[madlydancing]

I have known my husband for 30 years. Over the last year, he has been on the computer almost every day watching porn. Is this normal? I'm no prude, and I feel that if anything I want sex more than he does. Most nights he says he is too tired and sex keeps him up.

[rcoreyus]

If your sex life was OK, I wouldn't worry too much about the porn. If he is watching porn rather than having sex with you (and that is what it sounds like), then I think he does have a problem. Maybe you can approach him that way. Suggest that rather than watching porn, he can have sex with you instead - make it clear that he really is choosing between a real woman and pictures.

BTW there are a LOT of discussions about this problem on this site, and you will get a lot of different opinions. You might search on this and see all the threads that have already been posted.

[Halle]

Your husband is choosing porn and sleep over having sex with you? I wouldn't be happy either. This is definitely something worth talking about together. Make sure he understands how you feel about him watching porn, and how it feels when you want to have sex but he "wants to sleep" and you know that he's spent his day pleasing himself. If you're up for it, offer to try something new. Guys have a million excuses for watching porn, but when it affects your sex life that much, it's a concern.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

madly dancing you say the past year are you sure?

Generally watching porn equal masterbation equal cumming quickly equals, not wanting sex.

Has your sex drive hightened? Are you asking for alot more? Does he maybe feel like it's a chore to please you enough for him to cum?

You need to add more to this...

CW

[stressed]

What changed over the last year? He can't have found porn all of the sudden, something must be driving him to it.

Has your sex life been fine for 29 years?

Is it possible that he's been watching porn daily all along but you only found out now?

But, to answer, no it's not normal/healthy that he watches porn daily but turns down sex. Sex should always be first choice or at least some kind of sexual activity that involves both. Start by solving your sex life first and then see how much porn is to blame.

[madlydancing]

I appreciate all the comments. This is the first time I have ever written in a forum. I came to a women's forum to get a idea on what is healthy/normal when it comes to porn and relationships.

As Chandlers Wish noted, yes there is more to this story. Sex has never been a high priority for my husband. I take that back, when we where in our twenties it was hot. He has always preferred oral sex. Other things that seem to me as red flags are: not wanting to kiss me, wanting to do it in the back, and constantly mentioning anal sex. So hmmmmmmm, maybe I'm not his type. So I asked him gently if he was gay and he went off the wall. He seems to be on the homophobic side as far as I see.

But the hardest part of this all is getting the truth out of him. He is not willing to communicate on an intimate level. He has also accused me as a sex addict. And yes - I have cheated in the past, because I was not getting sex and was the last on his list.

Watching Sports, coaching sports, remodeling the house and kids were first. I used to blame myself, i.e., not pretty enough, not thin enough, ect ect ect - I think you get the picture. But the truth is that I am attractive and work out regularly and consider myself in good shape.

I am totally rambling here......I'm going to be 50 this year and I am saying to myself WTF! I just don't know what is normal in a relationship or not. But I will take the advise of the kind folks who have recommended that I surf through this form on this subject. Thanks to all!

Madlydancing

[rcoreyus]

Watching porn rather than having sex with your SO isn't healthy.

All varieties of sex (within reason) are fine and healthy - but not all people enjoy the same things. Wanting anal sex isn't gay,and isn't unusual - but it also isn't something that all people enjoy.

Talking is very difficult, but I think you need to try to sit down and figure out what each of you wants out of your sex life. Maybe you will find that you want completely different things, but you might find that your interests aren't that far apart.

[Guest]

Is watching porn everyday, normal? NO, it's not. Especially if he hasn't done it for the thirty years you've known him.

How is your communication with your husband? Seems to me that would be the place to start. Turn off the computer, leave the TV off and have a conversation.

Does he have any idea how much his porn watching bothers you? He may not have a clue or is so hooked on the porn that he doesn't care.

So talk with, not to, him.

Like any "buzz" (the word addiction is so over used), porn can be a tough one to break and will take time to do so.

[madlydancing]

Hi Seeker_Advice
Thanks for your reply. In my heart I know that what my husband is doing is not "normal" at least to me. The nagging issue is what I can accept and what is not acceptable in a relationship. I totally agree whith you about having a conversation. Unfortunely we are unable to talk about intimate issues. I have had emtional affairs with men, because I was not getting that emtional piece in my marriage.

I wonder if there is such a thing called partners for life. We all change as we get older. For me, I yearn for the emotional and sexual intimacy two people in love should have. It must exist, that is why there are beautiful love songs, poetry, movies and books that tell the stories of this gift called love. I would greatly appreciate thoughts on this subject

[MaidenMinx]

If you've never been able to talk intimately maybe some councelling would help? Or you could just be upfront and simply say "i need more sex. Either you'll give it to me or I'll get it elsewhere" Harsh ultimatum but it sounds like it has gotten to harsh ultimatum time.

I personally am in the opposite boat. I have little to no sex drive and can contentedly go months without it. My partner on the other hand has much healthier appetite and I have made the choice to be more accomodating. It's still a work in progress but we'll get there.

Another thought, how is his physical and mental health? There are many health issues that can affect libido. Also I would like to throw in here that looking at porn and masturbating over it are 2 completely different things. I used to have serious issues with my other half seeking out porn. Then I discovered he finds it funny. He rarely actually gets turned on by it. Maybe before you talk to him about it all, make certain he is actually using porn for sexual release. He may just be a little bored.

I hope you can find a solution. Best of luck.

Oh and, even though I am only 30, I think partners for life are possible. You have to spend everyday reconnecting and strengthening the realtionship, but love will stay under the right circumstances.