This is the first time I've ever posted online -- anywhere -- looking for help. But I'm really stuck.
My husband of about three years and I have been in a really rough spot for the last 18 months. We fight, all the time. We say horrible things to each other. We apologize, always, the next day, but it feels like the damage is really severe at this point. Our sex life is basically nonexistent -- I simply do not want to have sex with someone who makes me feel so badly about myself. About two months ago, I learned he was trading text messages -- up to 200 a day -- with his female boss. They travel together frequently for work, and work very closely together. About a month ago, I learned he had applied for a job in another state, and that she had applied for a job in the same other state, at the same company. I learned this, not because he told me, but because i hacked into his e-mail. I'm not proud of myself. Obviously I didn't trust him.
After I found out about the texting and job application, I turned to a close male friend for comfort. Nothing physical has happened, but I am well aware of the fact that our relationship is inappropriate for someone who is married. This friend makes me feel good about myself and seems to see things about me in a positive light, where husband does not seem to see much positive about me these days.
Another complicating factor: I really want to have children, husband is fairly certain he does not. I'm bordering on an age where we need to make a decision or it's going to be off the table, biologically, for me.
I've asked him to go to marriage counseling; he's said no. I love him, but I am feeling very much like we need to either make some very serious changes, or separate from one another. I don't know what to do. I've had a serious conversation with the male friend and told him I need to draw back from our friendship because I don't want to be someone who cheats on her husband. I don't think I want to be with that friend in a long-term romantic way. But I'm thinking that, maybe, it's worthwhile to be married to someone who wants the same things out of life that I do, and who sees me in more of a positive light than a negative one, and who makes me respond sexually. I can't hep thinking that, of the 3 years we've been married, half -- HALF! -- have sucked.
The flip side of that is that leaving my husband would mean giving up on the vows I made, on our families (I am close with his) and on the seven years we've spent together. (We dated for four before being married.)
Help. I really don't know what to do. Thanks, all, for thoughts.
My husband of about three years and I have been in a really rough spot for the last 18 months. We fight, all the time. We say horrible things to each other. We apologize, always, the next day, but it feels like the damage is really severe at this point. Our sex life is basically nonexistent -- I simply do not want to have sex with someone who makes me feel so badly about myself. About two months ago, I learned he was trading text messages -- up to 200 a day -- with his female boss. They travel together frequently for work, and work very closely together. About a month ago, I learned he had applied for a job in another state, and that she had applied for a job in the same other state, at the same company. I learned this, not because he told me, but because i hacked into his e-mail. I'm not proud of myself. Obviously I didn't trust him.
After I found out about the texting and job application, I turned to a close male friend for comfort. Nothing physical has happened, but I am well aware of the fact that our relationship is inappropriate for someone who is married. This friend makes me feel good about myself and seems to see things about me in a positive light, where husband does not seem to see much positive about me these days.
Another complicating factor: I really want to have children, husband is fairly certain he does not. I'm bordering on an age where we need to make a decision or it's going to be off the table, biologically, for me.
I've asked him to go to marriage counseling; he's said no. I love him, but I am feeling very much like we need to either make some very serious changes, or separate from one another. I don't know what to do. I've had a serious conversation with the male friend and told him I need to draw back from our friendship because I don't want to be someone who cheats on her husband. I don't think I want to be with that friend in a long-term romantic way. But I'm thinking that, maybe, it's worthwhile to be married to someone who wants the same things out of life that I do, and who sees me in more of a positive light than a negative one, and who makes me respond sexually. I can't hep thinking that, of the 3 years we've been married, half -- HALF! -- have sucked.
The flip side of that is that leaving my husband would mean giving up on the vows I made, on our families (I am close with his) and on the seven years we've spent together. (We dated for four before being married.)
Help. I really don't know what to do. Thanks, all, for thoughts.
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