[esposa]

I met my husband in 2008. He is Hindu and I am not. He is originally from the East Coast but has been living in the SF Bay Area for the last 10 years. From 1998 to 2004 he had a long term relationship and his ex did not get along with his family so he had minimal contact with them. In the Bay Area my husband had no relatives until his female cousin and her husband moved here from India in 2000. Because they are first cousins the family pressed them to develop a relationship even though they had never seen each other before (she was raised in India, he was raised in the U.S.).

When we first started dating in 2008 he wanted to introduce me to her so he planned a dinner for the four of us. He had shared with me how he felt sorry for his cousin because her husband was a nice guy but clueless about women; his cousin's husband did not buy her flowers, compliment her on her looks or cooking, did not say flowery things to her. My husband said that he felt obligated to provide that for her and he does; he overly fawns over her every move, her clothing, her hair, her cooking, etc... At first I didn't know what to say, I might of even felt a little sorry for her until I finally met her.

At our first meeting I sat right next to her and she ignored me throughout the entire dinner! She did not look at me or direct any conversation or questions to me. I tried to engage her but she would give me very dismissing short answers and go back to focusing on my husband. I was really disappointed because I am huge on female bonding and did not make any connection with her try as I did.

I decided to giver her another chance; maybe she was nervous, maybe she was not aware. Well, it has now been 2.5 years and whenever I see her she goes out of her way to ignore me and exclude me from conversation. She only looks at my husband and addresses him in conversation. She does not seek me out and try to bond with me as two women usually do. She has even made the following statement to my husband in front of my face, "Cousin do you remember when we went to Yosemite and had so much fun? Do you remember when we went to Lake Tahoe and how special it was?" Not once did she add, "Gee, too bad you weren't able to be there too." She gets a kick out of excluding me and making me feel like the odd girl out.

I have tried to tell my husband how much it hurts me and he continues to partake in her exclusion of me. He is oblivious to the fact that when they are talking it is as if no one else was in the room but the two of them. He thinks I'm making it up and that I am blowing things out of proportion. Now he is accusing me of trying to control his relationship with her because I have shared how much I hate her and never want to see her again and how I do not want her over our house.

I am tired of a) her rude exclusionary behavior and b) of my husband overly doting on her and behaving like her surrogate husband when we are in her presence. I am sick of it and do not know what else to do?

Why does she treat me this way? Why does he go along with it?

I have tried to tell him nicely, I have yelled at him, and now I am unsure what the next step should be. Please I would appreciate any advice you could give.

[WildChild]

How does he treat you otherwise. Does he buy you flowers, compliment you on your cooking or appearance? Does he whisper sweet nothings in your ear?

[Ashlee T.]

It's a frustrating situation I understand........but have you thought about addressing this with the woman directly in a nice way? I would want to put her to the mat, face to face, so that she has to give YOU a response.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he felt sorry for his cousin because her husband was a nice guy but clueless about women; his cousin's husband did not buy her flowers, compliment her on her looks or cooking, did not say flowery things to her. My husband said that he felt obligated to provide that for her and he does;

Remind him of that statement and gently explain to him that he's doing that to you now, so he's clueless himself on emotions and how it's making you feel...

I'm with WC, how does he actually treat you? Seems a bit odd to me that he's heck bent on standing by her, and she ignores you, yet he's there for her and she only communicates with him....


CW

[orchiddreams]

Give a man food and he will eat for a day, teach him how to farm and he will eat for life.

If I were you, I would tell him to have a talk with her husband about how women should be treated as opposed to meddling in their relationship. By doting on her, he is just giving him food. By having a talk with him he will teach him to farm. If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to the husband about it, then he shouldn't feel comfortable fulfilling the duties of her husband where he falls short. Where do you draw the line? ....if you catch my drift.

I might mention to him that If he is not doing those things for you, he needs to know that it is affecting his own relationship and maybe he needs to re-evaluate his "expertise".