[CHANDLERS WISH]

At first my husband and I were very close like best friends and we had a great relationship still do except for when it comes to his child. Again as I said the step child and I are very close but he alwys has to be number 1 for thats what he has always been taught he has always been alowed to be the adult and make al the decisions. My husband and I made huge progress with the child the last year but now my husband has decided I pick on the child becasue I am consistent he thinks that he can teach by picking and choosing when it matters to get on the child.

\\
It seems to me that he was grooming you when he met, a woman whom is financial, has had children who were once 12, that are socially skilled, with manners and respect, perfect wife, 6 months later he married you...

Seems that the wife was initially ok as well with this, but now they are all against it...

I wonder if, perhaps they are "jealous", don't want you to succeed in other words as it will make them out to be what they are, with bad parenting.. So they are rebelling, thinking of themselves instead of their child?

You say you get on well with your step son, other than he has to be number 1, so why not rebel yourself? Use that, if he wants to be number 1, teach him things that he can be skilled at and tell him that he will be the "king of manners" as an example, tell him he's intelligent and why waste that, let's show everyone how intelligent you are, and start with something he loves.... If he listens to you, nothing they can say or do will change that and they will have to give, let go a bit and accept....

If your husband was happy with a custody battle, and now isn't, I'd say he doesn't want to be shown up as to why he's changed his mind, he's seen you starting to bond with his son.

CW

[respectstepmoms]

I have asked this question to him and myself that they done see how he can respect me and what I say and wants to impress me he always parades onme but always puts his parents down and I dont like this but I have exxplained to my husband if you dont demand respect you wont get it. I do believe you can be friends with your kids but there is a fine line between friendship and parenting. I have a zero tolerance when it comes to school, respect, manners, and lying. Im not asking no more from him than I would of my own but as I told my husband this is personal now for I love your son and I have to treat him as my own even though I know im not the blood parent I want him to respect his parents but I cant make them see what they are doing to hurt this child. If I do something or say something to him my husband will call me out or example last week we had teacher conference he is about to get taken out of honors math, before I met him he made F's in math and we worked so hard and I spent much time to help him understand the concept of it and now this year he is in honors which they are very strict. So I mentioned in the meeting I had told the son if he got marks in school and continued to misbehave I would go to school with him and treat him as though he was a 6 year old if he didnt want me too all he had to do is act 12 and follow the rules. Well his mom stated that was terrible to scare him like that. He is 12 afterall not 2

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Okay, well I have a 12 year old step daughter, I do install some rules of my house, she lives with me, two to three days a week, however, as far as disapline goes, that is her Father's job, I am here to be a "friend", a step mum who says "love you" kissing her good night and her replying same, in fact she came out and hugged me good bye yesterday as she was in the shower when I was trying to leave for work... I do talk to her about stuff, but I am aware at 12? Her mum and dad had 12 years with her, I after all have been aruond 10 months, it's not my job, whether I like it or not, but I will speak to my other half if Ifeel something is needed...

So, I do get that his parents would not like you telling their son, if he misbehaved in school you would go to the school with him and treat him as a 6 year old.. That is not en-couraging at all, in my opinion, I would not have liked you to have done that to my child, sorry...

I think you have to be proud that he got honors off course, but I think from your last post, it sounds as if, you are trying to take over the parenting from both of them, to make him a better person which is fine, but you have to find a way to "work with them", not "against them" on this, as per my previous post, maybe not "jealousy" rather, " possessivenss, being it's their child"....

What you are doing is working for the child, as long as he respects and most importantly LOVES you... I would concentrate on working the relationship, as it sounds as if your whole focus is on changing this boy for the better, where shouldn't that be 50/50 of your efforts?

IDK, I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I just feel that yes you do have to treat him as your own now, but they also will treat him as their own, there is conflict there, I feel that you should keep guiding him but you can't get mad, or angry if they decide their son will do something in different, it's tough but you entered a relationship with a child, that has two mums... and that's the way it goes.

You can only do your best...

They can only do their best...

It sounds like without you, he wouldn't be progressing as he is, just be his friend, and keep helping him but in my opinion, you have to realise somehow that there are three parents and all have a say...

And, it's okay, your doing your best to help him and you are obviously, but if you get on well with your husband other than that, then you have to focus and concentrate as well on your relationship...

Otherwise, it will be arguement after arguement over the child and there will be no relationship as you've pointed out, you have one foot out the door.

[respectstepmoms]

Your right completely. Its like it has turned into a competition. My point is they wont discipline or do anything they just go with the flow I get they may be used to it but its killing him and for that I dont understand. They say they know what they need to do but just arent ready, I say what are you waiting on. Parenting isnt you wait til there 18 and then decide them to give rules and expectations. I have tried everything talking, anger, begging, crying, threatening, leaving I dont know what else to do. But no I cant be ok and sit around and let the ex wife and a 12 year old run our life its just not in me or the way I was raised. I love them both and again its not the child its the adults. I went from like a partner to a enemy. I dont understand. Maybe I am making myself as unclear with him as on here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Maybe, he's scared of losing his son?

Maybe, he feels and she feels, that letting him do what he wants, seeing as they are divorced, he won't pick one over the other and maybe your a fear to both of them, that he'll pick you?

This is indeed hard, why not take my suggestion just for a few months, be his mate, help him, concentrate on your relationship instead, and then see if you can bring it back into some form of swing? Use reverse physcology, if he sees you've quite crying, threatening to leave, talking, begging, being angry and just are you, both smiling happy and in a relationship that works and his son is "ok" where he then sees the changes and realises, maybe it may work better?

An old saying we can't save everyone, or the world, we can only try.

[respectstepmoms]

I have tried that and thats what I wish i could do but how do I get myself emotionalyy unattached. To me I feel so disrespected and at a sense of being used. He want me to love encourage be involved do all he wants emotionally physically and financially for him and the child but without opinion or views I feel. It doesnt matter what it is if we talk and try to come to a decision together he always goes against me if its not his view when it comes to his son and we go to court soon to get the child most of the time with the view we can give him what he needs Big word We! But im only to matter when he chooses and says its his son. I value all the reply but I dont know how to get where he wants me to be now. we use to be very affectionate and loving and about us alot but his son didnt stand for it so now we dont even have that I talked and begged many times when I seen we was losing everything we were built on he said trust him and I knew when you take away what is natural its very hard to get it back.

[sourpuss]

I completely understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend has a 6 year old who has never been disciplined in her life. I can see how it affects her too. He waits on her hand and foot, never expects her to be respectful and polite, etc. As a result she has no self confidence. What does she have to be proud of when she's never proven to herself that she can do things and be good and follow rules?
I tried going down the road that there had to be discipline on the days she was with us, but that only created resentment from her and the dad. (and why wouldn't it?) So the approach I've taken is that when ever I am doing something and she's there, I make her help out. I don't suggest to him to tell her to help, I just tell her what to do. (in a fun way of course) Like telling her I need help cooking or putting something away. It completely changes who she is. She'll go from a snotty, back talking kid who bosses us around and is grumpy to smiling and talking about how big of a help she was.

Can you chip away at this kid with things like that? Like working on his homework, or walking over to the park to play catch or practice a sport he's in? Something that just you two and you don't let him win or brag about how great he is, but something where you make him work for praise in a way. Maybe you can make a deal with him that if he doesn't get in trouble in school for 3 weeks that you'll take him to a baseball game, just the two of you. If you're consistent in supporting his good behavior, eventually he'll feel a sense of security and confidence with you that he doesn't have with his parents. Likewise, if you're always disciplining, you'll be associated with the one who's always coming down on him negatively. (even though it's not negative but he won't get that until he's in his 30s....if he ever gets it)

[sourpuss]

A friend of mine summed up being a step parent perfectly. He said 'It's the worst, most thankless job you can do. You're always the scapegoat when anything goes wrong and you never get credit when anything goes right.'

Unfortunately, I think he's spot on.

[respectstepmoms]

Thank you that does make total sense I do treat him greatwhen his dads not around even when his dad is but not as involved kids are smart and they know who they can get by with what from. He is very aware he gets no discipline from them but he is exactly like your step daughter. I just cant get lazy parenting and that how I see it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Take the parenting out of it...

You keep mentioning you feel like your being used, intimacy has gone, hard to get back, finances....

Are you paying for everything and him nothing?