[evergreenstella]

Stuck and Fedup..
Im stuck in a dead end marriage that's going nowhere.
I'm sure he's getting what he needs and all is fine.
There is no communication of any kind.
No discussions even about necessary stuff.
If I start a topic to discuss he gets impatient and angry.
In the worst of times a get a screamed Shut Up!!
He buys me off with gifts.
As long as he gets 10 hrs of sleep, 3 hamburger meals,
some porn and sex, his life is just Fine. Also the word he
uses to describe everything. One fine is yes, 2 fines mean
no. No other words are used. No friends, no hobbies any
more, no social events, only eating out, quickly with no
talk. Hes decent, hard working, doesnt fool around but
lacking in any social graces, manners, or conversation.
No kissing or dancing. Nothing but hamburgers, fries, mashed and
corn. Boring Boring. Wont change. Wont make any effort at all.
I recently (2 yrs) discovered I am bi-polar. I am self aware, have taken classes,
counseling, and some minor meds. I get zero emotional
support. Nothing. If he ignores me I guess he thinks Ill go away.
We go round and round. He needs me around to be a
servant. He is sucking all the joy out
of my life. I used to have a job, friends, hobbies, a social
life, even my own website. No more. We have been
best friends all our married life now I wont say anything
anymore..I will be ignored. I am at my wits end.???

[Hopeless Dork]

I watched a movie recently, where a woman was with a husband very similiar to the one you describe. My heart broke for her the entire movie, all she wanted was to feel like she mattered, for him to pay attention to her and he was SUCH a douchebag robot... he'd zap the smile right off her face in 2 seconds flat if she ever found a reason to have one. Exsisting, not loving, being talked down to being made to feel so insignificant -- its not what you signed up for hun.

You deserve a man that loves you and warms your insides ... you deserve to love yourself without having someone rip you apart for trying to better yourself or your relationship with them.

You have probably been with him long enough to see whether or not there is the most tiniest of a glimmer of hope that he will ever be the kind of person you need. People don't change much. He would likely do well with a wife that had no feelings, was as a shell that cooked, cleaned, spread her legs at the appropriate time and thats about it. (Good luck with him finding someone like that ... that will stay happy that way).

Start making a life for yourself... start going to those social events , visiting those friends... don't lose yourself to this and end up numb, the fact you are here hurting shows there is a spark in you that knows you want more, deserve more out of life... life is so short stella, and so so so long... to spend it miserably.

[jns]

As long as he gets 10 hrs of sleep, 3 hamburger meals,
some porn and sex, his life is just Fine.

Karen, 10 hours of sleep makes me think he is mildly depressed. Has he been to a doctor? Has he been to a psychologist to find out if your former depression caused a change in his personality, too? Are you taking medications to the degree prescribed by the doctor?

What does he do for work?

[WildChild]

Why aren't you working, doing things with friends, getting out on your own? Just because he spreads misery is no reason to accept delivery. I know it can be hard but you can emotionally separate yourself and find your own joy. Yo ucan't really leave with out employment so why not start there ?

[Allie602]

How are you stuck? Who or what is sticking you? You gave up your friends and interest by whose direction? The question is are you fed up enough to reclaim what you so willingly gave up. It's up to you to act. Do you fear your husband or fear his reactions to changes in you.

His reaction to you picking up your life and interest may be to think that he may be losing control of the wife he has taken for granted for so many years. Go ahead and shake things up, live and let things fall where they may.

[sourpuss]

Sounds to me like he's depressed. My ex, of 6 years, was the same. I finally had the same realization you did and one day just went out and took my life back. You have to have friends, hobbies, interests.....or you'll end up just like him.

If your marriage is important, you could suggest counseling but to be honest, people only change if they want to, and even then it rarely happens.

[Ashlee T.]

Some of us *ME!!!* require more sleep than others. If I get 8 a night on work nights that's just survival. On weekends when I can sleep as I wish, 10 hours is about what I need to feel my best. And I'm not depressed.

I think he's complacent, lazy, selfish. And at one point in your life, I think you were moderately fine with that because you wanted "security", but you've grown past that and you want more for yourself.

You should have more for yourself. Life is short. You are unhappy and if he is not willing to make a genuine effort (i.e. counseling) then I'd go about my merry way. In the meantime, get out and start doing things on your own. Do not sit around miserable.

[teenie]

Beautiful Disaster, i agree, i need 9 and a half to be normal, any less and i'm yawning all day and tired.
Actually by the snapping he seems like he is upset about her with something or needing some space but quite possibly depressed since he seems to be distancing himself. Her pushing onto him will aggravate him. I know because i was once depressed and the same. Very very agitated. He isn't mad at you, he is just mad...in general. I suggest counseling and giving him some space. I know for me the more you talk the more annoyed i'll be. It takes 2 to tango, maybe jsut stpen back and show him tiny acts of love and then slowly approach in a very calm manner "are you not happy with me? What would you like me to do?" Or.....maybe, and i could definitely be wrong, but some people who cheat are mad at themselves and take it out on their spouse. Not trying to put ideas in your head, but it might be why. Approach him very casually and quietly about what he wants. Just ask what he wants to make him happy because you love him and want him happy- who knows you might get logic from the man. Or ask how he feels. He might not be into emotional speak, then tell him the cards, lay out what you need and if he won't give it to you you're leaving to live again. Plain and simple.