[WildChild]

Please consider, could you, deep down, believe that being brutally raped devalued you and that you are somehow flawed? Having been forcibly raped myself in my teens I know that many women do have these feelings. no matter how irrational that is. Are you at some level confirming that with your behavior and response?

[chaya]

Please consider, could you, deep down, believe that being brutally raped devalued you and that you are somehow flawed? Having been forcibly raped myself in my teens I know that many women do have these feelings. no matter how irrational that is. Are you at some level confirming that with your behavior and response?

As irrational as it may seem, when I was raped, I did feel guilty for disgracing my family. Even though it was not my fault, it did happen and that's all that mattered at the time. That guilt has pretty much passed. I was devalued and flawed by that event, because of the beating i took I can never have children. Every time I see a child, even on TV, I am reminded of this.

I don't see how that would affect what happened yesterday. That was pure lust on my part. I was out of control and at the time would have done anything. I'll have to live with that moment for the rest of my life.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

This "friend" you did not lose... This "friend" knew you were married and ensured you saw him every day, discussing your inner most thoughts, gradually, getting closer into your personal space, via holding your hand. Think about it, it didn't "just" happen...

That to me is enough closure, a lesson learnt that when a man wants something, he can be cunning like a fox...

I would go with that knowledge and no longer feel dirty, rather tricked... And, live with it and get on with your life with your husband.

CW

[WildChild]

CW is right. Think of this as a life lesson. Sometimes the biggest things we learn in school aren't in the classroom. You are still growing, maturing, learning. What happened? You got into a situation where a man made inappropriate advances and you were unsure how to handle them. You know better now and it won't happen again.

[chaya]

Everyone wants to blame "him", I think it was more my fault than his. I don't want to believe that he was planning this all along and he was just trying to seduce me. He was a friend and it is hard to believe that I misjudged him.

Anyway, no matter who is at fault, the problem is mine now. My husband will be home in 3 more hours and I can't decide what I should tell him. He is sure to know something is wrong because I didn't go to school. I don't want to lie to him, if this ever came out he would think I was trying to cover it up. If I decide not to tell him, I can let him think it is my diabetes acting up without actually telling him any lies. My sister told me to just act normal check my blood sugar when he comes in and let him draw his own conclusions as to why I didn't go to school.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Chaya...

I am sorry that you feel that we are blamming him, which in return makes you feel you mis-judged but isn't it possible?

And, if it is possible? Does that not give you a reason, purpose, for not feeling guilty?

Did you hold his hand first
Did you hug him first


There will be your answer.

Your husband has been there for you through alot, he would understand if a man worked his magic over a period of time, he would not understand in my opinion, that you felt lust...and contributed...How would he feel? To death do us part? She is my wife and only loves me? Or would he feel otherwise.

I personally would take much more time out in thinking before speaking.....

It is "okay" to be nieve, to believe in good intentions....It is okay....

But you also have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself, why you felt attracted to another man, lust for another man, if you are married....That's more important than anything else...

CW

[Mes T]

A few years ago I kissed another man while I was with my (then) boyfriend. He came on to me first, but I didn't object in the slightest, if you know what I mean.

The experience made me realize that I was not committed to my relationship, I was lacking things in it, I felt trapped and was not yet done growing, learning, experiencing. That's what that experience taught me. I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend, and I felt immediate relief. I finally had the opportunity to find myself and live my life the way I wanted to.

I also ended up confessing to my boyfriend what happened, because the guilt was too much for me to bear.

BIG MISTAKE.

It made the break-up 100 times more miserable. And it all became MY FAULT, in his mind, and I was the one who ruined our "perfect and magical" relationship... If only I hadn't done this, if only I hadn't done that... Do you see what I mean? It was useless, after I confessed, to really discuss with him the reasons behind my actions, which were very valid. All he could see was the act itself and condemned me for it.

I agree with the others. I would do some soul-searching for now, and resist telling him that this happened. Once you speak the words you will not be able to take them back. So think carefully.

[jns]

I didn't go to school today. I didn't want to face the man I was with. If I went I couldn't avoid seeing him. I didn't tell my husband I was staying home, since he went to work, I have been crying. I hate myself and feel dirty like I cheated on my him and maybe I did, at least mentally. I've been trying to decide if I should tell my husband what I did. If I don't tell him, it will be a dirty secret I will have to keep from him forever. If I do tell him and we break up over it I don't want to live any more. I would do anything if I could take back what happened yesterday but I know that is impossible. I just don't know what to do to make it right.

chaya, don't hate yourself, just resolve to never do anything like that again. Over time, memories will fade if you allow them to. Take those thoughts and feelings about what happened and wall them off. I am not saying to deny them, just squeeze them out of your thoughts. You made a mistake. You are not a bad person, just one who made a mistake. Like any mistake, don't repeat it, but chalk it up as a life lesson. Good luck.

[oxy-moron]

Hi
Do not tell your husband. He will leave you for sure.
You will only be trying to offload guilt.
The new man has a major character flaw to chase a newly married woman in the first place. This would make him a bad partner choice.
What you are experiencing was lust and the lust part of a relationship does not last long.

[chaya]

I did not tell my husband about my indiscretion with that other man. Luckily for me he had a bad day on the job yesterday and he doesn't know I didn't go to school. This morning when I got to school, my friend asked me where I was yesterday. I said I was so upset over what happened between us I had to stay home and sort things out. He was very surprised, he thought nothing about what happened and said he had no intentions of having an affair with me. In fact, he had a new girlfriend and wouldn't want to cheat on her. Anyway, we decided it would be better if we didn't spend as much time together. I'm going to lunch with some Japanese friends today and hardly talked to him after the morning meeting.

My sister thinks I just had a hormone attack, that's what she calls it when she gets real horny. I've thought a lot about it and I believe that deep down I want to do sexual things that my husband thinks are taboo. He will never engage in oral sex, I have never had it either but would like to try. He never fingers or fondles my women place, he does fondle my breasts and butt but I would like him to do more but he thinks that is taboo. I don't think he has ever masturbated, if that is possible for a man. I once had what felt like a sore at the entrance of my vagina. I tried to look at it in a mirror but couldn't see anything. I asked him to check it out for me but he couldn't do it, he was so embarrassed and blushing so much I said to never mind. He is not as shy with me since we got married but is still pretty bad. For example, he will never get undressed with the big light on in the bedroom if I am present. If I undress in front of him, he turns away, usually blushing. I think that subconsciously, I want more than he can give me and that's why I came on to that other man like I did.

Now for the big question, do you think I should ask him to go to counseling with me to talk about his shyness and our intimate relationship? Right now he had no idea that this is a problem for me. If I bring it up, I don't know how he will take it. He might be really offended or hurt.