[busy_mama_of_4]

Ok, so my husband is a beer delivery man. At a grocery store that he delivers to (it's a big chain store) a woman who works there apparently asked him if he's a runner one day. He said "Yes, why?" and then she asked him to be on the store's team for an upcoming 10K that the store chain sponsors. It will be in the big city 80 miles away from us. So anyway, he said yes, that he would like to run the race.

At home, he made the comment that he was glad his car gets such good gas mileage so that it wouldn't cost too much for him to go. He was just assuming that the kids and I wouldn't go. He's NEVER gone to a race without me before since we've been married (well, one, but he took our daughter and it was a race here in town. I didn't go because we had a newborn). Anyway, I made it clear that I was going to go with him. I feel like I should go to support him, and honestly, to check out this woman who invited him to be on the team.

My husband made it sound like she was asking everyone but I don't think so. Also, I asked him last night how old she was and there was this LOOOONG pause and finally he said "Well, she's older than me." Then, he goes on to tell me that she's overweight and compared her to a neighbor of ours to give me an idea of her size. He and I both know that he doesn't find large women attractive; he's always liked little women like me. But, I'm thinking if she's running a 10K, how big can she be?

I can't figure out if I'm being paranoid or if it's reasonable to feel the need to just scope out this person who may or may not have an interest in my husband. He hasn't given me any reason to not trust him when it comes to other women, but in the past he has given me plenty of reason not to trust him when it comes to other things. As we all know, trust isn't assigned to separate things, either you trust the person or you don't. Period.

He doesn't seem to have a problem with the kids and I going. He does keep making the comment that I'll really have to keep an eye on them because there will be a lot of people there, etc. Well, duh!

I just don't understand why someone would ask someone they "barely talk to" to be a part of a running team sponsored by their company. I just have my suspicions that my husband talks to this woman and she knows more about him than he's letting on. The reason is because in one conversation he said that he doesn't really talk to the women in the store. Then, after I made it clear last night that I wasn't 100% convinced that this woman didn't have designs on him he was like "She doesn't. I'm sure she doesn't. She KNOWS me and knows about you, etc." So which is it? He barely talks to her or she knows all about his family, etc?

One good thing is that this woman did call his personal phone to give him more details about the race, etc. I would think that if he had something going on with her, she would have been calling his business phone instead. Does that make sense?

Ugh, I'm driving myself crazy and going around in circles in my head. What are you thoughts? Any advice?

[pretzel]

Given some of your previous posts, this is just another thing that's come up and now little things are starting to become bigger things.

Not sure, but is it possible that he's wanted to run in this 10k before and now an opportunity's come up and he jumped at it not thinking about how you'd react?

How long has this particular store been on his route? It's possible that they may in actuality have known each other for years but really only know nothing more than what's said during idle chat while he's making his deliveries. Part of that conversation would easily involve you and the kids, especially if he wears a wedding ring.

Could it just as easily be an instance where he committed himself to this store to do something he's wanted to do for a long time (i.e. the race) without first discussing it with you. Now that he's committed (and doesn't want to back out) that he wants to include the family.

[Mes T]

I haven't read your other posts so I'm just going off of the feeling I get from this one...

And I think that there's nothing to worry about. I think you're overanalyzing the situation as well as the specific things your husband has said... "No we don't really speak, yes she knows all about you..." I dunno, sounds to me like he's just trying to pacify you but is just not that great with words.

I don't see anything out of the ordinary, her inviting him to a company race. She knows he's a runner, there's a race that maybe several people from the company are going to, and so now he's going as well.

Of course if your spider senses are tingling, I'm not saying to ignore that either. I think it's great that you and the kids are going along - now you'll be able to meet her, have a chat, watch the race, and put your mind at ease.

[busy_mama_of_4]

Thank you both for your responses!!! I'm going to go with the feeling that's there's probably nothing to be worried about but I'm going and hopefully that will put my mind at rest.

In response to pretzel, he has been delivering to this store for a little over a year. I don't think he knew about the race before she said anything, but (according to him) the way he understood it at first was that they would pay his registration fee so that made it appealing. Later, he found out that he did indeed have to pay his own registration fee which was disappointing. At that point, he felt it was too late to back out. Of course, my non-trusting self considered the possibility that he had known all along that he would have to pay the fee and just made up the story about the misunderstanding as a way to get me to say yes at first. But, that's probably me just being paranoid about everything.

I am a little excited because I told him that if I'm going to watch the kids so that he can run this race without having to push a baby stroller then I'm going to find a race that I can run while he watched the kids, and I found one that is in April!

[pretzel]

maybe he knew and didn't tell you at first or maybe he didn't know about the registration. Honestly, the important thing is that you didn't let it become a big issue.

The compromise on you running in April should definately be graciously accepted by him. Sounds like a fair exchange to me.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you are probably being a tad paranoid about it... going so far as to make suppositions and asssumptions about her designs on him based on which number she dials etc... thats overthinking it , in my opinion. NOW, if he out of the blue was invited to the race and wanted to go 'prepare' with this new lady often... then I'd raise an eyebrow and be more interested in knowing more about her etc... but if she just invited him to the race, gave him details and he's just going to go run it -- then, no harm no foul.

Whether she's attractive or not will probably affect how you feel about the whole situation, but it really shouldn't... if she ends up being some hot lil thing, the fact he would lie about that would create a trust issue of its own.. but if he hadn't described her as unnattractive and she happened to be that way... it shouldn't make you paranoid...

As much as a natural concern or jealousy may occur when your s.o. is interacting with someone attractive to them, it happens every day. They have to speak and respond to people of all sorts and you wouldn't want a relationship where you'd expect him to examine how attracted he is to a woman before accepting invites to races... saying no if she's hotter and yes if you will deem her 'safe'.

In a perfect world we'd be the apple of our man's eye all day long, but the truth is... if you are the 'apple' of his heart... no one else can change that, attractive or not.

[Guest]

Get over it!

I wouldn't think or assume anything until you see her for yourself and even then I wouldn't think or assume anything.

You sound a bit paranoid to me....why?

Has your hubby EVER given you any reason to be concerned?

Sounds to me like you're trying to make something out of nothing....IMO.

[busy_mama_of_4]

Get over it!

I wouldn't think or assume anything until you see her for yourself and even then I wouldn't think or assume anything.

You sound a bit paranoid to me....why?

Has your hubby EVER given you any reason to be concerned?

Sounds to me like you're trying to make something out of nothing....IMO.

He hasn't really given me many reasons to be paranoid about other women. There was a time years ago that he kept coming home telling me about conversations he was having with this woman who was a vendor for another company. One day we happened to be in a store he delivered at and he saw this woman and said "Hey, there's so and so." By that time I was so sick of hearing about her I lost my temper and said "I'm really sick and tired about hearing about her. Why is she so freaking special?"

Another time I found a woman's phone number in his wallet. It was written in a woman's handwriting. At the time, I completely trusted my husband so I have no idea if he had been calling her or not as I did not check his phones. If I ask him about it now, he claims to have no idea what I'm talking about and said sometimes he has to have people's numbers because if he's delivering to a bar that isn't open during the day, for example, he will have to call the owner to let him or her know that he's ready to deliver their order.

Also, in the past two years, I have caught him in lies about stealing money from a friend, using pain medication that belonged to his sister, stealing pain meds from my Dad's house after he died, smoking cigarettes and marijuana (the marijuana was only when he was self employed, he did not risk losing a job for that), drinking etc. It was a very dark time for us and our marriage. I lived for months with a newborn wondering every day whether or not our marriage would end that week or not. We had been fighting for a long time and my husband had been working two jobs and was under a lot of stress. Then, when he did come home we didn't get along at all. Ever. While these things have nothing to do with other women, it made it very difficult to trust him.

As far as I know, he has quit smoking, drinking, and using pain medications other than those prescribed to him. In a letter last year, I made it clear that in addition to adultery, something that I will not tolerate is any kind of drug use. I stated that I have a responsibility to keep our children safe and if I find out that he is buying, selling, giving, taking or using any kind of drug, illegal or otherwise that was not specifically prescribed to him then I will leave him. Period. I'm just not going to put up with that. I know he doesn't drink here at the house. I am pretty sure he's not smoking behind my back because I don't see/smell any of the signs anymore. I certain he's not messing with pain pills or pot either, because he now has a job that drug tests and he's up for a big promotion this year. I'm certain that he wouldn't risk it. No matter how he feels about me, I know he loves these kids and I don't think he'd do anything to jeopardize our ability to feed and clothe them.

I hope that answered your question. But, you're right, I do make something out of nothing and quite often. I am paranoid and I know that some of it is silly. That's why I came here, I need people to talk some sense into me from time to time so that I don't mention it to my husband. I know if I continue acting irrational, then I run the risk of pushing him away.

[Guest]

Being a substance abuser is vastly different than being a cheater. I can see one commonality...sort of...the lying that goes with it....

If you're concerned about "substance abuse" buy an at home kit and have him pee in a cup.

It MIGHT be time to revisit your letter, only this time TALK to him about it. Men, at times, need to be reminded about certain things...then again, any man that needs to be reminded about no adultery, drug use, drug dealing, heavy drinking, stealing money etc. must be brain dead (IMO).

Keep in mind also, that as a "delivery man" part of his job is sales too. As he has the opportunity to increase sales to any given customer at any given time, on any given day. All "sales" is, is building relationships with your customers and part of relationship building is being polite and friendly.

Re-read paragraph 4 from your reply above, particularly with the sentence that ends with "...I will leave him. Period." Do you think your husband is going to risk all of that?

I am glad that you are here and feel that you can reach out for advice.

That's why all of us are here.

It's a GREAT forum full of interesting and amazing people.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that as he "runs" anyway, it's something that he likes to do..

It's also a good thing to do, because the focus is on health not drugs and booze...

It to me sounds more than feasible that a company has a run and wants as many people as possible in that run, it makes that company look good, especially if people running for them win...Off course there is a spokes person who will be the salesperson on this and I think she was it...

The fact that he said" she's older" means, oh oh, I have to justify myself again.... People prefer to be brief if they think there is going to be another arguement....

You have to stop worrying all the time what if?

You are not enjoying your relationship, time together either of you if you keep being this way.

You gave him a letter, he gets the picture, enjoy your marriage if he ever did those things then leave...otherwise, you have to have trust regardless of what the ending is, or you won't have a happy relationship....plus he's not silly, just because he knows you "now" trust him doesn't mean he thinks you are nieve....

If he won't risk drugs and losing his job, he's not going to risk cheating and losing his wife ...

CW