[Lynn22]

I have been married for a few years, and in a relationship with my husband now for almost ten years. I had found him early on in our relationship, shortly after we moved in together, with porn and it wouldn't have been a problem except when I caught him with it he had hidden in the room to try to hide what he was doing. I have had other boyfriends before him that had watched porn and didn't think it was a big deal, but the fact that he hid it from me seemed strange, and come to figure out he was using it sometimes more than once a day, and almost every day. So we decided that porn was not ok in our relationship. That was about five years ago, five days ago I figured out that he had been using porn since then, behind my back, and hiding anything that would show that he used it. I didn't make a big deal about it the first time, but this time it was different, he did it even though he knew it wasn't ok, and it felt just as bad as if he would have done something with another woman. I am just starting to calm down about it after five days and am still feel very betrayed and have almost no trust in him. The fact that he didn't think it was a big deal at first worries me, and I wonder when and if he is going to start again. I have never been closer to divorce because I am not sure if I will be able to fully trust him again. It is not only the porn, he would get mad if I didn't sleep with him sometimes (and wonder if he has a sex addiction) , and this is not the only thing he has lied about (I consider not telling me about it lying). We are young (under 30) and I don't want to continue a relationship that will ultimately end in divorce later down the road.

[jns]

You didn't make a big deal about it the first time. Did you make sure he knew that porn use was something that would break the marriage?

You wonder if he has a sex addiction. How often does he want sex and how often do the two of you have sex?

You consider not telling you lying. Does he have to tell you everything that happens in his life?

Has he betrayed you before?

[Lynn22]

Thanks for the reply. I didn't make a big deal about it the first time because to me as long as he didn't do it again it wasn't a big deal that he did it then because I know a lot of guys use porn. I don't consider everything he doesn't tell me a lie, but things like this, where he knew it wasn't ok but he hid it and didn't bother telling me about. I am not sure that he would have told me if he didn't think I could tell as soon as I asked the question (he isn't a very good liar). We used to have sex a lot, at the beginning of our relationship it was at least once a day, sometimes all day, but lately it has slowed down a bit because of stress, the very least we have had sex is twice a week. He has lied to me before but not about sexual stuff like this.

[LanaBear]

I'm getting the sense from your post that he doesn't not really know your true feelings on porn. Is that correct? If you didn't make a big deal of it the first time, then, is it a good possibility that he really doesn't know how you feel about it?

Is there a reason why porn is a no no for you?

I don't believe there is any type of sexual addiction going on. Two times a week hardly makes a person a sex addict. Has it slowed down because of you, him or both? Is it possible that he would like sex more than twice per week?

It just seems that there is a lot of communication missing in your relationship.

[jns]

Good follow up Lana.

In many cases I think porn is a problem in that it causes people to pull back from their relationships. They pull back from good sex and pull back from communicating.

[Lynn22]

I guess that makes sense that since I didn't make a big deal about it the first time, that in turn he wouldn't think it was a big deal to do it. I don't think he was very respectful for him to do it when we decided not to. He knows this time that it is a big deal and said he wouldn't do it again, but I keep thinking if he didn't stop before why would he stop now. I think part of the reason I didn't think porn was a good idea was because I thought he had a problem with it, and now that I have gotten older I don't think it is healthy for our relationship to fantasize about another person. I guess my values have changed a bit with age. The sex has slowed down mostly because of me, he would have sex every day if he could.

[bob_smith]

most men are addicted porn and it is an extremely hard addiction to kick.

[Lynn22]

Thanks, thats what I figured.

[jns]

Sex once a day is not being addicted on your husband's part not is twice a week too little on your part. But as the situation sits, you two now have mismatched sex drives. Has this mismatch been going on for a while? As much as you don't want sex any more than you are currently having it, he probably doesn't want relief any less than what he wants and I'm guessing that is at least once a day (since you said he would probably have sex once a day). Too bad you both didn't slow down at the same time, but that would probably be rare.

Situations like this are a reason for relief by using porn, by having affairs and by going to prostitutes as well as by breaking up marriages. Even though it really isn't your fault your feelings have changed on this, I'm sure he would see it as moving the goal posts and creating a situation that he doesn't particularly want to be in, even if he loves you.

Communication and counseling may be able to help this situation.

[Lynn22]

It has been mismatched for only a few months. I know that he masturbates just about every day, but he shouldn't need to use porn.