[melissa_rbts]

Hello, I'm new here and need some advice.

It all starts with this OTC pill I'm used to taking for my painful cramps (which I absolutely hate) during my period. See, my husband is a programmer — almost became a doctor before he dropped out after years of med school. So he knows his pharmaceuticals and ailments. He married me after a 3 year relationship and have been married to him for 4 years and 3 months now. We almost never have had arguments and always talk things out. We don't have any issues or anything and the sex life is great. We have respect for each other and all that in out relationship. I must say I am completely happy and contented with Everything about us.
Anyway the thing is he has a vendetta against this pill I'm using because of its side effects and things... so he made me promise that I wouldn't use it anymore and took me to a doctor and got me some other medicine prescribed. But maybe because I'm so used to this pill since I was a teenager and the new med didn't work like my OTC pill.

So 3 periods ago I had the worst cramps of my life and I had to take my pill again and I didn't stop taking it. Today when I was in our room with the box my husband walked in and he kinda caught me. He started lecturing me and it soon turned into an argument because I was already close to the surface with all the cramps and pain. Then tried to snatch the pills out of my hand and we struggled for a moment until out of the blue he slapped me so hard that I was paralyzed with shock for a few seconds. Then he took the pills and flushed them down the toilet and walked out of the room.
After that I just sat down on the edge of the bed and cried like a baby. After a while he brought me a glass of water and apologized and hugged me and said it would never happen again and that he was just mad and he didn't mean to do it. And I believe him.
The thing is I just can't help feeling sorry. I know I shouldn't be sorry but it hurt emotionally much more than it hurt physically. It's not like I don't trust him or he doesn't love me but how can I stop what I feel right? I'm not worried about this anymore but I can't stop thinking about it either.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

almost became a doctor

Anyway the thing is he has a vendetta against this pill I'm using because of its side effects and things...

Welcome to the Forum

So he was almost a Doctor heard bad things about this product you have kept taking them he 's ditched them and hit you.

Ok, firstly, I appreciate he apologised, but there is NO excuse for hitting a woman... NONE... I don't care that he cried, he is taking his knowledge applying it, but he hit you... as if to say, did you not hear me?

You have a right to make your own mistakes in life regardless what he does as a living....

He can not control you, flush them down the toilet and hit you... and "apologize" as if he did no wrong?

He way did wrong...

It's his thoughts on a product you have your own, hitting is controlling, throwing down the toilet is controlling what you have seen as why you can't stop thinking about it is CONTROL...

People say sorry to further CONTROL..

People always say NEVER AGAIN..

You say, I am finding what's right for me, never raise a hand at me again, don't fool me, you have a problem with control and anger...get help...

Why should you feel sorry for something you didn't do? He hurt you emotionally and physcially ABUSE...

[rhiannon34]

I would demand he get counseling at least. If he has one oops, he can easily have another. I agree with CW, all these behaviors seem controlling to me as well. I can't imagine any drug having such horrific side effects that just the knowledge of someone taking it would make anyone flip out like that, crack or herione, mabye. I have been in that situation before, with a man who had never hit me and after 3 years he did. I said, get counseling or I'm leaving. He didn't, and I left. And I don't regret it for a second. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself.

[sallyskellington]

I come from a very different perspective on men hitting women and I know most don't agree with me. My husband and I get into many fist fights and he hits me back and I understand why. Now in your situation I would give him the benefit of the doubt that it will not happen again. He is worried about you.. And it sounds like that is why it boiled over into physical. I think yes he should seek some sort of anger management but I think maybe you should also compromise and at least LOOK for a different medication whether it be pharmaceutical or holistic and maybe have you both look together till you find the right one together. I will not tell you to stay if he does it again, at that point get your stuff and go. Again this is all my opinion and advice but follow your gut instinct it's usually the way to go..

[rcoreyus]

There is never a reason to hit the person you love in anger. A one time offense, immediately regretted I might forgive, but nothing more.

I can see where this came from - he wanted to be a doctor and failed. That would certainly leave him with feelings of inadequacy. It is important to him that people, especially you, believe his medical advice - he spent years of his life on this. In addition he feels he is protecting you from the bad "side effects". I understand all this and sympathize with him but HE IS WRONG!

A marriage needs to be between equals - he can advise all he wants. He can refuse to cooperate: for instance he could refuse to buy the drugs for you but insist that you do it yourself, but he can not ORDER you.

It is his view of the marriage as unequal that worries me the most - he wants to treat you has his ward or child not his wife.

I think you have every right to leave. If you do want to continue the marriage, you and he really need to go to some counseling.

As a side note - have you read the details on this drug? Usually the manufacturer has information for doctors on the website and that includes side effects (these are usually described in pretty clear english). Please do read (if you haven't already) and see just how bad the side effects are. If it is over the counter, I suspect it isn't too terrible, but there are exceptions.

[rhiannon34]

I would give him the benefit of the doubt that it will not happen again. He is worried about you.. And it sounds like that is why it boiled over into physical.

How does this even come close to making sense? He is worried about you, thats why he hit you. So if you are worried about a loved one getting hurt, you hurt them??

[Hopeless Dork]

There are men that have it in them to hit the woman they love and men that don't. Your husband has just shown to you which kind of man he is. Unfortunately there is a high probability that this will not only happen again, but will escalate from slaps to more serious and potentially fatale bodily injury.

Its not the pills. Its control. He told you not to do something and you did it. His reaction was to physically punish you. like 'There, she needs to know not to disobey me'. If he was concerned for side effects, concerned for your 'well-being'... physically hurting you seems to be very counter-productive.

He cried, he appologies, he might go out and buy you something nice now... if it he wants to be any more cliche. Pay attention to how he appologises, you will get a deeper perspective. Many times those appologies are back-handed and blaming of the victim. You should have listened to me, I wish you didn't drive me to that... type stuff.

I'm terribly sorry for you because its obvious you love this man, and it will probably take more than this for you to pack up and go.. unfortuantely. I hope he doesn't put you through any more physical pain, emotional abuse, or fear for your safety.

He's the man that is supposed to love you not punish you. You are a grown up and you made a choice and he could have voiced dissapointment without abusing you. Him taking it there is a scary glimpse into what may happen in the future.

He might not ever do it again, he might truly be sorry... only time will tell. But in my experience, if a man hits you once... and you stay - it usually happens again.

[SaharaJim]

I have a very ridgid and uncompromising view. Take it for what it is worth. NO MAN who is truely a MAN hits a woman. She is not as strong, has no experience fighting and cannot fight back. It is the act of a COWARD. It is further evidence of his cowardice when he lies and pretends that he is sorry...he is only sorry that you were not "cowed" into obedience. And he will use the threat of violence to control you..if you are not sufficiently afraid for yourself...he will direct it toward others that you do fear for...like children. Domestic violence escalates. It gets WORSE never better. Get some counseling yourself...as for him..I have seen anger control work for men who are truely motivated..but don't trust untreated promises. Understand that DV is cyclic and WILL repeat. Break the cycle for yourself if not him.

[Ashlee T.]

Melissa, Please read the following:

Christina had the "perfect" relationship. Or at least what was visible outwardly seemed perfect. A loving doting husband who thought she hung the moon. But at times, though she told no one, he seemed a bit controlling over some things, especially things involving her. She laughed those things off, and thought "wow, he's really anal..." or "he must have ocd!". But she loved him. She loved him to death. One day he called her as she was on her way home from work. After they got off the phone she remembered they needed cat litter so she stopped at the store to grab a bag. When she got home, 10 minutes later than normal, he was angrily waiting. He slapped her so hard she saw stars. Then he cried, he apologized, and said "I was just SO worried about you, I thought you'd been in an accident, and I was so angry that you made me worry like that, I was SO worried!!!" She forgave him, she felt bad....this was her fault.

When you read this....what are your feelings toward Christina and what are your feelings toward her husband? Do you believe him? Do you think he hit her because he was worried?"

Christina learned her lesson. From now on she'd always call if she had to stop anywhere on the way home. And she did. She conformed to everything he wanted. Time passed....2 or 3 years and he never laid another hand on her. Until this one day. She did "something" wrong. Something you and I wouldn't even think twice about. So he waited for her to get home and blind sided her with a smack to the face as she entered her home. She fell...but this time she didn't cry,...she became angry, she talked back to him, she stood up for herself. He killed her that day with his bare hands. He beat her until she was gone.

No one, NO ONE wants to think that could happen to them. No one wants to believe THEIR love is capable of something so horrible. She didn't. She loved him. But I saw this, first hand as I sat as juror on this case. Trust me, I spared you hours and hours of horrific detail that no person should ever have to witness. I watched her family see crime scene photos for the first time, and I watched their hearts shatter. Had she taken a step back the first time, when the red flags were waving even before he hit her the first time..... she'd still be here with her children and her family today.

My point is not to scare you. I don't consider that a reasonable tactic in reaching someone. My point is to tell you to step back. You don't have to admit it to anyone but yourself right now, but really step back and think about things. Think about this relationship, have there been red flags you've ignored, that you've blamed on something else? I must ask you, how you could trust someone that hit you? I have a feeling that life with him is just not near as peachy as you made it sound. Either way, you are a person, a human being. You have rights, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. If you truly aren't scared of this man, if you truly love yourself....then you will require that he go to anger management classes. Please...please don't be one of those women that says "If this ever happens again I'm leaving!" Don't love him to death like Christina did.

[melissa_rbts]

My point is not to scare you. I don't consider that a reasonable tactic in reaching someone. My point is to tell you to step back. You don't have to admit it to anyone but yourself right now, but really step back and think about things. Think about this relationship, have there been red flags you've ignored, that you've blamed on something else? I must ask you, how you could trust someone that hit you? I have a feeling that life with him is just not near as peachy as you made it sound. Either way, you are a person, a human being. You have rights, and you deserve to feel good about yourself. If you truly aren't scared of this man, if you truly love yourself....then you will require that he go to anger management classes. Please...please don't be one of those women that says "If this ever happens again I'm leaving!" Don't love him to death like Christina did.

Okay so I "step back" and think. When I do that I realize that him, and his slapping me don't add up. I've been with him for more than 7 years now and I've known him for more than 9. As for the red flags, Never in our past has anything like this happened to him. It's just not like him to do something like this. And when he apologized it wasn't like the "back-handed" way hopeless dork described. He admitted what he did was wrong to me and he only tried "to snap me out of it" and just lost control.