Hi all, I apologize in advance for what I know is going to end up being a lengthy post... I suppose I'll begin with stating the problem: Porn, or more specifically, the secretive, shady use of porn in lieu of having sex with me. Now for the details...
My boyfriend and I (I am 31, he is 28) have been together for about four and a half years, and porn has been in the picture for the duration. Now before anyone calls me an idiot or a prude, please read on. When I discovered *tons* of porn on his computer in the beginning, I approached him about it, but not in any way demanding that he quit, or anything of the sort. I was nervous about broaching such a private thing, but was very open and I thought he was being very open as well. He said that it was simply part of his past and that he wasn't going to do it anymore. Ok. Fine. I had perused it myself and liked to indulge occasionally, so this 'discovery' wasn't alarming or upsetting; I only wanted us to be open with each other.
Anyway, for a long time I thought nothing more of it. Eventually, it cropped back up and I realized he had never quit. Still okay. Not upset really, just a little hurt that he had been keeping it a secret despite my openness about it. He knew that I used to look at it myself, so I suggested we watch together. We did twice, the second time was awkward, and it never happened again. He started becoming more secretive and I became more self-conscious. It turned into something ugly. We talked about it, fought about it, but nothing ever changed. I became pregnant with his son (who is now 2), and that was a most devastating time for me. I was ravenous. I wanted him badly, but rarely did we have sex. Porn use was excessive (everyday) and it quickly became a heated issue: It got to the point where I couldn't even mention the word 'porn' without an immediate backlash from him. I felt inadequate, worthless, and disgusting in my (albeitly beautiful) pregnant state.
One night while sitting at my desk, I picked up an open bank statement. There was a charge on it from 'Adult Friend Finder'. I was furiously sickened. I immediately confronted him, livid, in all my pregnant glory. He was shocked--I could tell by the stupified look in his eyes. He told me that he had already cancelled his membership (and I *did* check), and that he became a member solely for the videos, which I still find hard to believe, as there are a plethora of other sites available that don't solicit live sex from locals. Ugh...it still eats at my stomach lining.
Fast forward a year or so: By this point, I was completely disgusted with porn and entirely intolerant of it being in our home. He told me, with no hesitation or regard, that he wasn't going to stop looking at it. I told him (countless times) how it made me feel, and how his secrecy and lying was crippling our relationship, as I had little trust by then. I expressed my daunting sense of self reproach, mingled with spite towards him. I no longer felt beautiful, sexy, or wanted. My self esteem, which has always been somewhat fragile, was annihilated... He told me I was the one with the problem and needed to get over it. I'm condensing a lot here--leaving out tons of details, so as to not become a potentially rambling mess. I hope I'm not leaving out points integral to a whole understanding of the situation.
Fast forward about a year later, present day: It's still an issue, though he's not aware of its magnitude. Over the course of our relationship, I've turned into a paranoid, sneaky mate, and I check the computer all the time. He got tired of trying to hide his tracks on the computer so has most recently begun using his phone. He doesn't know that I'm aware of this, though. How would I bring that up? I violated his privacy by looking at his phone's internet history. I don't feel bad about it, considering, but am not looking forward to his reaction.
A little more: He says he needs sex almost everyday. OK. I will happily roll with that; I'm very easily stimulated sexually, have a higher than average drive, and am extremely open to trying almost anything. In short, I am very eager to experiment and experiment often. Or, on the flip side, I could be completely vanilla if that is what he wants. He knows all of this. In the past several months, I have been almost the sole initiator of sex. Now I see why, though: he's resorted to his phone, and would prefer his little candy teens to someone real. And you know, if it were just something he did when I wasn't around, I don't think I'd have as much of a problem with it, or if we could partake together. But I'm truly just sick of all this. I feel completely disregarded, disrespected, and taken completely for granted.
We are in counseling now, have been for about 3 or 4 months. This particular issue has been discussed once, and it was so emotionally stressful for me that I dread anymore. I am exhausted and coming quickly to the end of my frazzled rope.
Thank you for reading this in its entirety. I feel like I have omitted much, but this is already so long. However, it has been a relief to write...
**peace and love to anyone else in pain**
My boyfriend and I (I am 31, he is 28) have been together for about four and a half years, and porn has been in the picture for the duration. Now before anyone calls me an idiot or a prude, please read on. When I discovered *tons* of porn on his computer in the beginning, I approached him about it, but not in any way demanding that he quit, or anything of the sort. I was nervous about broaching such a private thing, but was very open and I thought he was being very open as well. He said that it was simply part of his past and that he wasn't going to do it anymore. Ok. Fine. I had perused it myself and liked to indulge occasionally, so this 'discovery' wasn't alarming or upsetting; I only wanted us to be open with each other.
Anyway, for a long time I thought nothing more of it. Eventually, it cropped back up and I realized he had never quit. Still okay. Not upset really, just a little hurt that he had been keeping it a secret despite my openness about it. He knew that I used to look at it myself, so I suggested we watch together. We did twice, the second time was awkward, and it never happened again. He started becoming more secretive and I became more self-conscious. It turned into something ugly. We talked about it, fought about it, but nothing ever changed. I became pregnant with his son (who is now 2), and that was a most devastating time for me. I was ravenous. I wanted him badly, but rarely did we have sex. Porn use was excessive (everyday) and it quickly became a heated issue: It got to the point where I couldn't even mention the word 'porn' without an immediate backlash from him. I felt inadequate, worthless, and disgusting in my (albeitly beautiful) pregnant state.
One night while sitting at my desk, I picked up an open bank statement. There was a charge on it from 'Adult Friend Finder'. I was furiously sickened. I immediately confronted him, livid, in all my pregnant glory. He was shocked--I could tell by the stupified look in his eyes. He told me that he had already cancelled his membership (and I *did* check), and that he became a member solely for the videos, which I still find hard to believe, as there are a plethora of other sites available that don't solicit live sex from locals. Ugh...it still eats at my stomach lining.
Fast forward a year or so: By this point, I was completely disgusted with porn and entirely intolerant of it being in our home. He told me, with no hesitation or regard, that he wasn't going to stop looking at it. I told him (countless times) how it made me feel, and how his secrecy and lying was crippling our relationship, as I had little trust by then. I expressed my daunting sense of self reproach, mingled with spite towards him. I no longer felt beautiful, sexy, or wanted. My self esteem, which has always been somewhat fragile, was annihilated... He told me I was the one with the problem and needed to get over it. I'm condensing a lot here--leaving out tons of details, so as to not become a potentially rambling mess. I hope I'm not leaving out points integral to a whole understanding of the situation.
Fast forward about a year later, present day: It's still an issue, though he's not aware of its magnitude. Over the course of our relationship, I've turned into a paranoid, sneaky mate, and I check the computer all the time. He got tired of trying to hide his tracks on the computer so has most recently begun using his phone. He doesn't know that I'm aware of this, though. How would I bring that up? I violated his privacy by looking at his phone's internet history. I don't feel bad about it, considering, but am not looking forward to his reaction.
A little more: He says he needs sex almost everyday. OK. I will happily roll with that; I'm very easily stimulated sexually, have a higher than average drive, and am extremely open to trying almost anything. In short, I am very eager to experiment and experiment often. Or, on the flip side, I could be completely vanilla if that is what he wants. He knows all of this. In the past several months, I have been almost the sole initiator of sex. Now I see why, though: he's resorted to his phone, and would prefer his little candy teens to someone real. And you know, if it were just something he did when I wasn't around, I don't think I'd have as much of a problem with it, or if we could partake together. But I'm truly just sick of all this. I feel completely disregarded, disrespected, and taken completely for granted.
We are in counseling now, have been for about 3 or 4 months. This particular issue has been discussed once, and it was so emotionally stressful for me that I dread anymore. I am exhausted and coming quickly to the end of my frazzled rope.
Thank you for reading this in its entirety. I feel like I have omitted much, but this is already so long. However, it has been a relief to write...
**peace and love to anyone else in pain**
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