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No intimacy in 14 year marriage

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  • No intimacy in 14 year marriage

    I'm 44 and my wife of 14 years is 39. We have two children, a Son who is 13.5 years and a Daughter who has just turned 7.

    At present I'm finding it increasingly difficult to see a future in our relationship, as my wife has repeatedly turned off both emotionally and physically for extended periods of time. This is not just a matter of weeks and months, but has gone on for years. The present period commenced after the birth of my Daughter. Prior to this the draught has been 2 years or so on numerous occassions between intimate moments.

    I'm helpul and attentive around the home. I generally do all the washing, all the cooking and the majority of the other house work. My wife generally sits with the children to ensure their homework is completed.

    Another issue I find difficult to contend with is her approval of allowing our 13 year old Son and & 7 year old Daughter to sleep in the marital bed. My Son in particular has always slept in our bed and due to this my Daughter is there by default.

    Both children have totally decked out bedrooms and never sleep in them. We have a kingsize bed but now it's all coming to a head as I'm presently sleeping on the floor. My Son can cope to sleep on his own and has proven so over numerous sleep overs at friends homes and even coped perfectly fine on an interstate school trip over 5 nights.

    Another issue is the constant pandering my wife does over the boy. He has the best of everything and wants for nothing and this is causing pressure on our family budget. He has just about every game console invented. He recently wasn't happy to have a 32 g ipod touch and a Motorolla V9, he had to have an iphone4 !! Of course Mum bought this against my wishes and following on has just bought him a Nintendo DSI 3D, despite having both a normal DSI and a DSI XL that was only a few months old !!!! (part of last years christmas haul)

    I love my wife and children and have been faithful to her thus far, however I'm having thoughts of leaving and starting again. I've raised this with her and there is no interest or response whatsoever. My 7 year old has heard us talking and she wants to live with me.

    I don't know if I should leave or if I should stay for the sake of the children. My thoughts are so clouded as my biological father walked out when I was 2. I don't want to be seen as walking out like he did.

  • Your wifes desperate efforts to be the BEST mom are so obviously contradictary (in my opinion) to the overal well-being of your children, your son especially. He is WAY too old to be sleeping with you guys... he is probably embarassed or ashamed of the fact he does so... I mean most teenage boys want that healthy seperation, that feeling of being a 'grown up' and this could be stunting that development. Also catering to his every whim is setting him up for DISASTER in the real world... where you can't just bat your eyelashes and get everything you wish for handed to you on a platter. He's in for a reality check and may have trouble adjusting if you guys don't nip it in the bud as in making it clear that he has to earn some of the gifts that are bestowed upon him, either with chores or even just having to patiently wait for a special event to obtain them... not just because a new version came out.

    Having everything you want handed to you gives you no sense of real joy when you get it, there was no build up for it... its just i want this, whoop there it is, i want that, woop there that is... and it will lead to him having little or no appreciation for anything because it came to him way too easily.

    I think marital counseling, family counseling, could benefit you guys , it couldn't possibly hurt. Does your wife know that you are so driven from the hurt that you are actually contimplating walking out on the marriage? I wonder if she realizes just how bad its gotten? You should never wait til things build to the point of no return... as things effect you emotionally and create negative feelings -- you have to address those so they don't just end up in an insurmountable pile of resentment.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


    • It sounds like your wife is using the kids to enforce the lack of intimacy and privacy between you two. Generally I don't believe that doing all of the chores inside and outside of the house will help on intimacy, although picking up a fair share of the work could take stress off and that could help. What will your wife do when your son has a wet dream? Will she finally get the kids out of the bed? Or just the girl? Or just the boy? What if your wife gets pregnant? Do both kids sleep together or one on either side of her? I had my first wet dream about 13 or 14.

      I find nothing encouraging about your situation. You need serious family counseling or to get out and take your kids with you.
      I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
      Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

      From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


      • My wife sleeps on one side and right next to her is the boy and next to him is the daughter. I was reading somewhere else that a teenage boy gets an erection every 45 minutes. I raised this with her but she thinks I'm being stupid about it all.

        I also agree with the other reply where it is unhealthy for the boy. He is extremely shy around peers and tends to gravitate on the outer. Given the whole situation of giving him everything and allowing him to essentially not grow up by sleeping in our bed, is setting him up for further problems down the track.

        We have been in our new house for close to 3 years and he has still not made friends with any of the local children. This is because he is always in our back pocket. It is so frustrating


        • He's 13 and still a kid, yes. But he's 5 years away from being a man and your wife is really hindering his development into one. In just a few years , he will be old enough to potenially drafted into a war, is responsible for voting, can purchase tobacco, can make his own medical decisions etc.. in JUST A few years... is he ready? No.. doesn't sound like it at all. I agree with JNS that she might be using them as a shield to keep intimacy out of your bedroom... and if that is the case her selfishness in that regaurd could impact how well your son adapts to the world as he ages out of your bed at what 15? 18? 21? At what point does your wife think its time? Family counseling, marriage counseling, really really important. Your son could use some help getting out of his shell.

          Talk to his counselor at his school and let him know the difficulty your son has relating to his peers. He can't force kids to be friends with him (nor would that be a good thing) but he would then be able to keep an eye on the situation and make an effort to find ways to get your kid involved in activities where kids might be more apt to reach out to him.
          Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.



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