[Halle]

I wish someone could tell this girl how inappropriate it is to carry on this way with older, married men. I have been keeping this from my friends and family because I wasn't sure what their reactions would be. I thought that if this was really nothing that it might get blown out of proportion.

I ended up talking with my brother who is around my age, and he didn't have much advice. I thought it would help getting a guy's opinion. Thank goodness for this blog, though! Yesterday, I ended up talking about the whole thing with a girlfriend and she was totally supportive, saying she would feel the same, and had the same problem with a boyfriend a few years ago. Is my husband just clueless and doesn't understand the boundaries in a marriage, or what? I have a feeling that if it were the other way around, he might feel the same.

I know that when we're out together and I see some guy I know and talk for a minute, he gets all inquisitive later.

[Halle]

PS - he does work graveyard shifts.

I don't think he has low self-esteem or anything like that. He's a pretty positive, outgoing guy. Plus, we tell eachother how wonderful the other is almost all the time, it's ridiculous.

I wonder if maybe he thinks something is missing, though, and he's not getting it from our marriage. Hmmm, it's something worth thinking about.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Halle, I always trust my gut feeling....

You have a great relationship in one way, communication but in that, could he take avantage of your laid back approach?

In my opinion, you need to state to him there are boundries, I am not in-secure you know that, but reverse this... I'm sorry but chat away at work, leave facebook and coffee alone.. I'm your wife an if I was chatting away and having coffee with a 20 year old guy I know you wouldn't like it...

I'm asking you to leave this at work end of story...

For the record, tempation is easy... So, I don't want you to end up without me in your life ... and don't say you can avoid temptation, you know your on a good thing but ex-batchelors can still, want the past... I'm not going there nor are you...

CW

[stressed]

He's attracted to her and enjoys playing the e-role of a supportive friend to a young girl. Perhaps he should start thinking about having a child instead, and use his energy on his family, instead of hanging out with teenagers.

Don't let this go on. Ask him to remove her from Facebook, stop the texts and leave it at work. It's your right to ask for respect. Otherwise, I bet you my right hand, it will get worse. This is never 100% innocent.

Also, don't blame the girl, it's he who knows better and is responsible for anything that happens. Anything that has happened up until now is because he allowed it to, the girl has no power or is even in a position to make him do something he doesn't want to. If you're going to be mad at someone it has to be him. He better end it soon and grow up.

[Halle]

My husband and I talked about it last night. He was pretty defensive, saying that I was "p***ing" him off, and thought I was being jealous. He asked why I was so threatened by her. I expained how I felt and that I wasn't jealous. I wanted him to realize how inappropriate this is, and that there are boundaries in a marriage.

It took him awhile before he told me that he understood what I was saying. He said that he would stop doing these things "if it bothers me that much." Apparently he's going to stop going to her work when she's there. I told my husband that I wasn't trying to control who he could see and talk to, but just trying to make him understand the boundaries. I feel a lot better getting it all off my chest and hearing him say that he understood what I was saying.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I guess I don't get his first reaction, seeing as you've stated you two have an open line of communication...

I hope that he means what he says and isn't pacifying the situation..

But, wasn't there more to it than just attending her work? Such as coffees, facebook?

Is he going to lighten up there too or continue with that..

Therefore, is it 50% understood....

CW

[Halle]

You're right, I wasn't 100% sure if he understood, given that he was just mad and couldn't understsand why I felt the way I did.

You are also right that meeting for coffee and Facebooking weren't the only things. Back when I found our phone bill, he said that he would stop texting her. However, it seemed that he resorted to hanging out at her work and continued to send messages back and forth on Facebook. My husband has always said to me that he has nothing to hide, and that I can look at his Facebook messages or texts whenever I wanted. So I did look at his Facebook messages, and although I never saw any flirtatious messages, I noticed that he was the one to instigate them and tell her how he looked forward to their next conversation.

When he didn't acknowledge my feelings or understand my position at first, I said that perhaps we should go together and talk to a professional. He didn't respond to that, but instead said that there was nothing more to discuss, and started getting mad. He thought I just wanted to argue, which I wasn't. I simply expressed my feelings about the whole thing and tried to get him to understand how inappropriate his actions were.

Do you think I should still be concerned, and that we should see a professional? He tells me that he has everything he needs in me, and that he wouldn't have asked me to marry him if I wasn't everything he wanted.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I guess we can't over analize this....

It does seem that he agreed to not phone / text and replaced it with hanging out at her work, and changed the method to facebook.

Now he has agreed, to not hang out at her work, so will she hang out at his? Meaning he's pacifying you..

He initiated it, he went often to her work, had coffee, talked on facebook, texted... he's married...

Yes, there should be trust in a relationship for sure, but once in a blue moon, conversing is fine, on-going, daily, weekly, I'd be worried as well it has nothing to do with jealousy it's called respect for one...

The only way I would allow this is a chat on facebook, here and there, full stop.

However, I have to ask you ,1) how old is he/you 2) do you have children and 3) has he always had close female friends...


CW

[Halle]

My husband is 31 and I'm 26 years old. We don't have any children yet, but are thinking about trying in the next year. When he and I started dating, he told me about female friends that he had made in the past. There was one time where he and a female friend ended up "hooking up," and it ruined their friendship. He doesn't chat or meet with female friends because he knows it's not right when you're in a relationship/married, and if they ever were to hang out, he would include me. Plus, he said in the back of every guy's mind is the thought of having sex with the girl.

I would love to just let the whole thing go, and not over-analyze, but when he says one thing and does another, it makes me uneasy.

[KMonte85]

I'm not sure I agree with his statement that all guys have sex in the back of their mind when in a friendship with a woman. Granted, I'm not a guy, but I believe that men have more self control than to imagine themselves doing every woman they become acquainted with.... perhaps your husband thinks differently, and in that case, he should definitely NOT be forging relationships with women - that's just playing with fire.

But in general, I think men and women can be friends, even if they are married or in relationships. However, that only goes so far as you making sure your sig other is comfortable with it. And being sneaky, and omitting information is obviously not the way to accomplish that! If he really didn't have anything to hide, then why simply omit his coffee breaks with her? Why not have you come along so you can get to know her as well? His isolating you from her is a cause for concern.

I think your discussion with each other was a way to start, but this is by far not over. He shut down the conversation, and as CW said was just passifying you to stop any further talking about the issue. It is NOT resolved. I don't see how speaking with a professional could hurt, and it may help you two communicate better.