[smpmang]

Hi i am 25 and so is my fiance. we have been together for a year and a half and are to be married in october. she is my bestfriend my lover my other half. we have a great relationship aside from the sex. she is severely bi-polar but with meds we have it under control. in the beginning we had sex regularly then for a couple months i couldnt get a hard on and she critisized me for it. she stopped and i got it back. then she didnt really want sex any more but it wasnt horrible. we bought a house in december and from december until now we have had sex about 12 times. she says that if i do something to upset her in any way sex is out of the question. she also tells me she is horny all the time and if all circumstances were right we would have sex everyday, our sex is amazing. it has never been just to get eachother off its always passionate love making. also she said im the first person to ever make her have an orgasm. i dont bother her about it anymore because that didnt work before it would just make sex happen that much less. the longest i have gone was 3 months without. the thing that really gets me is she masturbates 2 times a day when im at work and sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and masturbates right next to me! what should i do. i really need some advise for at times it hurts me soo mentally ive thought about killing myself. i would never do it but thats how crazy it makes me.

[WildChild]

No sex for 3 months
thinking of killing yourself
she gets herself off several times a day but tells you no deal
She critisizes you for your physical/sex problem when she has huge problems herself
If you upset her in any way she withholds sex

Like a lot of drama and pain in your life?
Sounds like that's what you've signed up for.
Re-read what you wrote. If your best freind told you something like this, what would you tell him?

[SaharaJim]

Listen to WC....seriously dude....DTMFA!

[jns]

October is only a little bit away. Have a serious talk with her about how you would like things to change. Don't threaten her. Complain about her being controlling. Give her time to change. If change doesn't occur, stop the engagement and call the wedding off. Then look for a new gf.

[XxBrOkeNxX]

That is definitely a little crazy, if you dont even sit down to talk with her about the sex issue, you should talk to her about the things she says to you... i have been in my relationship off and on for 7 years... Finally we talked about what our problems were with one another and decided if it was worth the change... it was and we have been happily together this time around for 4yrs... but October is closer then you think and you should definitely take care of things before you get married. Push back the wedding some if things arent right...

[tooconfused4words]

She sounds a little egocentric...ok...A LOT egocentric. I know other bipolars and they also tend to be very self-absorbed. Perhaps something to do with that illness???

Anyway, life with this situation is going to be tough. Are you sure about this??? You have choices. (Killing yourself is NOT one of them!) Perhaps you should explore your options?

[sungoddesschelsy]

IMO withholding sex is not healthy for either party nor the relationship itself. If it were me I'd take the wedding completely out of the picture and work on the relationship another year... what will it hurt? Plus it doesn't sound like her own illness is undercontrol yet, I've learned the hard way that if you aren't happy within yourself you can't find it in another person.

[Allie602]

I am guessing she has manic - depression disorder, and she may not be taking her meds or she is not adequately medicated. Sounds like she in the manic phase of the illness which is associated with hyper-sexuality, irritability, grandiose ideation. (I am a researcher in a healthcare field thats how I know). If she were adequately medicated, she would not do these things. I would have her see her psychiatrist to have her meds adjusted or make sure she is taking them.

At this point she is your fiance, you have a house, and you love her but when you think of a future with her, do you see yourself surviving? What do you think will happen in the future when children are in the picture? Is she capable of caring adequately for children or is she too unstable. Getting out of an engagement and selling a house may be a small cost if the future looks bleak.

I think you are a wonderful caring man to stick with her through this. But, I believe you need to think things out carefully. With you'er caring nature, it may be difficult to do this but you may want to consider a long engagement and work on boundaries and requirements for proceeding with the future so you both have a stable long-term relationship. I think the engagement period carries a high level of commitment but it is also a period to reflect on whether you should proceed to marriage.

Just food for thought. Should you marry her given the effect she has on you? Her illness makes her behave the way she does but can she commit to getting and staying in treatment so that she is stable? Can she understand the effect she has on you and that you need her to show her love for you by getting herself together and working to stay that way? If she cannot commit to taking the responsibility to keep herself stable then you will have to decide if you can stay in a relationship with someone who does not care enough about the effect her illness has on you.

Her illness is treatable it takes careful attention to remain in treatment, taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist. The illness usually gets better as the person gets older but without treatment life with an untreated person with serious bi-polar illness is extremely difficult. Leaving a person who has an illness may seem like abandonment but if she does not commit to keeping herself stable for your sake she is actually giving up on making you happy.

[Fabulous Forty]

I agree with Allie, you really need to step back and look at this situation. What future do you want for yourself and your future children? Can your fiance provide this, or help you work toward that future with the behavior and emotions she is experiencing? One of my close friends is bipolar, and I can definitely tell when she stops taking her meds or the doctors try out new ones. She has 3 boys, struggles to keep relationships, and generally has struggled to find her way in life. She can be a great friend and mother, but it takes a lot of work, therapy, and constant assessment of her medication. You are a great guy for sticking with her, but make this important decision about marriage looking at all of the possibilities for your future and if that is sustainable. Good luck!