[shiarhars]

Since day one my marriage has been a roller coaster. When is not the black ops video game that he plays non stop is his online reltionships on facebook, Zooks to name a few. Im stating to think im the problem and i nagg too much thats why he does it. But i work, clean, cook and even beg him to spend time with him other than playing the video games but nothing. Its gotten to the point where we not intimate as often anymore. and to be honest after all hes done i dont have that desire anymore. My marriage is falling apart and i dont know how to put it back together. I kicked him out the house the first time he cheated one me but after him begging and promising that he wouldnt do it again i forgave him. Now i found out he has another network site account and is talking and flirting with women. His profile says looking for a relationship and i just dont know what to do. Is it because i nagg too much and im always on him because he leaves his close all over the place, dont do dishes or laundry and i actually feel like his maid and not his wife. Should i confront him again or just plain black just leave him? I love him but i dont think i can take anymore of this.

[WildChild]

On your other thread you said you've been married for a month? You should still be in the honeymoon phase, a bit gaga about each other. If he is gaming, flirting, looking for a relationship, coming to bed at 2 am, why did he want to get married?

How long have the two of you been together?
How old are you?
Do you have any children?

[shiarhars]

Sorry i meant to say 9 month. That is the same thing i say we should still be in that honeymoon phase all gaga and crazy about each other but things change the minute we married. We've known each other for about four years now. Im 31 years old first marriage for me but second one for him. We dont have kids althought i want them so bad. I ask him that same question when he first cheated on me. Why get marry if he still wanted to live that single life? his reply was because he loved me and wanted to be with me. Now i dont think so anymore if he keeps messing up. I mean some days he can be so love dovy and romantic and i feel him here with me but it doesnt last long. For example he threw me a birthday party last week went all out bought me roses sent me to get a massage and get my nails done while he prep for the party. That night was awesome and it made me so happy that he would take the time to do this things for me. But then i turn around and find this new network site and him flirting with this bunch of women; sending each other messages it just shattered my heart. Between this and the game i cant compete. Im too old for this kind of games dog and cat chaces. Im in the Arny and getting ready to deploy in a few months i dont think im going to be able to deal with being away and this situation. Its going to drive me crazy wondering about what he is doingback home? or if im going to come back to our home? or just a men that has done all kinds of things. I mean if he is doing that now and im still here i dont want to think what do with me gone. I real deperate and devastated. It shouldnt be this hard so early into the marriage i just dont get where the love went to fast????

[Hopeless Dork]

I think its time you ask yourself if you even love this man, or if you just want this marriage to work because its 'supposed to'. If he has redeeming qualities... you certainly haven't listed them here. Birthday parties are great, but you can plan one for your roomate or your best friend, or a co-worker... I'm not trying diminish how excited you were at his gift to you... I'm just saying if thats the only thing he's done to show he's caring for you in all this time, its a problem.

When you married him, you had no idea he was that heavy into video games? You were not aware of his online proclivities? You were completely blind-sided by everything? Or were you just hoping he would change once you married? People that are one way before marriage don't usually change after marriage, at least not in the way a person hopes.

Like right now, he's doing what he wants to do, he's playing games til all hours, he's ignoring you, he's talking to other women online... etc. You cook, you clean, you pick up after him... he's living the dream in his own selfish little world. You can ATTEMPT... to 'change' him, ask him to spend more time with you, ask him to help around the house, ask him to not talk to other women online, to not... sign up for dating sites saying hes looking for a relationship while ALREADY BEING MARRIED.

But at the end of the day people are going to be who they are, if he wanted to make you feel good, if he wanted to give you attention, if he wanted to be faithful... those are things he would aspire to do all on his own. You can stare at a can of pepsi and wish it was a bottle of champagne all you want, you can even pretend it is in your mind... but at the end of the day, it is what it is.

It sounds like you want this so bad. But why? What it is about him that makes him 'the one'? Have you stopped to realize how many awesome men there are out there in the world? Or even just how awesome the world could be without a man that is making you feel like dirt?

Nagging him won't make him care if he doesn't, begging him to be the man you thought he was or hoped he'd become won't make that be so. You either have to decide if this is how you want to be treated or if it isn't.

Make a list in your mind of what it would take to make you happy in this relationship... and ask yourself honestly if those are things you can truly, honestly, see him doing/not doing in order to make you happy.

Ask yourself if you've really tried to see things from his side, if you've asked him if he's happy, asked him what it would take to make him happy and if you've honestly given it your best. If you have, and he hasn't.. then you can either continue to expend energy trying to make this marriage work... but if he isn't willing to the same, it will be in vain.

I'm not advocating you leave him. I'm asking you to ask yourself what it is about him that you love so much... and make sure any answers you have to that question are relevent to the here and now. Not ... well cuz he used to do this, or that. Or once year a he... No. Ask yourself what it is about you love him, what it is about him that balances out all the hurt he causes?

[shiarhars]

I do love him still and i really want this marriage to work. one of the reason why i felt in love with him is because of his good qualities. We used to travel all over and spend a lot of quality time together. He would buy me anything to please me and he always seem to be planning for things for us to do. After we got married we still did things together and he still made the time to surprice me with small little details like bringing me flowers to work. He knows excatly what i like, the type of food i love he dont have to ask me all the time. He would cook me dinner when he would get home early before me (he is a great cook). We have done weekend trips to cabins and some resorts since we didnt have a lot of money to have a honeymoon. We had date nights on weekend since we both work a lot of hours during the week. So the weekend is the only time we have to actually spend time together. But that came to a holt. But it seems that all the good things he does some how he finds a way to mess it up afterwards. Its fustrating to see such great qualities in a man that cant hold on to them and make their relationship work. A the same time i blame myself sometimes because i let my job take the best out of me at time and i would take it out on him at times. But i been trying to change that so it wont affect us. I think it may be too late now and he feed up thats why he acting like this now.I know he can make me happy he has for a short time. I know no marriage is perfect and it has its ups and downs, i just dont get why are we having the down part so early into the marriage. It makes me think that he didnt want to get married but did so anyways for some reason. It also makes me think that maybe he didnt trully love me but love the idea of having a good wife. I'll try to talk to him and ask him those questions but im sure if im not happy now neither is he or so i hope is. Thanks

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What does he do for a living?

It sounds to me that he lived very much in a batchelor's world with way to much time on his hands...And, so he turned to the computer, and now, is addicted to that life, the fantasy world.

He obviously has it in him to break that cycle, maybe with him knowing you are being deployed in 3 months, he's going to need the computer even more, that he is just simply still going with it?

I imagine he is working or else he couldn't buy you those flowers, gifts.. And, I imagine if he is in his 30's before he met you, he lived a lonely life, at home, in front of a computer.

But, he's married now, why not talk to him in that regard, rationally and explain that, that life, should be left behind, find another addiction, a passion that is outside not inside stuck by a computer.

Also when you marry you are in each other's faces, you work and the last thing you want to do is go around picking up after him, always make the bed, cook, clean, it's kind of an equal world these days, but if you nag? Then, it falls down...You are better of saying, oi you, your turn to make the bed and smile as you say it...

It's not what we ask, it's how we ask.

CW

[shiarhars]

He is going to be 31 this september and we are both in the army. This is his second marriage so it should be easier than the first. We talked over the weekend and i told him how it made me feel knowing that he goes outsife our marriage to look for other women, even if it is just emails. I told him that it hurt me in every sense of the word and that it made me not be able to trust him. The fact that he puts so much enfassiss at his work and his friends but little to his our marriage shows how he cares for this relationship to work. He told me that he was insecure and that everyone in his life has always abandoned him so he fears im going to do the same. For that same reason he seems to destroy things before it hurts him. I didnt know he felt this way. I explained to him that by pushing people away doesnt fix anything and that was not an excuse for him to go and seek other womens attention. That he should put all that hard work into the marriage instead if he wanted us to work. that loving someone should come easely and not have to be forced. You are either in or your out there is no in between. I should have to beg for quality time, love and respect it should just be there. I told him since im going for training for a month he should take this time and meditate to himself and decide if being married was something he trully wanted from the bottom of his heart. If not then we can continue on like this. That i definetely could not deploy and be unsure of what he is doing back home. So lets see how this turn out next month when i come back home. Wish me luck. Thank you everyone for all your good advice.