[ashy09]

Hey guys,

I am currently in a long distance relationship while I am at university (an 8 hour train journey away from home where my fiance lives). This is my third year away and you'd think I would be used to long distance. But if anything its made me realize how fragile your relationship gets. things can change so much within a few weeks when one of the partners gets used to the world without you.

He currently works Mon to Fri and as a result he is always tired as he works long days. So I don't get much attention as he gets in, has tea then, goes to sleep. He went out to a friend's birthday /house party last Saturday, which was good - he's having a good time. But as soon as the photos went up on Facebook, there was a photo of him and a guy with the rubber of balloons that had been popped stretching them out so they twang as some girls ****. Which is all innocent flirting, but it does hurt to see your guy eyeing someone else up so obviously. I don't know about you but the way I see flirting, I can see it in two ways. The first way is done in a "cool light - hearted way" where there is not much thought in the action. Then the second way is is when you are almost trying too hard. Like you are acting upon a very strong thought you have on a person, which is fine if you'er single, but if you are giving your time to someone else other than your partner surely that's starting to cross the line.

Anyways, when I saw the photo I didn't read into it that much. I just thought, "oh how typical of him to "forget" that he is seeing someone". Untill he rang me Friday night after. We had a long awaited chat that we needed talking about life and how things are going at the moment and our plans for the near future, etc. Then, out of the blue he laughs and says oh sorry I am just looking at the photos from the party last week and there's one of me stretching a rubber balloon and Sarah's bum... yada, yada, yada.

And its just like okayyy... I am glad he can talk to me about these things, but it's like oh thanks for "having me on your mind in the first place". There has been a few times where he has flirted with other girls in a 'wow i really fancy these' way, which, at the end of the day makes our relationship look stupid and if anything it makes me feel so embarrassed that I am in a relationship with a guy who makes it obvious that he has the hots for another girl completely mind blocking the fact that he has a partner.

I will admit that I am a jealous person as the girls he has all flirted with have the womanly attractiveness that I don't have. So I know it's an insecurity I have to tackle on my own. But this does not help in the slightest. Its at the point that I am stressing and hurting so much as the same time that I am having to take deep breaths to calm myself down. My chest feels tight and the thoughts of the other past times makes me convinced that a leopard never changes his spots, and his star sign, Pisces, puts a stamp on the fact that a fish has a 3 second memory.

Any help would be muchly appreciated.

[Ashlee T.]

What jumps out at me most is the fact that this man is your fiance, yet you believe it's typical of him to "forget" that he's seeing someone. A man who is your fiance should have you on his mind anytime he's in a mixed company crowd (party, going out, etc) when you're not there. What "other past times" are you referring to? Has he cheated before? There's nothing at all wrong with him going out and enjoying himself. Nothing. But what are you not getting in this relationship that you need in order to feel secure about his feelings for you? I'm not talking about security of your appearance (we all struggle with that at times). But what is it that you need, that you're not getting?

[ashy09]

I think at the end of the day, what I am not getting is communication. Long distance is hard, but texting and phone calls would just stop me worrying. The other past times he hasnt cheated as such but he has been in the 'grey area' and while he was there 'forgotten' that I should be his number one thought. He has not kissed or had sex with anyone but he has flirted with a girl that was in his class at college saying 'i am surprised you didnt see me checking you out all the time'... then the next time he was playing kinky pool a year later with his group of friends... the girls and guys would find ways of putting each other off by doing things such as nibbling each others ears, stroking their backs, playfully rubbing their shoulders. etc. So even though its not kissing and such it is a bit inconsiderate! If I did what he did, he would be all ****y with me. I wrote a long passage about my past in another post called 'my husband almost cheated'... so if you want a better understanding you can read that.

Yeah well me and my partner get on really well. its just the long distance relationship thing is hard. as when one gets comfortable with life when the other is not around. then it makes the other person question is my involvement in their life valid anymore? Otherwise my conclusion is that long distance never gets easier. It always needs hard work, every time, with two people pulling both their weight. Thanks to your comment you've helped me realise what the problem is. Hopefully I will get to speak to him tomorrow and explain to him that I feel we need to have more communication. Which is good point. and oddly enough, as i was trying to help the other persons post, I finalized it off saying that talking is the key to when you have a problem. Its funny how you can help others but when you have a problem you can't help yourself the same. So thank you for pointing what I couldn't see out.

[caterpillar79]

Long distance relationships require long patience and understanding, but it takes two to tango as the cliche says.

What you need to understand is that how your fiance is acting right now before you guys get married is how he will be acting after marriage. Can you see yourself worrying about his flirtatious nature when he or you are out-of-town for days or weeks on a training or business trip? How does he treat you when you go out together - do you see him obviously checking out other girls even when you're around? I ask you this because I experienced that with my husband. I didn't notice it when he and I were just dating. When we got married, he and I live 4.5 hours away from each other and it stayed that way for 6 months. When I finally finished my contract, I moved in and noticed him checking out other girls more. I called him out and drew the line. I told him to NEVER ever do that to me as it is very disrespectful. That was the time I re-empahasized my boundaries to him. It took him a while to get it, but he's better at self-control now, but when asked, he'll admit to you that he is still working at it.

Bottom line is, talk to him about it and share how you feel. Draw the line and tell him your negotiables and non-negotiables. Do it now while it's not too late. You said you are good together, then capitalize on that and emphasize to him that you are "together" and are just living apart because of circumstances, but you expect him to ..... (fill this in).

[ashy09]

Thanks for your advice caterpillar79!

Yeah its a learning curve! When we are out together he does treat me like his one and only and its nice because he does it almost discretely. He just comes up behind me rubbing my shoulders and just in essence his close presence speaks a thousand words. So he is good with that but there has been one or two times where he has aloud a lass to flirt with him and he wouldnt say anything about it. Whereas if it was the other way round with me in his shoes i would tell the guy instantly to back off. I dont know if it could be different with a guy and a girl. If a girl comes up to a guy its a compliment, but if a guy comes up to a girl it could be taken as an offense (sort of speak, as usually the only thing on a guys mind is sex, where as a girl would just like a bit of fun flirting).

Im not sure its kind of hard to think whats what really because i feel the lack of experience of being in a relationship makes me wonder whats wrong and whats right. As this guy is my first boyfriend, he is a good guy but there are some things where i draw the line if he wants to have my respect. If i had 2 boyfriends before this I would understand the sort of different types of personality that can come with a guy.

I talked to him the other night saying we need to talk more and he was like ok thats fair. I think we follow a scenario differently. Like I take each day meaningfully, whereas he would think of life in terms of weeks? As he works all the week then just wants to chill for the weekend. Till I get back home.

Another problem we do have is kind of understanding each other. In a certain sense.

Like the other night I was upset and I told him how serious it got that I was starting to get into a downward spiral, yada yada yada. To his reply was "dont be stupid" (when I started to tell him that I was having slight thoughts of suicide, luckily I wasnt close to anything like such but I was in the position of hurting so much and in the frame of mind that I was a problem to everyone, no one close to me would want to help as I would just be a problem and I was a problem in general.) To my reply I felt so disrespected like I had the door slammed in my face. My feelings were stupid, I am stupid. I dont have any real problems or issues to deal, what are you talking about? Your just sensitive and because of that you dont really have real problems. Which is fine I don't compared to alot of things in the world but a problem is a problem on the scale of how much it is affecting you! In fact I feel guilty/stupid if I am down because I am known to be sensitive than the norm. So to everyone Im not worth battering an eyelid at. Saying all this really hurts and is bringing up horrible feelings as I say this. But this was one of the scenarios that has happened whenever I talk about my emotions.

If I ever mention that I am down, he will say, oh dont tell me that, oi stop crying!, what are you getting down about that for!?... I can't handle you being upset, it upsets me. COMPLETELY missing the point and making him feeling like the victim. Then I asked him why wont you give me a quick phone call after work asking to see if I am orite? He replied oh because it would last over an hour and you would moan about something. Which one, if he rung me more often I wouldnt have as much to say to him, and I dont mean to moan for the of it to make him feel bad (but "obviously, I get kicks out of this", not.) I just want him to help me through it. I didnt even realise I was moaning! Thats one thing I hate, how easily moaning is categorized to anything! If only he was more honest and open with his feelings like I am, so that I knew about this 'moaning' i was doing that is annoying him, he should have told me there and then to stop or talk about something more cheerful.

Otherwise if he was down! I would be there for him no matter what, I would comfort him let him know that I am by his side, talk it out with him, listen to what he has to say and remind him of how great he is when he would start to get down on himself.

I also wished he picked up on things a little more or realised things a little more. Like hes just had a job for 5 months now and not once has he unexpectedly treated me to something special for the both of us. Like a cheap little weekend away or a day out somewhere special. I wish he trigged on to the things I like abit more. As my presents, have been nice and I appreciate them alot, but hes never seemed to knock onto the hints I've given him about little things i would like for us to do as a couple. Whereas Im quite a thinker and pick up on the little things he wants.

His granddad said within the first year we were dating that he needs a kick up the ****, but i just thought that my partner was miss understood. But Ive now heard my dad say it, and Ive defiantly said it sometimes... Ive said (even to him) that he needs to get a backbone and grow a pair.

So yeah, cannot wait for the xmas holidays were I can go home and have a proper one on one conversation have a few drinks, and night in and just chat about our life now and where its heading. Pick up on things that annoy us both about each other and discuss if they are something that can be changed or dealt with. If not then there wont be an us. I'll try not get onto it too heavy, but I will let him know that 'we need to talk'. So he will know what that means.

Thanks for your advice guys as its helping me to get to grips with the whole situation and how to sort it out, as I wouldn't have understood any other way. Its also nice to hear your opinions on the situation as that is something i bring up to the table when i talk to my partner. What does he think of these point of views?

[caterpillar79]

Oh, the classic! Most men do not want to hear girl issues. Those who have educated themselves mostly wear their "fix it" hats as if something is broken, while the damsel in distress just wants to be heard and she'll feel alright.

How about changing your approach or your "opening sentence". When a woman says "we need to talk", the man usually assumes, he's in trouble or something else negative that he automatically puts his guard up. In the short time I've dated my now husband, he and I learned that I need to tell him first what it is exactly that I need before I share how I feel, such as: Honey, I just want you to listen to what I want to share. You don't have to solve anything. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not about you - it's just how I feel and I just want to vent....When I started doing this, he became more open and receptive. He also learned to do the similar thing with me when he needs to vent.

Who else would you practice effective communication but your prospective spouse or other half, right? Do you think you can try this? Look up the "Relationship Headquarters" by Bob Grant. He provides great examples.

[ashy09]

Oh, the classic! Most men do not want to hear girl issues. Those who have educated themselves mostly wear their "fix it" hats as if something is broken, while the damsel in distress just wants to be heard and she'll feel alright.

How about changing your approach or your "opening sentence". When a woman says "we need to talk", the man usually assumes, he's in trouble or something else negative that he automatically puts his guard up. In the short time I've dated my now husband, he and I learned that I need to tell him first what it is exactly that I need before I share how I feel, such as: Honey, I just want you to listen to what I want to share. You don't have to solve anything. You didn't do anything wrong, it's not about you - it's just how I feel and I just want to vent....When I started doing this, he became more open and receptive. He also learned to do the similar thing with me when he needs to vent.

Who else would you practice effective communication but your prospective spouse or other half, right? Do you think you can try this? Look up the "Relationship Headquarters" by Bob Grant. He provides great examples.

So true! I wish they could see past the whole 'i have to fix it' thought they have in their head all the time! Its obvious if you can fix a problem or not and you would say what you can do and want you cant, but you will do the best and be there for them. But anyways! Absolutely true what you've said. You have to pretty much spoon feed them into what you want them to do, because us women are generally open, but guys they just like to assume. Its very good you have mentioned this because i will practice communicating with my other half like this, as I have never really considered it properly before. I just hoped he would change. I guess we both have to pull our ways through it to get to somewhere decent!


I will definately check the book out. I'll have a look now so I can get a stronger understanding of it all in general before i go back home for xmas.

Many thanks again caterpillar79 !

[Rick_O]

So Whatever happened with you and your boyfriend Ashy09

[caterpillar79]

Ashy, it's not a book it is a dot com and Bob Garnt is an LPC who also authored a lot of books on relationship. He is also called the relationship doctor. I have used all his materials when I was lost (break-ups on and off, dating and then eventually married and still confused). You can also try Why Men Marry Bi(a)tches. I just added the (a) in the spelling so that I can spell it out since the web filter wouldn't let me.

[ashy09]

So Whatever happened with you and your boyfriend Ashy09

We are talking a lot more, thanks. I feel like its a relationship again! Compared to not hearing much from him in the past few weeks.