[Little]

You shouldn't be more accepting if even the thought of it happening hurts you.

This.

Having a child share the bed is something to avoid.

Wrong. Bedsharing is very healthy for children. As infants, it makes breastfeeding on demand (the healthiest way to feed a child) at least 3,000% easier. It allows the parents to get more sleep. Bedsharing infants are less likely to die of SIDS (and overlying is practically unheard of in parents who do not drink or use drugs, Rx or otherwise.) Being close to the mother's body also allows the infant to learn to breathe regularly. The infant will also grow into a more independent and confident child. Knowing all that, I can only applaud his wife for choosing to bedshare! But like any other behavior that starts out as healthy, bedsharing can be used as a front to avoid dealing with problems - in this case, avoiding working on the sexual relationship with a spouse.

[oxy-moron]

Little
From Wikipedia

There are conflicting views on bed-sharing safety and health compared to using a separate infant bed.

Safety and health


Health care professionals disagree about bed-sharing techniques, effectiveness and ethics.[8] The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission warns against practicing it with babies because of risk of suffocation or strangulation,[7] but many pediatricians, breast-feeding advocates, and others have criticized this recommendation.[9]

I will agree to disagree with you.

[OneConfusedGuy]

Wow! Thank you guys for the discussion, and Little, for the record, I am 100% co-sleeping, we decided to do it, and it's been the best thing for our son(not so good for us), so you definitely wrote what I needed to read on that note. We've been talking for 4 straight days now(when time permits), I've been going through various negative emotions, feeling overwhelming craziness, but I really do want to come out of this a different person altogether, and I've been thinking alot about what it means when one person feels deeper about sex than another person. I've been trying to make a mental breakthough via fasting and much, much(much) contemplation, and trying to realize what really matters long-term. Anyways, I made a breakthough; I've loved her since the day I met her, and she's loved me too; it was the 1st day of college, new experiences in a co-ed dorm, we were like peas in a pod for the first year of college, but only really, really good friends. But then I went back home and studied elsewhere for 2 years but when I went back, we got right together and we've be happily together ever since, until now. I'm trying to realize "is it really worth losing a long-term relationship over something like sex?" and What if you're not having sex, and what if your partner finds an oportunity to have sex, and how do you seperate your lifelong emotional attachments to sex? Answer: You become a bit more shallow about it. I hope that doesn't sound sarcastic, it's not meant to be, because I want to be able to think more shallow-er-ly(lol) about sex, I'm just not sure where to go from here, but I do know I'll get there, because I'm not losing her. , maybe I'll even have sex again one day. Anyways, thank you for all the comments.

p.s. - we went to a "Meet The Teachers" pre-school meeting tonight(I forget if I mentioned our guy started school on Moday), it was insane!

[oxy-moron]

Hi
Have you decided to stop having children.
I think the decision to do an open relationship will be easier if the family starting is out of the way.
Also - does your statement maybe' I'll even have sex again one day' mean you have stopped sex with her completely. This would be a bad position to start an Open relationship. Make a condition of the Open relationship that you too have an active sex life together. Get into body massage sessions as well.
Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Have to respond to this

Can it depend on how long they share the bed?

I was discussing nightmares with my step daughter but before that , the fact we can't turn the light off.

She (13) said to me that all her life she spend sleeping with her parents, when scared when they separated she slept with Mom and she can't handle the dark and she believes it's because she never had the chance as a child to experience it on her own.

I am with guests so can't reply to the OP just read that and thought, from my own step daughters experience at 13? We still can't turn the hall light off and she now know why she has nightmares, hopefully I have convinced her of the reasons now that I know and she will not have them anymore.

[stressed]

Sex is a very important aspect in a relationship, especially at your age (and it will be until you're at least 60 years old). It's an emotional bond, a biological necessity and something you only find in your partner, unless both partners have agreed to be in an open relationship and are happy with that decision. It's not a 'shallow' subject. You may think you can live without it now, but in a week, a month, a year you may change your mind, because your body will make you change your mind.

Good luck with whatever you decide, but try to be realistic more than optimistic.

[Little]

Bedsharing and co-sleeping length really depends on the culture. In the West, it's "weird" to have a family bed. In Islam, it is suggested to have a family bed until around age 12. Remember that mammals (which we are) generally sleep with the parents/pack until maturity. But since we've got complex thought above most mammals, we have to complicate it and use it as a crutch or something to hide behind. Sick, really.

I can't say I am totally comfortable with your choice re:allowing the open relationship to happen but really just being sexless yourself. You'd essentially be roommates raising a child. You're also continuing to martyr yourself for your wife's happiness. That is, if I read the paragraph right. There's a serious problem in anyone martyring themselves for anybody else. She can walk away from your agreement at any time and leave you all alone, with nothing to show for hanging your sex life out to dry. You may think she'd never do this, but you probably once thought she'd never choose to go boink a work buddy either. Think long-term here.
And what will your son think about mommy taking daddy's pride to the cleaners? You have a young mind to consider here. If you were a woman who had a daughter, I'd be practically jumping up and down and screaming for you to stand up straight and act like the worthy human being you are. The advice with reversed genders should be no different.

[OneConfusedGuy]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the continued comments, they really have helped me. It's been a complete soul searching event for me over the past week, I've been keeping in mind much of what some of you said, along with the advice and info I find on other forums(I've started multimple threads about the subject), and Little, you are right about many things; 1. I never thought this would happen. 2. Our son learning that mommy was taking Daddy's pride to cleaners would be something that would need to be altogether mitigated, which would come down educating about relationships once he's cognizant, which will be many years from now; he's only 3.

Anyways, nothing has happened between my wife and her co-worker on a physical level, they decided to stop talking because the mention of it hurt his wife the same way it hurt me. Now, I'm dealing with the emotional attachments I once had for her, and how something has been lost, but was that something really that important? I want to be open, and really, I think I just need to be more accepting of human nature, and understand that these things happen, but the fact that she talked to me before acting says to me that things could have gotten a whole lot worse than they are.

For me, it's the possibility that this could happen again, and how do you become better prepared for the next time. The other option would be to leave her, and it's not what I want at all.

gotta go, son just woke up, more later

[jns]

In a way, it is interesting that your wife would be able to find time for a fling on the side, but the two of you cannot work out some time so you two can have sex often enough to keep her satisfied. It seems to be an argument for variety over quantity. Anyway, I'm glad that the situation with the co-worker has resolved to some degree. It takes the pressure off for now and lets you and your wife rationally determine a course forward. The fact that the two of you can talk about these things like adults is admirable. Don't start stacking up ammunition against each other or else in a short time you will both have enough ammunition to destroy each other and your marriage. The repercussions for your son would last a lifetime. Deal with each situation as it comes, then let it go.

[OneConfusedGuy]

jns: "In a way, it is interesting that your wife would be able to find time for a fling on the side, but the two of you cannot work out some time so you two can have sex often enough to keep her satisfied. It seems to be an argument for variety over quantity."

- I know, I struggle with it everyday. There is never any time for sex in our day; and that fact has crippled me; I tell her all the time "If we could only find a night to ourselves", because I really need it, and I tell her that too(not all the time, but often enough), but all we can find are moments to ourselves, it's only when our son is pre-occupied with an activity we've be doing together(playing monster trucks, digging in his dirt table with construction equipment(we have a table full of dirt in our main living/general hanging out room)), building something new, and he's good to continue on his own for a short time, but it never lasts long enough for anything more than a conversation of course, and we just get caught up on each other's day before lil' man wants to do something else and my wife needs to get back to work(since one of her jobs is a work from home job). She sleeps at night, she needs a lot of sleep, we're both physically active(she goes to the gym, I bike), I always stay up and work on various things or go for a long bike ride(I have a very active mind and I only need 5-6 hours of sleep a night), but I still think the problem lies in the fact that she does not find me attractive at all anymore, but she doesn't want to break up our marriage.

little: "I can't say I am totally comfortable with your choice re:allowing the open relationship to happen but really just being sexless yourself. You'd essentially be roommates raising a child. You're also continuing to martyr yourself for your wife's happiness."

- There is nothing comfortable about it for me, my head aches, the pit of my stomach drops out over and over again when I think about it, and "sexlessness" totally sucks. She's comfortable with the rommate aspect I think, it's all we got right now, aside from our 13 year history together. You may have something on the martyr thing, however, I haven't thought about that aspect of what's going on; I'm just trying to find an answer as to where we go from here, we talked last night, but didn't talk tonight; she's been constantly tired for the past week, the situation has exhausted her and she sleeps while I stay up and think about all this $#!t. She knows how I feel, as we've been breaking things down and trying to understand how the other one is feeling, but really understanding how one feels is such a difficult thing when you're wrestling with your emotions and how this new reality meshes with the old reality. I think I thought there was something there between us that maybe she never felt. Or maybe it's just that our hearts for each othe would inevitably change over time, after sharing everything we have. I don't know how to think of her anymore, well, maybe "not anymore" isn't the right phrase, but right now I don't know how to think of her.

I hope these steady streams of conciousness make sense, and thanks again for the continued comments.

~ocg