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WHY get married/be in a relationship? Is in abnormal not to be married/in a relation

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  • WHY get married/be in a relationship? Is in abnormal not to be married/in a relation

    It seems its the norm to be married, especially as you get older. But is it "okay" to live your entire life single? If not Why? Could marriage/committment to someone just not be for some people? I have two kids and 30 yrs old, so I feel more so that I am looked down on or just looked at differently if I am single. But I may just be better off single. Is that really wrong?

    I am in a struggling about to fail AGAIN relationship and if it ends, I should say when it ends, can I be single for life and it be normal and okay? I know a lot of people will say I will find love again, and I know there is some man out there that will love me again.

    This is not about me, I just want some thoughts on why is marriage the normal thing to eventually do in life. I know its my choice to stay single and I can regardless of what people think but WHY are people looked at differently for being single and grown?

  • I'd love to know why people think if you're an adult and not married, you're somehow defective or invalidated. I'm 40 and not yet married, and people think there's something wrong with me. Nevermind that I've never been divorced. Divorce is ok. Spinster is not. Good question torn2pieces.
    No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
    Eleanor Roosevelt

    Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better.
    Albert Einstein


    • I would only assume because that is what is thought of as "normal." It's just something people have come to expect and it's not SUPER common for someone to be single all their life (especially being female). I think other things have to do with people's religious beliefs, financial reasons like health insurances, etc. If a person has never been in your shoes, they won't understand how you feel, and the same goes for you. Everyone leads a different lifestyle. I think it also depends on how you grew up and what was expected of you from your elders and what the "norm" is. I say, whatever makes you happy is what you need to do for YOU.


      • It may have to do with people being conservative. Although we are a lot more of our nation open in accepting alternative living arrangements or lifestyles I know a lot people have expectations. Couples should be church going and college educated before thinking of a relationship, marriage, owning a home and having children. Deviate from this cookie cutter standard, and you are barred as irresponsible or judged for unnecessary things.
        I am impelled, not to squeak like a grateful and apologetic mouse, but to roar like a lion out of pride in my profession.
        John Steinbeck

        I'm a Leo, RAWR! Sun/moon/asc/venus- 1st house.


        • I guess it stems from partnerships for life, as in, that is the norm...

          I think some people "choose" the wrong partner over and over through lonliness and end up, one day just completely giving up as they don't want to continually get their heart broken, yet if they were to look deep enough and know exactly what they were after in a partner, they would wait, regardless of how long that time was, for the "right people" therefore eventual life partner to enter their life.

          We can no change the way people think... Alot see "black and white" and this is in my opinion, what you are experiencing, a black and white view.

          Remember, other people's thoughts are theirs... How you choose to live your life is yours...


          • Torn, even though you stated that your post is less personal and more obtuse, I just want to say that if a relationship ends it shouldn't be seen as a "failure" - to me it sounds like an unfair way to qualify the ending of something that had meaning at one point... If that makes sense-

            To your question: I'm sure that to remain single for life can work for some people - but isn't it in our DNA to want a partner? Not just for the physical element, but for the intellectual aspect as well? Someone to talk to? I suppose a roommate could potentially suffice, but, I'm not sure if there is an answer to your question.

            I'll mull this one over, but you know, reading some threads on this site, some people feel like they're single when they're married - so, maybe there really isn't a "norm"


            • t2p, do what is right for you and ignore what others think.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


              • It's just based on what is the societal norm. Doesn't mean there is any truth to it. It also seems to be the norm to cram your face with fast food, and if you're someone that doesn't do that, people that do look upon you as if you're some sort of health nut weirdo. Or like weddings...it's the societal norm to have a "big day" with all the frills and thousands of dollars etc. If you choose not to have that kind of wedding, people flip out because it's not what is the norm. But does having the big frilly wedding ensure a long happy marriage any more than going to the courthouse does? No. There are many cases in life in which what is the societal norm is not what is best for everyone.

                I wrote a blog once venting about this very issue. Saying that a woman in her late twenties could be a brain surgeon, fly to the moon AND cure cancer and still the first question she'd be asked by others is "Are you married?" "Why aren't you married?". Though it is frustrating, I consider it a product of the often mindless robotic society we live in. I simply refuse to conform what makes me happy because of it.
                "Be what you're looking for."


                • I see your positive outlook on not seeing it as a failure, but it just seems like failure to me. Yes it is in our DNA and I know I do desire a partner, maybe the one I am with is just wrong. I work in the professional field, and I feel like people are normally married. By the time your are 35 (especially if you have kids) and your not married it's looked down upon. I am currently in school for paralegal and as crazy as it sounds I am looking forward to late nights at work, weekends, travel, basically being needed for something I enjoy so much. I currently work at a law firm as as a secretary and when I hear a woman mention she works late hours, or travels often for work, the first thing I do is look at her finger. Because I think she must be single to be able to devote so much time to work, and actually they usually are not. That's another topic, I have and will fight for my rights to be dedicated to my job. Crazy thing is he is a chef and ALWAYS works late unexpectedly, goes in early and so on. But when I do it he trips. Even if he is off work and with the kids or if I have a babysitter, I can't stand it cause I want to work hard and not have to run out the door at 5 o'clock on the dot for the simple fact my man will get mad. Sorry I carried on about another topic.


                  • Sounds like he's a bit controlling. A good loving partner would support their partner in their efforts to be successful in their career. There are always limitations to that, like if you started just working all the time and never being home, then that might cause a problem. But needing to stay a bit late some days or go in early, should be something he supports.

                    Many women who are married have busy time consuming careers. Just like many men do. Some women want to stay home with the kids. Some women want careers outside of the home. One isn't right, one isn't wrong. But there's no reason why, within reason, being married should keep you from pursuing your potential in a career.
                    "Be what you're looking for."


                    • yes he is a bit controlling. He just has a stupid attitude when I get home or asks "What time is it" (letting me know he notices I am leaving early) in the morning. We spoke about it and he says he just misses me, but it's not cool. I think what may of caused some of this is when he first met me I did not have good work ethic I would take long lunches, miss days and so on. I have made a complete turn around, but at the same time since his career is so demanding and not very understanding of having kids, I am always fine with being the one to ask for time off for the kids appointments or other errands we have. My schedule is pretty much set, I work 830-5 M-F, so I am okay with being responsible for dropping off and picking up the kids. We are not married yet and I WILL NOT let marriage get in the way of my career. Getting my degree, becoming a Paralegal and being on a legal team excites me WAY WAY more than a freakin marriage. That's kinda bad, but it's true.


                      • Torn- it started out as a "what do people think" question, but kind of personal at the same time, obviously... I don't know I
                        if you're looking for answers from people or justifications? You're a smart woman. I don't know if any one of us can really answer the question in the way that will make you feel better about it. There's no good answer to it in the "larger" sense because no one can know how one "feels" - but you seem conflicted, which is "normal" - so that's good too??


                        • Hun when you met you were both on a "certain level"...

                          You've changed, you obtained goals, dreams and you intend to persue them and, you intend to make it.... It's become your passion your reason for living and your love.

                          It's hard for a person to be with a work-a-holic Someone with passions outside the house. They feel rejected..Rightly so. And they fear a break-up, a lose of someone they love, rightly so.

                          You have to balance... Unless, you have no feelings whatsoever for him, you have to balance and realise he is in your life, and is important as well, otherwise, you are allowing someone to be in your life, giving them nothing of what they deserve, where otherwise you should be on your own.

                          But, let me warn you as a work-a-holic a woman who has always had goals and dreams and has persued with a vengence/

                          We all need "someone" in our life, to smile, to love, to give love, to be there after a bad day.... Life full of work only is lonley.

                          If you have feelings for him, feel what he is telling you.

                          If you don't, let him go and concentrate on your future, there is nothing wrong with having goals and succeeding.

                          I just want you to be aware that it's not all about passions...You can bring those passions into your romantic life as well and be less stressed and feel loved.

                          What do you want?
                          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                          • I have learnt for me, being in a great relationship is better than being single but being single is significantly better than being in a bad relationship.

                            I think a lot of the pressure to couple up is related to a similar expectation of having children.


                            • I am in my mid-30s (female) and never been married. Never even lived with a guy. I am a single mom. I have a boyfriend now but years without one and it wasn't the worst experience a person can have. I don't think its as much society in general as specific families that put pressure on being married etc.. especially some older tradional people who think there is only one life to strive for: Married, 2.5 Kids, picket fence, dog named spot. Anything short of that makes them nervous for YOU because they think that is all there is to life. Non-traditional people of all ages, and particularly younger generations no longer see it that way. They see happiness and sucess in a woman's education, career, interests and overall doing what she wants to do.

                              Not being married is no longer an indicator that you are some sort of weirdo, most people are very acceptable that not everyone wants that stereotypical 'dream' I listed above. Depending on who a person surrounds themselves with, and listens to... their mileage will vary on that.

                              I think giving up on love and the possibility of making it work out with another human, however is a huge mistake. Deciding to not actively seek a partner is not, however, a bad choice. There is a difference to deciding you don't need someone else to make you happy, yet leaving the door open to possibility than simply stating to refuse to entertain the idea of being with anyone and shunning all contact with the opposite sex. The latter path can lead to bitterness, lonliness and a sense of missing out later when you wake up from the ice storm. The former could lead to independence, finding yourself, raising your expectations and being more 'whole' and ready to accept someone when they can help make you happier and enrich your life.. rather than wreak havoc on it.
                              Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.



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