[jbs5165]

I think that my husband might be a sex addict. His sex drive seems to be through the roof and he keeps trying to initiate 2 or 3 times a week. I'm at my wit's end on what to do about this. How do I make him see that he has a problem and that he needs help? He doesn't believe me when I tell him married people just don't do it that much particularly after 22 years of marriage!

[jns]

How old is he? Unless he is quite old it shouldn't make a difference. 2 to 3 times a week is not unusual for men or women. Yes, maybe many marriages don't have sex that often, but it is not usually from both partners agreeing to have sex only rarely. Usually in those marriages one partner decides that they are not interested or just slightly interested and the other partner has to go along with it or end the marriage. The person with the lowest sex drive usually controls that part of the relationship.

[WildChild]

I had to chortle reading this. I'm over 50, the man in my life is in his late 40s we have sex pretty much daily, sometimes more than once. If he wasn't in constant pain due to bone spur in a vertebra, I'm sure it would be more often.
Trying to initiate only 2 or 3 times a week strikes me as pretty minimal. My parents are in their late 70s and I'm pretty sure they do it at least that often.

You should be hitting the age when your drive ramps up and stays up! Why not start looking to some ways to spice things up so you feel more luscious and sexy? Tantra holds many possibilities, I especially like Skywalking tantra.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's true after decades of years together a strong loving friendship often develops but to me, that's when your in your 70's and I'm guessing your in your 40's.

As others have said, at that point in time you should be feeling not only of wanting sex, but not concerned about what's seen and what's not seen if you know what I mean.

Maybe he's got his second wind...

Why do you not want sex? How do you see your relationship..

[Hopeless Dork]

I don't think there is a doctor in the world that would diagnose anyone wanting sex 2-3 times a week as a 'sex addict' in fact, some would consider that a low sex drive. Thats not even wanting sex every other day... that sounds like a pretty normal sex drive. If you are at your wits end, I'm assuming you either have no sex drive? Or a low sex drive? Or is it the type of sex you have that bothers you? Or is itthe way he inniciates it? Is it the quality of it? Is it that he doesn't take your satisfaction into consideration?

How often do you want sex? If it were up to you how often would you want to have sex with him? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year? Never? I'm not being condesending, I am just curious what you think a normal sex life would consist of, in terms of how often?

[jbs5165]

We're both in our mid-forties, but we've never have had that much sex. I never thought I had a low drive but I've always been willing to have it about once a month or so. He does try to make sure that it's good for me when we do though. If we have it too often, won't it be less special? On the initiating, I'm not sure what I'd want, except it not to be so much.

[Mes T]

Willing to have it once a month or so... sounds like you have an usually low drive. There are many men and women in the same boat as you, thinking that their partners are the ones with extremely high drives when in reality it's actually an issue with them, not their partners.

Are you on any medication? Birth control? Do you orgasm during sex? Does your partner know how to pleasure you? Do YOU know how to pleasure you?

[Hopeless Dork]

Mid 40's, you are not ready to hang the hat on having a sex life yet are you? Once a month or so? Ack... that would be considered a very low drive jb. Perhaps you guys could compromise and meet in the middle somewhere if sex is absolutely a chore to you. You should not be made miserable to please him, but he should not be made miserable either. If you guys love each other and respect each other.. perhaps you could meet in the middle as in he agree to ask for half as much as he really wants and you agree to inniciate or give in to his inniciations twice as much as you'd organically want...would that be reasonable to you?

And noooooo. More sex does not decrease the specialness. Less sex, treating your partner like they are undesirable, making them resentful, making them feel rejected.. is what will lead to a decrease in the 'specialness' of the ENTIRE relationship. The more sex you have, the more you open up and show him what you like, the more intimate connection you share, the more you physically bond and open up emotionally and physically... the closer you will be, the more special it will make every moment, not just the sexual ones.

[rcoreyus]

I completely agree with HopelessDork here. Sex is a very important part of a loving relationship - without it all you have is friendship. Having sex 2-3 times a week is around average - and for a couple that really loves each other it is probably higher. If I remember correctly therapists consider less than 10 times / year to be a "sexless marriage".

Is he willing to try to please you in bed? Have you told him what you like?

I'm in a relationship where my spouse is only willing to have sex about once a month (I would like it every day or two). This is the dark cloud that hangs over an otherwise entirely happy relationship and happy life. It makes me deeply resent the person that I otherwise completely love. I've thought of leaving, I've though of cheating. It is difficult to describe just how depressing and miserable it is to be rejected by the person you love.

I don't want to be too mean here, but think of the position you have put him in. He can only rarely have sex with you, and I presume you would be very upset to find that he was having sex with someone else, though under these conditions it wouldn't be surprising, and I couldn't fault him for it. He is basically being forced to be nearly celibate.

The bright side is that you can fix this. Please try to understand why you aren't interested in sex. If it is something he is doing or not doing, then tell him. If it is something within yourself, then try to fix it. I think an active sex life will make both of you much more happy, will bond you together and you will discover that you can feel real passionate love at any age.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He does try to make sure that it's good for me when we do though. If we have it too often, won't it be less special?

It's easy to understand that thought pattern obviously you play an importance like a special occassion, feeling it's intimate and therefore not "sex" ...

It is possible that he's always wanted more, even once a week, or so, he'd be happy with but now, has decided he'd try to be intimate more, maybe you will accept that, as we all stated 30's 40's onwards is meant to be the peak for a woman.

Sex is sex if you are ot loved, if you are not held, looked at, smiled at.... Intimacy even if it's horny intimacy thrown over the sink, gone in 60 seconds, is still two people in love sharing.

Talk to him about what it means to you and has to always mean to you, have a date night, so you feel special initially perhaps but please don't view sex as sex, you are married and like you stated he always makes it special for you.

CW