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i feel horrible about how i reacted, but im still upset!

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  • i feel horrible about how i reacted, but im still upset!

    Hi everyone,
    Last night was horrible, this was the first time since we got together (4 years ago) that my husband has made me feel so horrible. And the worst part I don't really think he did anything wrong but im stil very upset about it.

    My husband is military and I just moved to our duty station, its been a month now. I am 5 months pregnant and left all of my friends and family. Normally this doesn't bother me. But yesterday I was feeling extra lonely bc I'm sick and stuck in bed. My husband had to stay on base last night for work and I'm used to that. We talked for a little bit and he seemed to want to get off the phone, he said he wanted to take a shower and go to bed. He had to wake up at one AM which I of course understand. Its around 7:30 PM.

    I start watching a movie and texting my girl friend and around 9 she asks why am I texting and Facebook messaging her.. well its my husband! Who should be sleeping at the base is up playing on my Facebook! I call him and he doesn't answer and then calls me a few mins later. At this point I'm very upset bc I couldn't believe that if he was awake and on his phone why wouldn't he want to talk to me?? Instead he's talking to my girlfriend!

    I feel so hurt, I tell him I thought he was sleeping I guess not.... And that I didn't want to talk to him. I actually Hung up I didn't want to say anything I would regret. Well he called again I didn't answer and again and I did. He said he thought I'd be sleeping since I'm sick. And he couldn't sleep.

    This is where I think I went to far... I started crying hystericlly and said that I'm alone all day I miss my friends and family, I'm tired of being alone and pregnant and all I want is a simple phone call on duty days and he doesn't care enough about me to do that. That I'm just a needy burden to him I should just go home to my parents.

    Its not the first time I felt like he didn't want to talk on his base nights, I just figured he needs time for himself. I'm fine with that. But last night I really did need him, I was having a bad night and needed to talk. And he would rather talk to my friend!

    We talked a bit bc he felt so bad and I felt so bad but I told him I was over it and not upset a.d he felt better and I got off the phone. Why am I still so hurt? I would love to say this is a pregnancy mood swing but I can't I don't want to say I'm wring. But I feel wrong.

    Could anyone please give me some thoughts, someone on the outside looking in. Tell me I'm crazy pregnant and dramatic, I don't care I just need to know. I can't talk to my.girl friend about it obviously, and my family would be upset that I am upset with him. When I should be supportive! I feel so locked up!

    I'm sorry this was a long rant

  • I think what you feel is completely normal. It just sounds like you felt you were lied to and a little betrayed. And I can understand you being insecure, because he was obviously going behind your back on your facebook and chatting with a friend, when he could have easily been texting and chatting with you. Does this friend of yours and him talk a lot? Are they close friends? Maybe they just got to talking because she thought it was you and he just innocently responded. Has he ever done anything in the past to make you doubt his commitments? If not, I wouldn't read too far into it. I am sure emotions were running high because you did need him and it's a hard thing to go through alone. If you explained how it made you feel and he understands why there shouldn't be any more said. If you don't feel you completely explained how it made you feel, it's probably to best to get it out now and talk to him about it before it eats and you and turns into a fight. If at all possible, talk to him about it in person. Hope this helps a little.


    • I do feel like I was lied too, I don't understand why he couldn't have sent me a text? Why did he talk on Facebook?.. he doesn't like facebook that's why he doesn't have one.
      She is a very good friend of ours. He didn't say anything that would make me worry about his commitment. It just upset me that he was talking to her, anyone actually and not me. I really wanted to talk to him I felt so sad. There was no reason for it. I needed him and he chose to leave me alone.

      I did tell him how I felt, and I believe I got it all out. He said he had no idea I felt that way. And I know he is sorry. I feel a bit better now, my mom called and talked to me about it and says she would have been absolutely ****ed. And that its not a pregnancy thing he made a bad choice.
      It feels better having someone on the outside. Thank you for your response. I think I will see how it goes tonight and let it be done with I don't want to be upset. But it better not happen again I don't deserve to be alone and ignored.


      • It just sounds like he honestly didn't know it would effect you that much. Sometimes guys don't clue in to our feelings as well as women do. We gotta cut them a little slack occasionally. I am glad you're feeling better. Hopefully he knows better next time- if there is one hehe


        • It may be exacerbated by pregnancy hormones, but I would be upset in the same situation.

          One of the roughest parts of pregnancy is wondering if your feelings are legitimate. Your husband should be HELPING you in this, not making it worse! Tell him to get right!
          <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>


          • Pregnancy must be playing a small part... I've been crying all day!!


            • I'd be upset too, and I don't even have any pregnancy hormones racing lol. But.. like someone else said... sometimes guys (sorry guys, i don't mean all guys... just some guys) really just don't get it til you spell it out. Hinting, getting upset but not really fully revealing why... can fly right over there heads. I would know that would upset someone, or be inconsiderate... most women would lol (again sorry guys) but sometimes men, okay sometimes some people... they don't stop to think how their actions would affect the person they love. THEY know they are not doing wrong, they know they are on the up and up so they don't stop to think how it may look to someone else or how it would make them feel.

              So in this, I would tell him, honey if you wake and want to talk, please try me first... I may very well be sitting here lonely. Tell him that it hurts when you miss him and it feels like he's avoiding you. Letting him know how much speaking to him means to you and that you understand when hes tired or needs time to himself... but when he's feeling chatty in the middle of the night, you want to be the first person he reaches out to.

              Make it so it can not be misunderstood but Do not make it an argument...
              Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.


              • I guess I didn't think my husband had it in him to be hurtful. But as you said hopeless dork he just didn't see what he was doing. Well I made it very, very clear yesterday that he hurt me. We didn't fight, but we talked about it. By the end of the night things were back to normal, with the added bonus of him tucking his tail between his legs lol.
                Thank you ladies your comments really helped me level out.


                • Women are emotional creatures sometimes. She felt betrayed that he'd rather speak with her friend than his own pregnant wife who's alone and lonely. It's actually quite obvious- maybe to me because I am a girl. We sometime take things personally, even when it seems ridiculous.


                  • Originally posted by Claws
                    I dont get how that hurt you? Im a guy btw
                    He went on facebook to chat? why are you hurt?
                    He "dismissed" talking to her because he said he was going to take a shower and go to bed. Rather than doing so (he may have taken the shower) he ended up chatting with someone else. If he had time to chat with another why didn't he have time to chat with his own wife that needed him emotionally?

                    I can see where this would hurt/bother Darling - especially since she's extra emotional due to the pregnancy. Heck I've gotten upset (and I'm not pregnant) with my husband before when he has claimed to be soooo busy at work he didn't have time to say hello to me but yet later will say he talked with this person, that person and been on his Facebook account. It has a way of making you feel your not that important.
                    There is a method to my madness ........ I just haven't found it yet.


                    • Fallen, I've done the same thing! lol My fiance told me he was sooo busy at work that he couldn't talk, yet I see him posting things on facebook. Then I think "Why would he lie to me"...but why did I let this bother me? Because I felt lied to, but I shouldn't get upset because I know he loves me and we'll talk later anyway. Just weird things that upset women somtimes, lol.


                      • Excuse her for being the mother of his unborn child who misses him and wants to communicate with him while he's away from her. Different people have different levels of necessity when it comes to their partners' presence. Claws, I assume you need less one-on-one time with your partner and prefer to diversify your social attentions. That's fine for you, and something I assume you would communicate with potential partners, in one way or another, before getting far enough into a relationship to marry or procreate. And I must assume the OP did the same - communicate what she would expect and need in a committed relationship.
                        Though it is a small betrayal and possibly an honest mistake, it can still hurt. Not to mention, it's weird. "I don't have my own facebook, so I think I'll log onto my wife's and talk to her biffle!" Uh, what?
                        Let me rephrase my previous post: I would not just be hurt, I'd be breaking expensive things (you know, if I was pregnant again in this situation :P)
                        <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>


                        • Personally?

                          I would be livid.

                          I would think rationally, had enough of hearing me feeling down and out, tired and sick, he has to get up early, probably I'm whining a little too much but hey I am pregnant and you are meant to help support me, your not here much and I left all my family and friends, but yeah ok, women have better understanding sometimes and your not here to hug me, I'll call my Mother and talk to her, or my girlfriend...

                          So I call my girlfriend and she's like what are you texting for, come to facebook..I do and she's talking to my husband...

                          Okay, so he couldn't sleep ...TALK to a male Not my girlfriend, a female, whilst I am pregnant just because you can't sleep, or pick the phone back up, text me, "are you asleep sweet?, "

                          I get that he wanted "fun" conversations, but it's still not right to not talk to your wife, and to talk alternatively to another female.....

                          I also know men don't think.
                          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                          • They aren't with each other physically, so I think she needed him mentally and emotionally and he wasn't there for her, but rather talking to her friend instead. No, you don't have to spend every moment together...and they don't because he was on duty! You NEED to have good phone communication otherwise there is NO communication. That's probably why it was such a touchy subject to her. And i can't blame her.


                            • Thank you ladies for putting into words how I feel!
                              As an update, we talked about everything, and he knows now to send me a text... He cooked me my mega preggo craving, hamburgers with all the fixing and with gf buns and he took me to see twilight. Lol
                              Today is another duty day and I have had ample texts and a phone call
                              Hope this good behavior continues



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