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I don't know what to do---Husband cheated ...now she is pregnant

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  • I don't know what to do---Husband cheated ...now she is pregnant


    I feel so lost and broken. Betrayed. Humiliated. Disrepected.

    I feel as something has died and don't know what to do.

    My husband and I are high school sweethearts; 17 years together, married for 8 of them. Recently, not even a month ago...he told me he wanted a separation. He has been unhappy for years with me.
    That he didn't feel "passionate" about me anymore. It was the worst news ever that day; October 1.

    He said he wanted space to figure his emotions out, still wanted to be with me, he loves me and all that jazz. He said he figured it out when he started to have feelings for someone else and he said that there was something wrong; that he should be having those feelings for another girl. (She is 24, btw).

    I moved out on October 4th. It's not even been a month yet. During this time, we mainly talked on texts. He didn't want to run into me. He didn't want to "face" me. He still told me he loved me. He continued to talk to her.

    This past Sunday he picked me up from the airport from visitng my family. He told me he needed to tell me something. He slept with her. He said it was only one time and they used a condom. I was devastated, angry, mad, just a range of feelings. I kinda expected it maybe in hindsight.

    He said he doesn't want her. He told me all he wanted was me and him to be happy together. He has been not using this time in our separation wisely - drinking and just being an idiot. I told him not stop being an idiot and figure his stuff out. Really deal with his feelings and see his counselor. (He is an avoider.) He said, he knew.

    Yesterday, he tells me that he told her he stopped talking to her and now she is pregnant. Today, it was confirmed. 2 weeks. Never the mind, that we have not been successful in concieving due to my infertilty issues. I feel like I am dying inside. I don't know what to do. I get to see a counselor soon.

    Do people really over come these issues? I know we would need a load of therapy together. I don't know if I can ever trust him again. I know "time" is the answer. But, right now...I want to crawl into a hole. A baby is now involved. A baby I could never give him. He is angry about the situation and apologizes...but right now it doesn't mean anything to me. It's just words.

    He still doesn't want to be with her. She doesn't want to talk to him; said she will send him updates. I know alot can happen between now and then...it's early on in her pregnancy. I can't blame the child. I know in my heart that I love him and I want him; as stupid as it sounds, but I deserve so much better. He knows that. He knows it would take a lot of hard work to even consider a reconciliation.

    I just need some advice from women out there who have had to endure a similar situation. I know it's too early to make any decisions...

    Did I mention she is 9 years younger, a recovering addict, released from prison this past summer, living in a half-way house? What if she were to relapse? Now ---weird and maybe stupidly ---I worry about that baby...
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 11-02-2011, 12:49 AM. Reason: paragraphing for readers

  • Two very recent threads on this:
    I believe the posters of these threads may still be around, but it is somewhere to start.

    There is an extra hurt in this, considering that you have had trouble conceiving in the past. And you DO deserve better. I don't have the time to write more at the moment, but I wanted to link these threads for you quickly
    <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>


    • Does your husband know for sure it is his baby? They used a condom and if she is as unstable as she seems, could she have been sleeping around with more than just him?

      Obviously, that doesn't take away the fact that he did cheat. He cheated for a reason. Nobody can tell you whether or not to leave or forgive. Most of us have never been in this situation. We could tell you what we think we would do but I think when it comes down to it, it would be a difficult decision. Like Little said, the women from the posts she mentioned, I believe, are still around.

      Again, I have to wonder about her instability... Is there a possibility of her giving this child up for adoption? Also, I'm going to throw this out there... But... Is there a possibility of you and your husband adopting this baby? Taking full custody of him/her? Granted there are issues that you and your husband have to work through, counseling etc., that I feel need to happen before anything. However, you are obviously a very caring person. You said in your last sentence that you are worried about this baby. If she is an unfit mother and you and your husband work things out, do you have it in you to be a mom to this baby? To be honest, I'm not sure I would be able to do something like that, it would take a very strong woman to do that. You are obviously hurt and struggle with the problems of your infertility, hurting now even more because he may have gotten some other woman pregnant.

      However, like I said, first things first. Paternity test and working on your issues in your marriage, that is, if you feel you can work on these issues.


      • You actually have most of the rights in your situation. He cheated and he must take all the consequences because of that.


        • There is no excuse for cheating, there often is an underligning reason and often there truly is still alot of love, just got lost, a friendship took it's place, the relationship went complacent and like all mistakes no matter how small or large, after them, reflecting you learn by them.

          I can see a few hurdles, he doesn't want to do councelling, he is a "man" and that he lied and told you he used a condom, I imagine in my mind that he knew she was pregnant at that time, or she told him so and he wasn't sure, and knew he had to tell you... Therefore, that could be two lies.

          Sometimes the worst things in life turn out to be a blessing... I am hoping that, that is the case with you.. You have concerns for this baby and therefore feelings.. And, the baby is your husbands "if he gets proof" and I ask that he does, so he has a right to see the baby. If she goes back into her wild ways, you both would have a good chance of winning custody, so don't fear if she does, if you feel you could do that, remember sometimes the worst things can be a blessing.

          She must have done a number ie) been so easy that he decided why not. Given her background, I can almost hear her talk.

          You will forgive, you won't forget but you need to confront him about "lying" he said he wore a condom, he will say it broke and ask why he chose to tell you and then what a suprise a little later, oops she's pregnant, let him know you aren't stupid and this is something you need time to think about, lying and possibly a set up to let you know slowly, of the news he perhaps knew....selfish, also caring.

          Wait to confirm the baby is his, if you can cope and want to work things through and can get past this, see if you can "befriend her to a degree" if you want to be in that babys life and keep an eye on him/her...

          One step at a time.

          Welcome to the Forum, we're here for you, for support all along the way.




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