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I love you but Im not in love with you!

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  • I love you but Im not in love with you!

    Hello everyone,

    I'm new to this forum (any forum actually) and am looking for some suggestions and be able to get a few things off my chest.

    I have been doing alot of soul searching of late and I dont think Im in love with my husband anymore! I love him (I care for his wellbeing etc) but I dont have a spark and dont want him to touch me. We haven't had sex for 7 months.

    I have tried talking but it ends in an agruement with him driving off somewhere for hours, he is back when I wake up in the morning.
    We've been toegther 12yrs (married for 3) and seem to be living seperate lives under the same roof.

    Im not sure how to approach this. We have kids and the arguements are now happening when they are around, I ignor it and try to do something with the kids, hopefully bringing their presence to his attention but its doesnt matter, he just keeps carrying on.

    Thoughts ?

  • Therapy? That or you could sit him down and tell him you want to figure out what is wrong in your relationship. It works with me and my husband.


    • Communicating without fighting would be the main thing. You could try writing all your feelings out and decide what points need to be talked out. Give it a lot of thought and concentrate on keeping the talks calm. Let him know that you need to talk, but the arguing and fighting needs to stop. If it gets too heated, take a step back and try to calm things down again. If you can't talk without fighting, counseling may work better.

      Fighting in front of the kids should be off limits. It's way too stressful for them, and they can feel what's going on even without hearing it.


      • It is sooo hard when you aren't in love anymore with your partner/husband. I only two weeks ago was asked what my problem was with not being intimate with my partner and after much soul searching realised i musn't be in love with him anymore. of course this didn't go down too well and was accused of being with other men etc. Its so hard when there are kids in the house or in earshot. likewise this would happen and i would just leave saving the kids from hearing our adult stuff. Sometimes too i must say that one can't put the brakes on an arguement when emotions are so high and run away from the childrens ears.
        maybe a break to clear your head to work out whats important and whats not?. Maybe this is just a natural feeling when married for so long? don't people learn to live that way ? ( not something i could do i must say)
        Counselling could help only if he is a willing party too.. other than that there is not many other sollutions i can think of. One can't help how one feels and if it has run its course then it has. But if u decide to leave make sure you try everything first to get that spark back.. Ask yourself what has changed for you not to feel this anymore.? Is he abusive in any way? how someone treats you of course can change how you feel for them. Are you bored? do you need a holiday ? A break? Do you have times on your own to re connect with each other or is just the every day mundane routine of family life? Do u still have things in common? Has he changed physically and you dont feel attracted to him that way anymore??
        I am all for marriage and beleive in the vows so would prompt anyone to do their upmost to work it through. tell him to shut up and listen if he wants any chance of this marriage working out!!! lol.
        write a list of good things about your marriage and the bad things..see if you can change anything on the bad side. ..!!! get someone to watch the kids while u have your talk. you will be ok..whats for you wont pass you !! be true to yourself and the rest will follow!!


        • Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond,

          It is hard. He just doesn't get it, Im not a fighter but I am defensive and won't take any belittling and/or verbal abuse. I don't want my girls to feel that it is ok to be treated in such a matter which is why I try so hard not to let it happen around them. I don't think he realises that the kids feel it too. He usually wont do anything for them (they're 9 & 6).

          Why do men (not all but alot) assume that it's the mother's role to be THE parent?

          I too have been accused of sleeping around. Because I'm not wanting to be intimate with him obviously it means Im getting it from somewhere else! Duh, men really do think with the brain down stairs!

          I can't leave him, I have no family where I am and I cant afford to get another place on my wage. He earns double what I earn.

          magsnannie69, do you know how property splits work? We have 2 houses, 1 we live in and another investment interstate.


          • as simple as this: love the person who loves you...and try to appreciate that love he offers you. make the effort to make love with him...and you can get that spark back.


            • Well a few developemnts since my last post.

              Over the last few weeks he has started several screaming matches in front of the kids again and each time he drives off in a huff not to be seen or heard of for up to 6 hours(when I walk away or try to hush him cause the kids in the middle of it). After one incudent he was so angry with me cause I went to a friends with the kids instead of staying and arguing with him that he rang up the bank and cancelled my credit card! Im going in for Gastroentestinal procedures in 2 days and now I dont have a c/card to pay for it.

              I suggested counselling as he can't seem to talk rassionally with me and he told me to "bugger off, I'm not talking to some shrink".

              I'm concerned that he has done this just to get at me. If he was angry enough to cancel my c/card after one arguement what else could he cancel/disrupt to make life hard for me?


              • mum, how were things when you were together, but not married, both before and after having children? It almost seems that getting married was the beginning of the end. Did he change after marriage? Did you? He may see this as a betrayal of wedding vows, whether someone else is involved or not.

                Actually, getting it from somewhere else is a common reason for loss of intimacy. He has not came to terms that you are in an asexual phase.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                • For me, I think, both of you are getting busy not as couple but as an individual. Maybe both of you should take time to think for the good memories from your past. You can do this together.


                  • I had the same questions as JNS.

                    Where do you live? What State, Country?

                    He is wrong to talk down and be abusive in front of the kids... And, from what you say, he doesn't really care for them anyway, let alone respect you... They are 6 and 9 and have only ever had one parent figure?

                    Has he always been a tad "cold" and heartless? Non emotional?

                    Aniahunks, I'm curious about your signature - off topic.... maybe you can send me a Visitors Message...

                    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                    • Before children we were very busy, always with friends and we lived with his brother so never really had a lot of alone time. To which we were both happy with at the time.

                      Once the kids came along he continued in the same lifestyle, not home a great deal and when he was home he had mates around in the the shed. I was kind of happy with the later in that at least the kids could see him and see what he was doing. He has never been overly effectionate with the kids, he loves them but doesn't instigate a cuddle or a kiss goodnight. They have to make the effort.

                      Over the last couple of years he has increasing became more controlling. Telling me (not discussing) when he was going out of town (often travelling interstate for his hobby for a week every 3). I would never say no to this as it was his 1 major interest, the kids and I just went along with our own things (school, work and the occasional camping trip). He told me to stop my weekly sport and did not want to be around my friends. Our only family outings became visiting his friends or my in laws. This was around the time we got married but I think it was more a coincidence in timing. Maybe he is reacting like this because I want to live life, have experiences and teach my children about what life can offer other than TV, Wii hand held games. He has always been welcome but doesnt want to partake.
                      I had my proceedure a couple of days ago and after picking me up from theater he left me home alone for 4 hours........ first time I had ever been knocked out. I suppose I should be grateful he picked me up

                      Im startig to think we have grown apart and Im going to have to work at this. I hope he wants to too.
                      I live in Australia.


                      • Was the marriage an attempt to bring the relationship to a more intimate state? It sounds like he knew things were getting less intimate even then. At the same time he doesn't want too much intimacy. He is probably becoming more controlling in an attempt to bring the relationship back together. He probably wants the intimacy even though he doesn't show love and emotion. This is similar to how he is with the children. Maybe it came from his upbringing. His excesses seem to be escapism. Best luck on getting things back together. Are you seeing a counselor?
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


                        • jns,

                          Getting married was something we both wanted. In hyensight there were signs but they were overlooked.
                          I have seen a counsellor on a few occasions in an attemp to try and 'unfog' how I was feeling, but that was last year. I am booked in to see one on Friday. I have suggested that we both see one individually but he has yet to make the arrangments, and then go to group sessions together. This way he can offload without me being around and then come together.
                          I am walking on egg shells a little bit, I dont want to make the appointment for him. If he wants to make this work he has to make some kind of an effort to show me so. Also, me making the appointment might make him feel less in control which wont help us any.
                          Your right I do believe he knows we are growing apart physically and emotionally but he doesn't know how or what to do about it and I cant fix it on my own.

                          It's like the children are the only thing that connects us now.


                          • I attended my first counselling session and had mixed feelings afterwards.

                            The counsellor told me I was causiing alot of the problems because I "pause" the arguements. She doesn't seem to think that yelling abuse at each other in front of the children is a problem.......? I understand that children do need to be exposed to some level of dispute resolution but full blown screaming?

                            I told him I went (didnt run through what was said of course) and he didnt even comment and didnt even raise an eyebrow.

                            How can I make him want to go?


                            • That's the whole problem with free will. Lol. You can't make anyone do, or want to do, anything. That's why we fight and argue. It can be so frustrating to have someone not understand the damage they're doing to us. Or worse, understand but do it anyways. That's why communication is important. It's the only way to relay your hurt and frustration and what caused it. I hope things get easier for you. It sounds like you're doing what you can to make progress. That's all you can do is work on your end. If nothing changes, all that's left is to make your own changes.



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