[mumwithdaughters]

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum (any forum actually) and am looking for some suggestions and be able to get a few things off my chest.

I have been doing alot of soul searching of late and I dont think Im in love with my husband anymore! I love him (I care for his wellbeing etc) but I dont have a spark and dont want him to touch me. We haven't had sex for 7 months.

I have tried talking but it ends in an agruement with him driving off somewhere for hours, he is back when I wake up in the morning.
We've been toegther 12yrs (married for 3) and seem to be living seperate lives under the same roof.

Im not sure how to approach this. We have kids and the arguements are now happening when they are around, I ignor it and try to do something with the kids, hopefully bringing their presence to his attention but its doesnt matter, he just keeps carrying on.

Thoughts ?

[DSemcho]

Therapy? That or you could sit him down and tell him you want to figure out what is wrong in your relationship. It works with me and my husband.

[Crystalblue]

Communicating without fighting would be the main thing. You could try writing all your feelings out and decide what points need to be talked out. Give it a lot of thought and concentrate on keeping the talks calm. Let him know that you need to talk, but the arguing and fighting needs to stop. If it gets too heated, take a step back and try to calm things down again. If you can't talk without fighting, counseling may work better.

Fighting in front of the kids should be off limits. It's way too stressful for them, and they can feel what's going on even without hearing it.

[magsnannie69]

It is sooo hard when you aren't in love anymore with your partner/husband. I only two weeks ago was asked what my problem was with not being intimate with my partner and after much soul searching realised i musn't be in love with him anymore. of course this didn't go down too well and was accused of being with other men etc. Its so hard when there are kids in the house or in earshot. likewise this would happen and i would just leave saving the kids from hearing our adult stuff. Sometimes too i must say that one can't put the brakes on an arguement when emotions are so high and run away from the childrens ears.
maybe a break to clear your head to work out whats important and whats not?. Maybe this is just a natural feeling when married for so long? don't people learn to live that way ? ( not something i could do i must say)
Counselling could help only if he is a willing party too.. other than that there is not many other sollutions i can think of. One can't help how one feels and if it has run its course then it has. But if u decide to leave make sure you try everything first to get that spark back.. Ask yourself what has changed for you not to feel this anymore.? Is he abusive in any way? how someone treats you of course can change how you feel for them. Are you bored? do you need a holiday ? A break? Do you have times on your own to re connect with each other or is just the every day mundane routine of family life? Do u still have things in common? Has he changed physically and you dont feel attracted to him that way anymore??
I am all for marriage and beleive in the vows so would prompt anyone to do their upmost to work it through. tell him to shut up and listen if he wants any chance of this marriage working out!!! lol.
write a list of good things about your marriage and the bad things..see if you can change anything on the bad side. ..!!! get someone to watch the kids while u have your talk. you will be ok..whats for you wont pass you !! be true to yourself and the rest will follow!!

[mumwithdaughters]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond,

It is hard. He just doesn't get it, Im not a fighter but I am defensive and won't take any belittling and/or verbal abuse. I don't want my girls to feel that it is ok to be treated in such a matter which is why I try so hard not to let it happen around them. I don't think he realises that the kids feel it too. He usually wont do anything for them (they're 9 & 6).

Why do men (not all but alot) assume that it's the mother's role to be THE parent?

I too have been accused of sleeping around. Because I'm not wanting to be intimate with him obviously it means Im getting it from somewhere else! Duh, men really do think with the brain down stairs!

I can't leave him, I have no family where I am and I cant afford to get another place on my wage. He earns double what I earn.

magsnannie69, do you know how property splits work? We have 2 houses, 1 we live in and another investment interstate.

[Found999]

as simple as this: love the person who loves you...and try to appreciate that love he offers you. make the effort to make love with him...and you can get that spark back.

[mumwithdaughters]

Well a few developemnts since my last post.

Over the last few weeks he has started several screaming matches in front of the kids again and each time he drives off in a huff not to be seen or heard of for up to 6 hours(when I walk away or try to hush him cause the kids in the middle of it). After one incudent he was so angry with me cause I went to a friends with the kids instead of staying and arguing with him that he rang up the bank and cancelled my credit card! Im going in for Gastroentestinal procedures in 2 days and now I dont have a c/card to pay for it.

I suggested counselling as he can't seem to talk rassionally with me and he told me to "bugger off, I'm not talking to some shrink".

I'm concerned that he has done this just to get at me. If he was angry enough to cancel my c/card after one arguement what else could he cancel/disrupt to make life hard for me?

[jns]

mum, how were things when you were together, but not married, both before and after having children? It almost seems that getting married was the beginning of the end. Did he change after marriage? Did you? He may see this as a betrayal of wedding vows, whether someone else is involved or not.

Actually, getting it from somewhere else is a common reason for loss of intimacy. He has not came to terms that you are in an asexual phase.

[aniahunks]

For me, I think, both of you are getting busy not as couple but as an individual. Maybe both of you should take time to think for the good memories from your past. You can do this together.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I had the same questions as JNS.

Where do you live? What State, Country?

He is wrong to talk down and be abusive in front of the kids... And, from what you say, he doesn't really care for them anyway, let alone respect you... They are 6 and 9 and have only ever had one parent figure?

Has he always been a tad "cold" and heartless? Non emotional?

Aniahunks, I'm curious about your signature - off topic.... maybe you can send me a Visitors Message...

CW