[Amirra]

(I know this is long, and I appologize! )
I'm not married to my boyfriend, but we've been together for 3 1/2 years, and we own a house together so I figured I'd post this in the Husband/Fiance forum.

I really need some input here, and some sound advice would be fantastic.

As I said, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 and a half years, and he is very caring, thoughtful and selfish (besides what I'm about to discuss).

At the beginning of our relationship we had a discussion regarding ex's...because I've been hurt in the past with men going back to them. He assured me (as I assured him) that he didn't have any contact with any of them (one in particular) anymore, because of the way they broke up. The one I'm speaking of is Sandy, they were together for about 2 years, and broke up a year before we started dating).

Over the first year of our relationship, he would tell me that they had chatted and reconciled a few things, which I was fine with because our relationship was going so well. Then, around our 1 year ann., he told me that he was going to a pub to have a few drinks with her.

I freaked out and got really angry...and probably, admitedly, seriously over-reacted. After that, he stopped talking about her altogether. I thought that my outburst (as rediculous as it might have been) may have gotten through to him and showed him exactly how I felt about him and Sandy hanging out...but I was wrong.

About 5 months later, he told he he would be late coming home because he had to go pick up some sporting gear from his friend. That night I got a call from my closest friend saying that she saw my boyfriend and his ex in his car as she was driving home from work (what are the odds??). So, I drank a glass of wine and tried to calm myself down.

When he got home, I came right out and asked him if he had been with Sandy. He denied it until I told him he was caught red handed. He said that he really wanted to maintain a friendship with her, but didn't tell me because he knew it upset me...apparently my over-reaction had the opposite effect, and he was talking to her, and even seeing her behind my back.

We had a really good discussion about trust and communication. I appologized for losing it on him the first time, and he appologized for lying to me. All was fine and dandy. Just recently he got a new phone while he was at work, and I sent him a text message on my way home, not knowing that he had left his old phone at home (or that he had a new one, for that matter). Anyways, I get home and start reading my book, and his old phone was beeping indicating a new text message.

It got on my nerves, and figuring the message was the one I sent him, I opened his phone to hit 'End'. I saw that the message was from Sandy. I know I shouldn't have opened it, but I did. It said: 'I went through all our Europe pics and there's like none of us '. It's been grating on me ever sinse. I know they've been talking more and more lately. What do they talk about? Do they talk about the good times, do they miss eachother? I can't help but feel a little insecure, but at the same time he is wonderful to me and very thoughtful...so I don't want to over-react again or jump to conclusions.

I worry that this friendship he has with Sandy is going to become a little deeper, but if I tell him to stay away, I know now exactly what he'll do...behind my back. I really, REALLY need advice here, or any words of inspiration. I don't want to throw this relationship away.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We had a really good discussion about trust and communication. I appologized for losing it on him the first time, and he appologized for lying to me.

It got on my nerves, and figuring the message was the one I sent him, I opened his phone to hit 'End'. I saw that the message was from Sandy. I know I shouldn't have opened it, but I did.

but didn't tell me because he knew it upset me...apparently my over-reaction had the opposite effect,

The way I see it? You talked about communication and trust..

But, that really went out the door, just words..

Because you did read the text which is non-trust and he did continue to speak to her, which means he doesn't trust you will be okay with it and that you will over-react, there is no honest communication here.

Your also living in your past...Your past fears as so many women from what happened before, gets in the way of any present relationship which causes problems for the future.

You either trust him and allow him to talk to anyone, as he's his own person, it shouldn't matter whom he talks to, if you feel safe in your relationship together, because there is trust and communication, or you don't which brings you to this feeling which is going to happen over and over and over and create friction in the relationship.

If he wants to remain friends with Sandy? Then he should do the right thing and invite her over and allow his "partner" to meet her because there's nothing to hide,.....

CW

[OregonGirl]

I think it needs to be a "together" thing now. You are a couple and I don't think it's right that he goes out with single girls on his own. It sounds like you guys live together and especially in that situation where you've made the big step up from just dating to living together. It's a lot like being married now and married men shouldn't go out with single women either. Ex or not.

For Sandy to be reminicing about how there's no pictures of her and your boyfriend together from when they were dating, kind of tells me that she's out for more than just a friendship.

As for reading the text, I don't think that's a bad thing. I think that if you two live together you should be allowed to look at his phone without it being a "betrayal". My fiance and I have access to everything the other has, we often answer each others phones and he gets my text messages for me all the time (if I'm in the shower, forget my phone, etc etc.)

Don't blow up on him, don't say "I went through your phone blah blah blah" and wave it all in his face. When he gets home, calmly let him know his phone was going off and give him the message, and then casually ask if all three of you can go out for drinks sometime.

If he's not okay with the three of you going out together, then you know there's a problem.

Also, you tried the nice approach and had a good conversation about trust, letting him know how you feel and etc. Don't turn it in to a whining nag fest because nothing will drive him away faster than hearing you talk about how insecure you are over Sandy EVERY day. (Not that you do that, just a precaution). You've got to be more fun, more attractive, and have a better personality than she does. At least he's got to see you that way, rather than like:

Sandy - go out and have fun and party
Girlfriend - argue, discuss...etc.

[caterpillar79]

To the OP, you are entitled to your emotions. Your reactions are within normal, as I would probably be so tensed every time I'd think about it. I agree with the above posters that its a trust issue and is on both ways - you and him. Unless there is trust and respect, their is no lasting relationship.

Try suggesting to him that he let you and Sandy meet and see what he says/does. Also, you have already told him how you feel about his actions, and instead of respecting you and doing something that would make your relationship more solid, and reassure you, he went behind your back/lied - an act of a man who is coward to choose who is more important.

If you can imagine yourself living with him while your heart and mind race every time he's out on his own, then I feel sorry for you. If things don't change, if he doesn't show you enough respect to stop seeing/communicating the ex, then I reckon you cut your loses and move on. You are worth more than that. Do not ever think he'll change once you are married, because in most cases, he won't.

Do not blame yourself for reacting the way you did. There was so much emotion that caused it, so it's good you let it out right there and then. Exes are exes for a reason, some stay friends and it works. If you can't handle it, say so and be ready to do the next necessary and smart step. I personally cannot have my husband contact an ex in any way or form, it makes me feel betrayed. So I let him know my boundaries, hoping it is going to be burned in his heart and be considered every time he makes a decision.

Feeling suspicious or unsettled the time he's on his own won't be healthy for you. Please put your health and happiness first.