plan them, whether you can go or not. And, let him know that you know he loves you and you him.. And, that you understand it's all new in a way, so fear steps in on communicating what each other still needs of the past, that is now in the present and off course the future...

It's the non talking that causes all of this, nothing more, nothing less.

[rcoreyus]

Is there any chance it wasn't intentional - the he thought he had told you the dates? Also, as CW has suggested, he may be having a very tough time juggling priorities.

[WildChild]

A calender that you sit down with together and mark known, important dates might be a starting place. Things like B-days and anniversaries, the "I always get together with this old bunch of college freinds in July" kind of things, all marked clearly for the coming year, can give you a starting point for planning?

[herbie]

maybe i should reread this but you said he did mention it earlier in the year either one of you could have brought it up again to each other it sounds like he kind of continued on planning it is at his brothers with his kids and you 3 weeks sounds like alot of notice and other then you getting mad you could and would have gone with them.I think you should take a step back and cut him a little slack here im sure he was quite excited you were included in the plans maybe you could sit back and have enjoyed a trip he planned what would be so bad about that ?Unless you have to control everything i don,t see anything wrong with what he did....PS i didn,t understand your son thing you couldn,t bring him ?

[Fallen1]

maybe i should reread this but you said he did mention it earlier in the year either one of you could have brought it up again to each other it sounds like he kind of continued on planning it is at his brothers with his kids and you 3 weeks sounds like alot of notice and other then you getting mad you could and would have gone with them.I think you should take a step back and cut him a little slack here im sure he was quite excited you were included in the plans maybe you could sit back and have enjoyed a trip he planned what would be so bad about that ?Unless you have to control everything i don,t see anything wrong with what he did....PS i didn,t understand your son thing you couldn,t bring him ?

No, my son is 26 years old and married.

I'm sorry but I'm not understanding where your comment about me having to be in control is coming from. This has nothing to do with who is or isn't in control. This has nothing to do with control at all. It has to do with communication and being included. A marriage should be 50/50, both parties making decisions together and considering the other when making these decisions. The fact that he made plans without even asking for my thoughts or input is/was the problem. When making his plans he never considered the fact that I may not be able to take off work etc. He made his plans THEN he asked if I would be able to go.

I don't know about you but I don't think there are many people that are keen on the idea of their S/O acting as though he/she is single when making any kind of plans and has no one else but himself or herself to consider.

I will however say that you are correct that it could have been brought up again by either one of us after he first mentioned it at the beginning of the year.

We have both apologized to each other and expressed our desire to make sure we communicate in the future.

[Maximus]

Conflict of Loyalty

I think the issue is more a conflict of loyalty.
Men that have to deal with a wife/gf at home, and a child from a previous relationship often find themselves having to fit two lives in one.

It's a place that can be very very uncomfortable, and sometimes they think mentioning it once, was enough for the organization and the planning to take place, assuming you listened, and wrote the date down and made the necessary changes on your side. I am not saying this is right or wrong, not the point here, but to describe how the man's mind works.

The most efficient way to deal with this conflict of loyalty, and planning aspects is to have the dates written down in your respective agenda, at the same time, and agree on the changes, if there are any, that all parties need to make on their plans.
And make sure the point is discussed a week or two prior just to make sure you are still aligned.

Good luck.
V.

[LanaBear]

So... Hubby should be back now.

How goes it?

[Fallen1]

So... Hubby should be back now.

How goes it?

He and his kids were at home waiting on me when I got off work Friday. I think he told me he loved me and missed me 500 times ....... and I did the same.

It has been a very nice visit with his children. They have been behaving quite well. It has however been a challenge of my patience going behind them and keeping the place straight. I guess I shouldn't expect much out of a 13 and 15 year old.

I asked him first thing what his plans were for this coming weekend - when he is to take them home. I don't want any surprises.