[KMonte85]

counselling is expensive, but you could look into reduced or free counselling resources - they are out there! Or you have to decide if your relationship might be worth the cost, cut corners somewhere else so you can work on your relationship - because as it stands, this isn't healthy for you or your SO.

I'm sure your SO isn't stupid, if you ask him whats up and then conveniently show up where he's planning on meeting for lunch, he is going to know right away what you were up to given your past together. You're not going to prove anything that hasn't already been put out there - you snoop, he keeps secrets. So your plan to catch him in the lie will be counter-productive and you're not going to come out of it smelling like roses.

Do what you think is best, but I truly believe that the future of your relationship rests on how you two can overcome your issues and not keep in the same cycle of snoop/lie/snoop/lie/snoop/lie over and over again. You're getting nowhere putting your energy in this situation - focus on making the relationship better!

[torn2pieces]

I believe and understand a lot of what you are saying. I need to look in to counseling and I need to make it a priority. The part of me that says I'll just find out and then leave is the weak side, I am tierd of this fight. I have met some of his female friends from work and it wasn't a negative reaction, some of them I am still friends with even though he don't work with them anymore. I understand what everyone is saying about snooping is wrong, how else do I know what he is up to? Just sit back and get played? I don't know, this is all emotional talk, I don't have my emotions together and I am just exremely upset. I am on here and trying not to react to quick so I react in the right way. We have talked about him being open and more respectful with friendships and me being more understanding, I feel I have been more understanding (like I said I have been friends with some of these girls), but maybe he feels I haven't and that is why he is sneaking around. The thing is he hasn't "agreed" to some of the stuff I would like him to - it's been a while but since the last time we talked he still don't see anything wrong with bringing that girl to our house and he still feels he don't have to have major boundries when communicating with other females. It's been a while but the last time I asked him he said "I don't stick my D*&^ in them and I don't put my tounge down their throat". That is not the boundries I expect him to have, it should be a little more detailed. This has been going on for 3 years, I think he just chilled out of awhile. Its just human nature to do some of the stuff we do, no one can change us, and this may be his nature. We are not married yet, but want to be and talk about it, but I do not want this behavior if we are marrried.

[WildChild]

The point is that if you can't trust him and can only maintain the relationship by constantly monitoring, what do you really have? Is this how you want to live?

[torn2pieces]

No it's not. Maybe I shouldn't be in this relationship. I know it's not the best approach but I want to catch him in this lie and then I will have a clean leave, a previous post mentioned I won't come out smelling like roses, okay, I get that but I can go on with my life without this chaos.

[Hopeless Dork]

Honey the way someone acts when they have been committed to you for a couple of years is EXACTLY the same way they are going to act when they are married. And not putting his penis in someone or his tongue down their throat are expected bounderies in any committed relationship... and leaves a lot to the imagination for what he'd find being acceptable with those 2 things being the only thing he can promise he isn't doing.

It sounds like he wants a relationship, a solid foundation... but he doesn't want to grow up, he wants to stay out late and hang out with female friends and buddies like a single man... and thats a sacrafice a person has to make when they want a solid foundation, that guys nights out are a treat and not the norm, every other night and all weekend long type events and from what i remember you guys have children which makes his behavior all the more immature.

He doesn't want to lose you but he doesn't want to grow up either, and spending your entire life monitoring him waiting for him to cross the point of no return is no way to live. He's doing things that make you feel bad, that you don't have to snoop to recognize, and he refuses to address those things or take your feelings into consideration on the matter of bounderies. You are acting out in the only way you can, you can't seem to get him to stop going out, you don't want to give up on him if he's not cheating... but you have a feeling his behavior is making cheating more likely than if he was more settled. So instead you just monitor, wait for some concrete evidence so that you could walk away.

But you can't be happy and raise your family and plan on marriage while constantly in a tizzy over waiting for the other shoe to drop. He isn't doing a good job at making you feel safe and secure and you aren't doing a good job at giving him trust and space. But I can understand why you are doing what you do, but at the same time I know that doing that won't get you any closer to happiness.

Suppose you never find a thing, and he continues to stay out all night and bring strange women into your house at 5 am , etc... you don't want your kids waking up to that junk and neither should he. So I think you need to deal with whats real and stop chasing ghosts because whats really happening is bothering you enough to make you paranoid and bothering him enough to keep secrets and make the situation even worse.

[torn2pieces]

Your words are very true. He feels if we trust each other then that is all we need. Our issue needs to be communicated, and I feel the only way to do it is through third-pary/counselor. I would like to focus on these things now instead wait until we are engaged and then our focus of planning our marriage is clearing up this issue. Any advice on how to bring this back up to him, I have to figure out the right way and some how lay it all out on the table, nothing left out.

[torn2pieces]

In his defense I will say the late nights are not so anymore at all. The last time he went out was for fantasy football and was home by midnight or so, and there was no problem between each other.

[Ashlee T.]

I think when you're dating someone and they have some girlfriends you know about that's one thing. If they're truly girl friends then you'll meet them in social settings etc. But when you're guy is continuously meeting "new" girl "friends" to hang out with NOT including you......... yeah, you better believe I'd have a problem with it.

He's disrespecting you, and then almost dangling it in front of your face like "Looky what I'm doing!! I DARE you to snoop!!" because he knows if you snoop, he'll revert the problem to you snooping, not to his unacceptable behavior.

You're gut instinct is screaming at you. He KNOWS you snoop, he's no fool. And if he doesn't want you to find out, he'll do whatever he needs to do to keep you from finding out. But in your mind you're doing the "well, if I catch him one more time emailing these girls", then you catch him one more time, then "well if I catch him WITH this girl, I'm leaving", then you catch him with the girl, then it's "if I catch him physically in the act with this girl, I'm OUT OF HERE!", and so on and so on and so on. This is a vicious cycle.

As long as you're snooping, that just means you're doubting yourself. And you're depending on him to provide you validation in a way you have decided is suitable. You want to CATCH him and nothing less is enough. But he's giving you ALL kinds of validation.......he's disrespecting you, being insensitive, not introducing you to his "friends", staying out all hours of the night, falling asleep in a parking lot, etc. But you need to physically catch him? Why? You already know....do you not?

[Mes T]

Once you've started snooping on someone, and distrusting someone, to SUCH a degree as you have, it's very hard to stop. With THAT person. Perhaps this situation has spiraled so out of control that the best solution would be to part ways and find someone else...? Drastic, I know, but...

[sourpuss]

Your words are very true. He feels if we trust each other then that is all we need. Our issue needs to be communicated, and I feel the only way to do it is through third-pary/counselor. I would like to focus on these things now instead wait until we are engaged and then our focus of planning our marriage is clearing up this issue. Any advice on how to bring this back up to him, I have to figure out the right way and some how lay it all out on the table, nothing left out.

Do not, I repeat DO NOT marry this man until this problem is well in the past.
If it were me, I'd make an appointment with a counselor and tell him that the two of you really need to go. If he won't go with you, go by yourself.